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Today I've had to stop myself from confronting the om. The same one Ive been considering confronting but today is more the 'I don't care if I go to jail anymore' type of confrontation. After doing all of that to MY wife knowing she was married, knowing he carried hpv f'd her 4 times 2 no condomn and finished inside once. The other 4 times they met was all oral, which really disgusts me when I think about ww coming home from 'shopping' and giving me a kiss. After doing that , when i tell his spouse, he calls me, calls me a joke and threatens me, why wouldn't I want to break his knees?

I'm not going to do it, i would probably regret it, but I'm so angry. I know WW is the one that hurt and betrayed me, and I am very deeply angry with her, but how can I help stop that need for revenge/retaliation? WW tells me it isn't healthy which is true, but I can't just make it go away. Maybe leaving on the work trip for 2 weeks will calm those thoughts, I dunno.

I feel your pain Lonley!! And I'm so sorry you are going through that!

I am planning a mini vacation for myself, all alone to cool down and try to get the same thoughts out of my head.

I actually confronted the first OW and thank god, I had three girlfriends there to keep me in check because I was going to hurt her. However, all that said, I felt GREAT after I did it and to this day, do not regret what I did. My friends came along because I asked them too, because I knew my temper. I know I scared the piss out of this woman and maybe thats unhealthy of me, but it made me feel better.

Now for OW2...she lives 1000 miles away. Time will tell what I do with that one.

Yes I know, it's mainly our spouses' faults. In my case, this OW2 knew he was married with small children and didn't care, she wanted him to run away with her. She is a true homewrecker and I have zero tolerance. I don't owe her nothing, let alone a pass on this one.

It's tough. I hope you can find something to at least distract you from some of the pain. A vacation sounds like a great idea!

Maybe take out your anger on a heavy bag or lift some weights or go for a run. You can't R from jail.

The work trip sounds like a good idea. It will give you the time and space you need.

(((HUGS)))

I know how you feel. It's horrible, just horrible. My betrayal was a double betrayal. My husband cheated with someone I know, someone who had been a guest in my homes, etc.

I did tell her spouse. That felt good. He was grateful.

But the relationship is between you and your wife. This guy needs to be dead to you. Dead to your wife, too.

Focus on your wife, your relationship. Indulge in a fantasy and let that be your release. But workout, go running, walk, whatever . . .channel that energy into something positive. Put your attention into things that will have positive results.

Post on cheaterville if you must. But the negativity will eat you alive and you might end up with some kind of boomerang karma.

I totally get it. OW in my case is also 1000 miles away. And it takes all my self control on a daily basis not to expose her and unleash hell.

I don't because I don't want MORE drama and I don't think it'd make a difference. She's a bunny boiler and sees their relationship as "meant to be" regardless of the fact that he was never leaving me. Her perspective is screwed up and she's unremorseful. Who does this to someone and acts like it was "their right" and is then indignant when the BS is angry?? She might as well say "this has nothing to do with you" to me. I just don't get it.

For me the initial urge for revenge was kept in check by constantly reminding myself that my kids needed their dad and that potentially missing out on their lives because of trying to make a point to an idiot wasn't even worth it.

Do what luv suggested and try to find a distraction.

Chef - sounds JUST LIKE the recent OW in my story! psychos!

I know exactly how you feel Sir. And I feel you have every right to seek any and all satisfaction from your WW's "shopping" friend. I long ago stopped telling anyone what they should do. However I will tell you that you do not have the whole story on what happens after you exact that sweet revenge.

I did "pay back" my WW's AP. ( If you read my profile you will see he is my brother). And I continue to pay and pay and pay for the "pay back".

When WW told me, I tackled him, took him to the ground, and began to pound and stomp his head. Sounds great right? Oh hell no, it's anything but great.

In the state where we live, family violence of ANY kind is a felony. No matter the reason or justification. The quick breakdown on the immediate cost is: Bail for felony charge, retainer for criminal trial attorney, and that is just for starters.

Since the entire "pay back" was recorded on someones phone, the grand jury indicted me for Aggravated Family Violence/Assault because I kept stomping and beating long after he was out cold and could no longer defend himself. More money. So... with all the evidence, all the Police and Paramedic and E.R. doctor's reports. My lawyer advised to take a plea bargain as fast as possible, I did. Now the money train really starts.

Court costs, fines, probation fees, anger management/psych evaluations and monitoring fees, ALL of his medical bills for all the facial reconstruction and Oral Surgery now and in the future. And compensation for his lost time at work directly related to his rehabilitation.

As I said Sir, I tell no man or woman what they should do, I just thought you might be interested in the whole story of what happens next. Oh and BTW: he still fucked her, she still lied to me, and they still both betrayed me. All of these thousands and thousands of dollars have not changed those sad facts one iota. I can't say if your feelings are "healthy" for you or not right now, but they are a damn site cheaper.

