SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yesterday I saw my AP for the first time since Oct 2011.

The day before (Wednesday) I was reading a post on SI from a new member. It was one that resonated with me because she mentioned AM in her post (I was on AM ). Then that night I had a dream - can't remember details - but I woke up pissed that my AP was in my dream. It wasn't sexual, I just remember he was in it. I remember waking up thinking 'Why the fuck are you in my dreams, go the fuck away.'

I didn't think about it after that.

Then later in the afternoon I had to run into town. I was looking forward to my BH coming home because we were going to get some 'bonus' time together as our DS was helping out at a track meet after school.

After I parked my car and started walking into the store, I noticed a truck that looked like the AP's truck - pretty standard F250 really. Then I see him walking out the door on the other end of the store. He wasn't looking in my direction at all, just walking towards his truck. Once it hit me that it was him, I looked away and went in the store.

Once in side, I felt an over whelming sadness - not from missing the AP - but for my BH. I felt sadness for the deep pain I have caused him. Sadness for the shattering of our lives. Sadness for the dark cloud that will forever be there. Sadness that I was 'that' woman. Sadness that we are even in this 'sad' situation. It just hit me all at once.

It was strange how all those occurrences happened so close together. Just coincidence, but odd.

Needless to say, my BH and I never got our bonus time because our DS called to come pick him up. So instead we got bonus time working in our yard clearing out some brush - something that we actually enjoy. My BH got to pull some old fencing with his JD tractor - good 'guy' stuff!

Not sure why I am posting, just to put it into words really...

I love you Tred and I am so sorry for forever tainting our lives.

[This message edited by SandAway at 9:01 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Blech, what a drag. Sorry about that.

How's Tred doing with this?

Well, he wasn't happy that the AP was around town in the afternoon when the last we knew he had a job over an hour away (60 miles or so)

What a beautiful post. Got through half a box of Kleenex before I pulled myself together.

Don't think I've ever read words that better illustrate the personal tragedy of adultery. The stain you just can't wash away.

Hey SandAway,

Amazing how our intuition can kick in when we need to be protected. Listen to those dreams from now on!

You are so sincere and self aware. I only wish my exgf had one hundredth the regret you demonstrate. Try to forgive yourself a little. If you were my ww I would forgive you in a heartbeat.

phoenixrivers

(((SandAway & Tred)))

Once in side, I felt an over whelming sadness - not from missing the AP - but for my BH. I felt sadness for the deep pain I have caused him. Sadness for the shattering of our lives. Sadness for the dark cloud that will forever be there. Sadness that I was 'that' woman. Sadness that we are even in this 'sad' situation.

I love you Tred and I am so sorry for forever tainting our lives.

This is what every BH wants to hear: expressions of love, remorse, and an understanding of the consequences of your actions. To know that our WW really gets it. It sounds like you really do get it, deep down inside. You have the rest of your life to show your husband what a good choice he made to stick with you.

Thank you all for your support.

Try to forgive yourself a little.

That is very hard, even after 1.5 years out...

That is very hard, even after 1.5 years out...

I am at over three years out and still have not reached that place. I know I have moved closer to it, I have not achieved it though. I reached forgiveness for Hlessons much quicker than for myself.

As you get farther out, the sadness at what has been lost and what was destroyed is sometimes very hard to take. Even though our M is better than it has ever been, there are things that were lost that I can never recover for us, for him. I think sometimes that is where the lack of forgiveness comes in for me.

tired girl,

interesting how you have forgiven HL yet not yourself.

the sadness at what has been lost and what was destroyed is sometimes very hard to take

This! My BH has suffered severely from my A. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and I see him suffer everyday. He triggers and doesn't even realize it at times. This in turn has had an affect on his job, things he has worked all his life to achieve. I just can't ever imagine forgiving myself.

My one wish every day is for him to simply fall asleep at night without a trigger.

Don't know why I'm posting in here- I really don't like coming to wayward, it's too painful for me. But I had to say that your post caused me great sadness...

Sadness for you and mostly for Tred. I know his triggers, they are likely similar to mine. But also sadness that I didn't have your kind of remorse from my husband. It would have saved our M- I was willing to work towards forgiveness and rebuilding our marriage. But he couldn't do what you are working so hard at. And that makes me sad for me and my kids.

Good for you SandAway. Good for you. Give it all you got. I have never said this to a wayward before, but I can respect your effort and hope you continue along this path to healing Tred and yourself.

indeed Purplerose, indeed.

hang in there Sandaway.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:31 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

This is a nice post. I often wonder if my BH thinks or feels sadness for me when he see his AP.

I hope its a feeling of sadness, regret, disgust.

Sorry for the t/j SandAway; but yeah, heartbroken, I hope the only emotion my xgf managed after she left me for her AP was shame at what she did. I doubt that seriously however.

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 5:47 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]