SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi MM,

My H is Hardlessons, our story is somewhat similar to yours, with out the 5 yrs to the same woman. My H walked in the door 18 yrs ago and told me he wanted a divorce and blindsided me with it. He had also made the mistake of opening up to a co-worker. He moved out and we were separated for a time. We eventually got back together, but it was never the same for me after that. There was always a wall. You see I knew what he was capable of from that point on. And I never trusted him again. I think this is where you are making your mistake.

We also were high school sweet hearts, got married at 19. I have also suffered from depression at times and my H has been at a loss as how to help me. For him, helping women at work was easier, they were fixable, I wasn't.

Unfortunately, my husband and I are the position of being madhatters at this point. I finally moved out three years ago and in a moment of pure rage and inability to cope with myself and my feelings, I slept with someone else. This devastated my H as you can imagine. We got back together and tried reconciling, he struggled with what I had done, and he fell back on his old methods of coping, and started another EA two years into our reconciliation. I busted him after it had been going on for three months. At that point, I was done. My love for him was gone.

It has been a tough year for us. Me standing back to see if he can really change, and him working his ass off to do it. And he has. And my love has slowly come back.

I worked my ass off and still am to fix who I am. And together we are making it happen.

See the part you are missing here is including your wife in on your story. That was what my H failed to do. And he eventually fell back on his old coping mechanisms when shit got tough again.

Is shit going to get tough for awhile if you confess? Ya. And your wife may not fix her shit, and then you have a choice to make, cause bottom line YOU can't fix her. She has to want to get better. And if she doesn't, you don't HAVE to spend the rest of your life with that. But at least leave on an honest note. Be authentic, and real with her.

I can tell you, she already knows in her gut that something is off. I knew, I always knew, I just pushed it under the rug and told myself that as long as he came home at night that was what mattered. And the rage that I had that night, that was directed at me, for staying with him.

And BTW, Welcome to SI.

9 years of trying to figure it out, what was wrong in my marriage, disconnectedness for no apparent reason, racking my brain and talking to my wife and even counseling with her and coming up empty every time.

Finally, as I was nearly to the point of walking away from it all, leaving someone that I loved more than I've ever loved anyone, convinced that what was wrong was me,

Time difference aside that was my experience as well. I could tell something was wrong and kept pressing. Eventually she convinced me it was my problem. I felt so low and damaged. Later I found out the truth. I still resent that to this day and has made forgiveness near impossible for me.

As much as you think you can keep a poker face, the internal emotions have a way of showing. In the end the infidelity is not what hurts me and would end my M. It is the lies I would D over. Most BS would tell you the same.

It is your choice, but I offer my experience as anecdotal evidence on the confession side.

FWIW- My W too has Depression. I am sorry you have had to deal with that. I know that special brand of hell all too well. I know I carry a lot of resentment about that and you really need to talk to someone about that as it is likely a big part of the decision that brought you here.

Tiredgal, i appreciate your thoughts and your perspective.

I have read every one of the replies to my question and it has given me much to consider.

We all speak from our own experiences which i respect and i will continue my journey.....what ever that is.

I am not sure if I will confess or not. That is my choice. Its curious to me that an opinion of a therapist that has seen thousands if not tens of thousands of couples and what infedfilty has done to marriages can be so easily dismissed as being wrong. I understand the "born again" mentality of those that have seen the light and the benefit of confession and now believe that it is the one true way to salvation. I may get there. I am not there yet.

It's just as curious to me that you can dismiss the wisdom (what is it you call it? "born again" mentality) of a site that has been around for more than 10-years devoted to healing from infidelity with just about 40K members. How very convenient.

You aren't going to tell your wife. Your choice. Don't try to convince anyone here that it isn't because you're scared of the outcome.

My FWH also had a LTA that he tried to stop several times, but started back up again for various reasons. When he finally ended it for real and OW understood that it was truly over, she decided to take things into her own hands and showed up on my doorstep with proof of the A. You know, just to give me the little push I needed to end the relationship with my FWH, so she could have him.

Let me tell you that it is a horrible way to find out. The only way that I can imagine would be worse would be to find naked pics of your spouse with their AP. I suffer from PTSD, as do many people here who have found out this way. If your BW is already suffering from depression, this would be a huge blow to her mental health.