Wow, It's Better Now. I'm sorry that happened to you though understand why you snapped. And you are right- it doesn't change the fact.

The OW was one of my best friends and one of the people I turned to when I found out my husband cheated on me (I didn't know who with). I sent her a very angry email, desperate for an apology.

I got one, but a self justifying, self pitying, "I am the victim" one which also implied she had deep feelings for him even though she was at my wedding, and it only made things so much worse for me.

Do I hate her with a burning passion and wish I could murder her? Yes, but I'm not taking revenge. It's not worth it, for the most part. I agree that they have to be dead to you- I am trying to get there, too. We can't control the AP, as hard as it is to accept.

I also had a go at a pork leg with a knife on sunday. That helped I wished it was a voodoo pork leg!

I so want revenge on the OW - badly! Yes I know my WH is as much to blame but he will get his when life as he knows it ends for him. She will not be his happy ever after, he will not find the so called happiness he is looking for and she will not be there to take care of him when he gets sick. He will get sick due to a health issue now. He will have to move to his daughters for care and he will hate that. I still want to exact revenge on the OW and I hope karma rips her evil heart out.

Thanks for the input.

My son is the main reason I don't go do it, on top of possibly being separated from him, actively pursuing violence is different than defending my family and that wouldnt set a very good example for him. Punching a bag and exersizing help but it's still a common thought. I've started the proccess of exposing the last om, its calmed me down some. Hopefully I can get some closure knowing they all know they're busted and that their bs knows what happened.

I have been thinking about revenge a lot lately too. I feel OW has gotten off too easy. I felt I was taking the high ground and trying to erase her from our lives by not giving her a second thought. But she has made 2 attempts to pull WH back since NC. She used work as an excuse to talk to him. WH has been very firm and clear with OW as to NC. I know if OW attempts to contact WH again, I am afraid of what I might do. But my rational side says I am an adult, and I am responsible to my children and most of all to myself. Like everyone has said, you need to focus on yourself now, and what you need to do is distance yourself from this for the time being.

Its better now, I'm sorry your situation went so badly. I would have a hard time controlling myself if it was my brother though, that's intense. I found a 'best friend' in the closet a few years ago and he lucked out that ww went to run away for the front door and catching her was for some reason more important to me than clobbering him. As I turned around to get him he had just made it out the back door where his car was waiting. Still want to kick his arse sometimes.

..@LonelyBH.. spending time thinking about exacting revenge is an activity to which I have devoted many hours.

..sadly, as stated here, nothing can ever change the events of their betrayal.

..never-the-less... there would still be tremendous satisfaction taken by pounding his ugly face into oblivion and knowing he will have to suck his food through a straw for 6 months!

..I cannot help but envy "It's Better Now' for the beating he laid on the OM (his own brother )

..in my case, I waited patiently for a 'higher authority' to take the revenge on the bfOM.. he had used my gf/wife for 18 years and then, after my discovery, it took another 18 years for the best revenge I could have hoped and prayed for, to arrive!

..he came down with a lethal dose of brain cancer.. ended his law practice, physical abilities deteriorated, vision, speech, became wheel-chair bound, lost bowel control, ..underwent multiple surgeries with no cure.

..I learned that his BW never let him forget the betrayal and his family, mom, dad, brother and his 2 young sons had to bear watching him slowly die.

..at57, he knew he would never see them grow up, get married, have grandchildren, no golden retirement years..

..NO FUCKING NOTHING for him and I still smile, knowing that he 'knew' what he did was so deserving of his fate.

..this was way, way better a consequence for his horrible betrayal than I would ever have been able to inflict on him.

..he spent a fortune on medical stuff in other countries searching fo any type of cure.. to no avail!

..he could not have ignored thinking about the karma and the human costs for his family, the shame that he carried for his selfish actions.

..I do have to wonder if his 2 sons are aware of their father's history??

..without knowing, I wonder if they will turn out just like him, ..arrogant, self-entitled, selfish, cheating bastards.

..or would they actually benefit from the truth, if told, so that they can learn from their father's plight, and not betray their future wives,families and more importantly, themselves.

..what kind of 'friend' will they be?

..I hope, a much better and truer one than their father ever was!!!

..I continue to keep the promise I made to him when I confronted him in his law office 26 years ago.. that I would live to see him dead, and I would piss and dance on his grave.

..hoping to run into his younger brother there and have a few choice words with him. He was complicit in the entire 18 year long affair and I know they laughed and joked about all the bj's Mr. Slick Lawyer was getting from my gf/wife over that time.

..he's not laughing now though. He gets to have no brother for the last 30 years of his life. ..no 'uncle stevie' to spend family time with, ever, ever, ever!!!

..so, yes, a punch out would have given me great satisfaction, but his real consequences were by far, much more severe than I could have possibly come up with!

