SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ironcrosses,

I have a son your age and if this was happening to him I would say ...RUN!!

I'm having a real hard time believing anything she has told you. But, maybe that's because I've been lied to for 37yrs. . My fwh cheating on me 5 yrs into the M and now look where I am? 37 yrs of secrets a d lies. I wish someone told me to run

back then.

{{{IC}}}

Real quick, so I don't forget: Inexpensive, plain wedding bands can be purchased for her to wear while working. She can also agree to only service female clients.

Ok. So. Stay or Go. Good news is that you don't have to decide anything right this second. What you DO need, though, is to know that you are dealing with the truth. Her story seems *off* to me, and I'm not so sure that she's been completely honest with you....and I'm not talking about piddly little details such as 3x or 5x.....her behavior just seems too extreme for this to have been either so intense so quickly or her first time. Maybe her story is completely true, but maybe it isn't.

I think that a poly is in order in your situation. Your marriage is too new.....I can assure you that you do not want it to begin on a foundation of lies because that will, almost definitely, lead to a lifetime's worth of cheating behavior on your WW's part.

I know that some posters have thrown out some scenarios that probably seem pretty *out there* to you, but right now you really don't know what you are dealing with. And there is NOTHING worse than believing that you *know* everything and putting a bunch of energy into turning yourself into a pretzel being the BEST SPOUSE EV-AH.....only to find out that there was *more* to the cheating story. A Lot More. Knowing that you were putting *your all* into the marriage while your WS, who really *deserved* to be thrown out on their ass, continued to lie to you is a real kick in the head.

She told me that she never expected that I loved her enough to stay after being put through so much hell and that when she saw how genuinely I really did love her, a switch flipped in her mind that I really DIDN'T consider her beneath me as she had thought for years.

This is dangerous territory for you. Very, very dangerous. It is way too easy to get *drawn in* to this and lose your focus. That quote is technically a form of emotional blackmail with a big dose of manipulation thrown in. Do you see how that statement can very subtly make you feel that you need to *prove* your love to her? That you can be the bigger man because she is so *in awe* that you stuck with her through all of the hell?

My Dday was 6/08 (at that time we had been M almost 16 yrs). Almost immediately, Sultan revealed that he was convinced that I was always going to leave him someday....even though I had NEVER given him any indication of the sort. The problem was, though, that he NEVER progressed from there and he never stopped his self-defeating, prophecy-fulfilling behaviors. So I'm divorcing him. He *got* what he claimed to NOT *want*.

So give your WW a *small* taste of the cookie for sharing her 'fear' with you....but reserve the whole batch until she FIXES that twisty-thinking. Identifying an issue is only a very small cog in the infidelity clean-up process. Fixing the issue is where the rubber meets the road.

Oh, and there will always be family and friends that tell you to ditch the b*tch. However, it's not typical for that opinion to come from almost EVERYONE in your circle. Why is it that the majority of your circle is telling you to move on? What are they *seeing* that you aren't?

You're not:

I desperately need to hear from someone that I'm NOT an emasculated loser holding onto a whore who betrayed him so disgustingly.

I'll write it again. You're not an emasculated loser.

I'm in a similar situation, although better. My wife cheated longer -- nine months -- but no pregnancy.

When I found out about the affair, she begged me to forgive her and said she wasn't finished giving me everything she could give me. I asked her what she meant by that and she said, a child together.

That's the only time I have smiled and felt good over the last two months and nine days.

If the child is yours, I would consider going to MC and making every effort to recover.

It sounds right that your WW had low self esteem. That's not your fault. And you seem to want to stay with her because you love her. I love my wife, too. That's why I'm trying to overcome my pain and anger (and the unfairness of it all) to recover.

Stay strong, you're not a loser. It's so much harder for guys when their wives cheat, but it shouldn't be.

I'm sorry for your pain. It must be terrible.

I just want to add...reading through your thread, I tried to read it from your perspective as a new BS...and I feel for you. I hope you do not feel overwhelmed by everyone's responses. That being said, the one thing I know is that SI members are the most caring, intelligent and informed "strangers" I've ever come to rely on (and adore!) There is no agenda - we have no stake in each other's outcomes. We only want to see each and every BS through to a healthy existence, whether through reconciliation or divorce. Wishing you clarity and healing as you move forward....

Just remember that even if you do R, you will never regain complete trust in your WW. It will come close, but the A will always be in the back of your mind.

You sound like a lovely man if I can say that. Someone all of us BSs would have loved to have had for a husband. I wish you hadn't been sullied by this infidelity thing. I too really feel that you should run for the hills. I think both you and your spouse are reacting with heightened emotions. There is an intense feeling of wanting to hold onto each other when this rocks your lives. Then the real everyday world comes along. So keep that in mind when you judge how she is acting now and what she is saying. And maybe she just likes some drama? Feeds off of it? It might be good for you to look at the 180 and remove yourself somewhat from her to have some control over yourself and the situation. I really agree to get her to take a lie detector to get some definite truths into the situation. Thinking of you and really admiring how you are handling

yourself at such a young age.

Iron-it is your choice, I know it overwhelms you to come here and see people telling you to 'get rid of her' 'ditch her' 'it will only get worse' but it is YOU that has to make the decisions that are best for you. It is YOU that has to live with those decisions. We don't know your wife, we are not the judge on whether or not she is sincere. That is something only YOU can know. So just try to look past some of the negativity and truly figure out in YOUR heart if you can make this work!! I wish you luck!!