5 years is a lot to have invested in a relationship. You may think you know how your AP will react, but you may not. Especially if you have always returned to the A in the past. It would be so much better for your BW to hear this from you, not from a stranger who is actually out to hurt her. I know this may not apply to your situation, but please consider it, if there is any possibility that it does.

Baxter, in no way am i dismissing the opinions of the people here. I understand and respect what this site is trying to do. If i didnt i wouldnt have joined and expressed my opinion as i did. If i was looking for validation, i wouldnt have reached out. The passion by which you believe what is right is what you felt was needed in your situation. I just wanted to know how someone who doesnt agree with confessing would be accepted. I may get to the point where i will confess. I am not there yet. Its very clear that confessing is "the" component one has to accept here otherwise a new path, a new beggining will never truly be attained.

I may get to the point where i will confess. I am not there yet.

I realize I'm swinging 2X4s here but this quote MM - this is all about you and it's so self serving.

Make it about your wife and her healing.

BS here, didn't see a Stop sign.

Do you believe you control the universe? That may sound snarky, but I'm being serious. Is your AP married? If so, how do you know her spouse won't contact your wife? How do you know you haven't been a little sloppy and your wife won't stumble upon something on her own? How do you know your AP won't become overcome with guilt in a year and decide to show up on your doorstep? How do you know someone who knows her hasn't seen you and isn't going to tell her down the road? You can't control the world.

You have an opportunity to give your wife what many of us BSs would kill for. Confessing the whole truth at a time where maybe she can take a few days to sleep in or hide. You can choose the actual day and time. I found out on my own, by accident, on a Monday morning when I had to get two kids to school and then I had to get through an entire school week dying for Saturday to come so I could curl up in a ball and try to get some sleep without any commitments to worry about. I was so traumatized I couldn't even make my kids lunches.

How old are your children? Does she work? If so, when you are ready to tell her, please try to pick a time where maybe the kids can go somewhere for the weekend and she can have some space and NO obligations. She deserves to know the truth and you're fooling yourself if you think it can't come out in some other way or from someone else.

P.S. Please tell her the WHOLE truth and answer any questions she has.

confessing is "the" component one has to accept here otherwise a new path, a new beggining will never truly be attained

Actually I don't think it is confessing that is the component here. Because unfortunately many of our spouses didn't confess. You are getting confessing confused with being honest, and authentic. That is what we are trying to ask of you.

You might not confess to her. And that is certainly your choice. You are still welcome here. We will try to help you in your journey to find out what caused you to stray. In that journey to find your whys and learn to be authentic with yourself again, I think you may find a need to be totally honest. Maybe, maybe not. That is for you to decided.

But you do need to begin the work.

Tired, i am in total agreement with you.

BS here.

If your position is based on the fact that one counselor with years of experience treating thousands of patients is of the opinion that not being honest with your spouse is the best option, maybe you should try explaining how Shirley Glass, experienced researcher, counselor and author of Not Just Friends consistently says that disclosure IS necessary for a M to heal after infidelity.

Cherry picking among "experienced" opinions for the one that supports yours isn't going to convince anyone on this site.

You don't want to tell? Okay. No one here can make you. You will still get support, though certainly mixed with people taking you to task for your lack of honesty and for placing your own interests ahead of your BW's interests. Continuing to look for support for your desire not to tell is, in my opinion, simply a waste of time. You know the general stance and opinion of this community.

There are two huge exceptions to not telling: if you're having an affair and you haven't practiced safe sex, even if it's only one time, you have to tell. Again, the moral principle is minimizing the hurt. But this time, the greatest risk of hurt comes from inflicting a sexually transmitted disease, and I've never seen a relationship recover from that.

Aren't people overlooking this huge exception to Kirshenbaum's "rule" of not confessing? How many Waywards truly use protection every single time for the duration of an affair? How many use protection for oral? Almost zero I would bet.

It sounds to me like Kirshenbaum would say pretty much all PAs needs to be confessed.

If i was looking for validation, i wouldnt have reached out

I respect the work that the WS’s have done in their lives and the passion by which they express their beliefs, but is confessing right for everyone.

If you're not looking for validation, what does it matter what everyone else is doing?

SI had guidelines against attacking each other, discussing politics, judging about religious beliefs or lack thereof. It's also been made clear that people still active in Affairs with no intention of stopping are not welcome.