..he got the maximum sentence for his crime.. the death penalty!

..revenge doesn't get much better than that.

..( and yes, I AM gloating over the fate that this piece of shit of a friend and human being got coming to him..)

..it's the only thing now that is keeping me sane.

..and reading Psalm 109 helps too.

rant over!

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 7:00 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Somanyyears and the two members who PM'd me: Evidently the message of my reply to LonelyBH was totally misunderstood by some . It was in NO WAY an endorsement of revenge. I thought I made it abundantly clear that it (revenge) benefited me NOTHING, and has cost me thousands of dollars, loss of self respect, loss of position in our community,( No one wants their son's Scout Master left alone on camping trips with their child after he totally flips out like this ), and I have been stripped of two very hard earned Black Belts by the sanctioning organizations who can not afford a convicted psycho felon in their upper membership . SMY: Sir you used the word envy. Please don't envy me, I was a damn fool. What I did was foolish, and in the the end I come out far, far worse than the piece of trash that I disfigured for life. In fact, because I did this, I am now worse than the lowlife cheating scum that brought me here in the first place.

I did contact OW to say leave my family alone.

She didn't. She set up fake email account to contact H.

He was waking up from the fog and knew I would leave if there were any more lies and smartly showed me the email. Code word to see if it was okay to chat.

I made H call OW with me right there put her on speaker and tell her it was over. I asked if she was in love with my H and she said yes. I looked at my H for a response. He looked like the beaten dog he was. Here he was stuck between his wife and his mistress. He took a deep breath and told her he didn't love her, everything was a lie, they were selfish and they both should of put their families first. She replied..."uhm, okay" (guess she was hoping for a different response)

I then subsequently called her the next day and told her to stay away. My H had obviously made his choice. I told her I was done speaking with her but if she contacted anyone in my family ever again, the next time we spoke it would be in person.

I asked IC if this was the best way to handle. She stated that she had no problem with it.

So I guess, confrontation can be in many ways.

I am not the type of person to suffer in silence so I don't think I could have even began to move on until I had my say.

H has had to continue to earn my trust each and every day.

So, I agree with the others...don't stoop to their level and do anything to cause you legal or financial trouble but if you need him to "hear" you...then I understand.

They both hurt and betrayed you. They both made conscience choices to cheat. You want to blame him (and he does own half the blame) bc it is easier than believing the person you have your life, love and heart to would choose to hurt you.

Please, please consider IC. You have been dealt a blow beyond comprehension. You are in shock and logic and emotions are at odds.

Be kind to yourself. Know that you matter and keep moving.

Good luck.

..It's Better Now..

..there are most certainly different perspectives on the revenge scenario.

..yours seems to have taken the same course as the poor guy who catches a burglar robbing his home and shoots him.

..he commits the crime, and you go to jail. Where's the justice??

..many will say you had every right to defend your marriage and family against the man who set out to destroy your life (brother or not)

..many would agree that he got what he deserved.

..the fallout consequences for you seem totally unfair, based upon the carnage that your brother brought to your life.

..if you had not laid a finger on him, what consequences would he have faced?

..did the community think that you were not justified in ministering his punishment?

..was there any legal recourse that would have punished him? I doubt it.

..while you may have had to suffer (unfairly) the costs, both financial and otherwise, you still have your self-respect in tact, IMO. When one has their whole life compromised, especially by a brother, scolding him and telling him he's not nice, just doesn't cut it.

..I think you deserve more respect than you give yourself credit for here.

..what does your brother say about what he did and the consequences he brought on himself?

..I think we have all seen cases of our personal rights and the law work at cross purposes.

..i see it as he got what he deserved and YOU DIDN'T..

..I guess revenge doesn't come cheap, but then my Dad always said, "You get what you pay for!"

..had you not paid a dime, you also would have had NO revenge..

..I wonder how you would be feeling if you hadn't lifted a finger in protest, and your brother had gotten away with fucking you over.

..revenge is just that...revenge.

..I still regret to this day, not beating the living shit out of my 'trusted friend' that day in his law office. assault charges be damned!!!

..your life was attacked and you defended it.

..your consequences are a sad product of the wishy-washy politically correct expectations we are forced to live by that emasculates us to the point we are supposed to let this crime of all crimes slide by.

Fuck that Shit!

SMY

I was just saying there are people still alive today only because my kids need me and I'm too picky an eater to survive prison food.

We all know the feelings.

Last ow is scared of me.

FWH told her I was crazy, and maybe I am!!!

I was just saying there are people still alive today only because my kids need me and I'm too picky an eater to survive prison food.

I'm there, too. The only thing worse than OM being able to run around bragging that he had sex with my WW would be....OM bragging that he had sex with my WW AND I had to pay him thousands of dollars afterwards in a civil court case.