What do you tell them when they ask why you are getting a D? Or do they ask?
They know daddy hurt mommy, and that mommy does not have to forgive him for it, but they don't really ask much about why anymore. When my older son asked again recently if there's a small chance we would get back together, I just told him "no" and told him the above again. I also stressed to him that if he hurts people very badly, they do not have to forgive him; and if people hurt him, he does not have to forgive them.
I think you should talk to their IC about your fears.
I have certainly stressed this with her. As people say that some IC's don't seem equipped to handle infidelity, sometimes I wonder about this IC being qualified to handle this situation. She seems great at working with them when it comes to handling tantrums and other issues, but not specifically this issue. But I speak with her at the beginning, and then she works with each of them individually, and then we leave. She doesn't really tell me what happens.. I don't know if she's allowed to or not, but I'm kind of hoping she can build a rapport with them and they can feel safe opening up to her without me having to know about it at the end. I've told the kids the counselor won't be telling me what they say in counseling in the hopes that they will open up to her without fear.. Like the fear of mom getting mad at dad or dad getting mad at mom. Just giving them someone they can talk to who is not involved in the situation..
You should stress that they can tell you ANYTHING and it will be ok. Reinforce that they should not lie about things to you.
I have told them this numerous times, but I think they have kind of backed off wanting to tell me things. I've told them they should never lie to me, but STBX has stressed to them that they don't have to tell me what happens over there. Obviously he is telling them I'm a liar and wants them to keep secrets from me. I don't want to interrogate them and force them to tell me things, so I have kind of been taking the approach of just letting them discuss with me what they want when they want to..
There have been a few times there's been an issue like STBX tells them I cursed him out through text, and I tell them that didn't happen, so then they get mad and say that they feel like, "Mom is telling me dad is a liar, and dad is telling me mom is a liar." And then they get angry and just don't want to talk about it anymore.. Sometimes they just refuse to talk to me about dad or anything they did while they were gone; and though I want them opening up to me, I just tell them that is fine.. I keep stressing that they can tell me anything, but I think I need a new line. Older son said one time, "Dad told me if I tell you some things, you won't let us see him anymore."
I told him that's not true, but I'm don't feel right forcing him to tell me whatever secrets he might be keeping..
You should also stress that no matter what, you and Daddy will be getting this divorce. And that you BOTH still love them very much.
Yes, they've heard plenty of times that no matter what, mommy and daddy are not getting back together. And though it's frustrating he does not reciprocate, I always tell them we both will always love them very much.
My son's phone has been an issue as well as STBX almost always has him "lose it" or let the battery die when he is over there, and my son will tell me that dad doesn't want him to text me while he is there. I encourage him to text dad while he is here, and I tell him, "Dad wants to hear from you while you are here, and I want to hear from you while you are there, so please just text your dad. We both miss you while you are gone, so you should keep in touch with both of us." Older son actually said one time that he had to go in the bathroom to text me back so STBX wouldn't know..
what is a good secret (like what you are getting for a birthday present) vs. a bad secret (if anyone ever hurts you and tells you not to tell)
We've had that exact conversation, using the exact same analogies..
I would document it, and tell your lawyer that you want a letter sent to his lawyer telling him to stop alienating the children telling them lies about you, and to stop telling them to lie to other people.
The letter is a good idea. STBX does NOT respect me or my opinions (or his mom or the laws or the rules or anyone else really, so I won't feel special), but I do feel like some of this would be better come out of someone's mouth, anyone's mouth but mine. He just doesn't listen to me when I tell him my concerns about the kids.
I've told my lawyer about this and discussed parental alienation, but a big component of proving that particular charge is that the alienation actually works, and the child no longer wants to be with the alienated parent. While I have a lot of proof of him attempting this using a lot of the tactics the alienator will use, he has NOT been successful as I still think I have a very strong bond with them. Sometimes I think it affects our relationship, especially when they first get home, but overall, he has not been able to actually alienate them from me.
Otherwise, I have given my lawyer proof of tons of his other mistakes and violations of the administrative orders, including sending messages through the children (constantly
), refusing me contact when he has them, being rude and unreasonable in his communications with me, picking them up late from school, not giving my son his asthma medication, not doing homework, not taking them to Boy Scouts or completing Boy Scout activities, the list goes on and on.
He actually just tried to deny me Mother's Day because Sunday is his normal day and "it's not a real holiday," but I forwarded all the emails to my L, who forwarded them to his L, who told STBX it was a BAD idea to refuse me Mother's Day (well duh, you stupid POS)..
I guess I'm just ready for all my proof to starting counting for something. I had fired my old L a few weeks ago and just hired my new one (I like him already), so we had to delay mediation to give my new L a chance to get up to speed and to give STBX time to produce his pension plan, which he tried to hide.. Sometimes I think I'm just ready to go to court, cause I don't see any way a judge would look at all of our communications and all my proof and think that he's the reasonable, stable parent who encourages contact with the other one..
But that is a shit sandwich
Yeah, I'm just tired of eating it already. Sorry for the long rant. I just could use any advice or words of encouragement, cause I'm feeling at the end of my rope with this crap..