The rest is a grey area that we debate about, share perspectives, and hopefully walk away from the computer wiser and with more compassion for our partners and ourselves.

I think the debate here is really about how much we are allowed to distort reality for the supposed comfort of our spouses or ourselves. Clearly there are two camps on this thread - those who believe that truth is absolute, including undisclosed events being lies by omission. The others believe that what you don't know won't hurt you.

The thing is, that's not real. You can't see cancer in the earliest stages, but it can hurt you if it's lurking in your body. Maybe it will never manifest to stage 4, or maybe it will. Being armed with the information means you can take way better care of yourself. You may choose not to tell your wife what you've done, but she regards you as trustworthy and that is false. Even if you spend your life making it up to her while she is unaware of your indiscretions, you betrayed her. You are not who you purport to be and all the shellacking in the world isn't going to present to her the real you.

You will find people here who laud better living through denial. You will find many more who know that integrity can only be expressed through authenticity. Reality. Not pretend.

Not telling her is pretending it never happened.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:03 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

You will find many more who know that integrity can only be expressed through authenticity. Reality. Not pretend.

^^^This, plain and simply. Very well put Jrazz.

I did a ton of shit that my BW never knew about, but it created distance - distance that she blamed herself for. Now that she knows the truth, here reality is rocked to it's core.

I think you have to ask yourself how authentic of a relationship do you want with your W. Do you respect her enough for her to know what is going on in her life?

Do you respect her enough for her to know what is going on in her life?

yep. And this is the reason I may end up leaving - the utter lack of respect.

To get off subject here a bit as you have plenty of advice so far.

What do you believe is the cause of your wife's depression? And when did it start in your opinion? And you have mentioned that she has not gone to get help for the depression?

T/J Rachel C

yep. And this is the reason I may end up leaving - the utter lack of respect.

That respect thing starts with self-----respect before we can expect others to have it for us.

end T/J

Hi MM, I am a betrayed spouse.

I am familiar with Mira Kirschenbaum and I remember reading the excerpt you included. I believe it was from a past Time magazine article. I wrote Ms. K to ask if she still stood by this statement. Afterall, her husband had had an affair. Was she better of NOT knowing?

As echoed by others I had NO clue about my husband's affair until I discovered it one year after it ended. I just thought there was something "missing" between us. Something I could NOT put my finger on. We even went to counselling! Like the others, I thought it was me. I would ask him time and again if something was bothering him. A reassuring "no" was always the answer. Perhaps you and your wife have this exchange as well.

My H for his part was determined to make things work with me. That is why he ended the A. For him, it was about sex. For the affair person, it became very emotional. He never wanted to leave me and our family. When she wanted more, he wanted out of the affair.

He really, genuinely believed (as I believe you do) that we could have a fulfilling married life even though there would always be this secret between us. A disconnect that was frustrating me to no end.

He was SURE I would leave him if I found out about the affair. Well guess what? I am still here. It has been a painful, gut-wrenching five months with the first two being the worst. I ask questions, he answers. He shows remorse, he holds me when I cry. He backs off when I want space.

Not only is our marriage in R but we are learning so much more about ourselves as a couple and as individuals in the process. Even though I wish this had never happened I believe without a doubt that had I NOT found out:

a) he would have entered into a second affair at some other point in our marriage bc he would not have done "the work" on himself to figure out why he started an affair.

b) that we would not be as close as we are today

Someone recommended After the Affair by Janis Spring. I do too. My H bought it and read it as did I. Perhaps someone will private message you with some more advice.

Also, the invite is there to PM me. If you have any questions for the BS, I can offer you my perspective in a non-threatening, thoughtful manner.

Take care.

LA

ps: Incidentally, Ms. K never wrote me back.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:33 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Yep, HL. Agreed! Self respect means living authentically towards ones values....

So a 7 year...did I count that right? ...LTA. On and off. And she knew about the first 2 years.

I think it would an even bet that she still suspects.

Maybe that's why she's still depressed. Your on and off affair has led you away from her. It is simply impossible to have a good M while u are in an A. You are distracted, disengaged. Maybe you think you aren't. But the BS notices.

There is no salvation in confession. No fresh start. No amazing catharsis. It feels awful and scary and horrible. And the horror of that DDay never goes entirely away.

But it's a hell of a lot better than lying for the rest of your life.