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Porn was never an issue until it became an issue, Kwim? I wasn't against it but he wasn't a big porn watcher. Enter ow and internet on cell phones...walah!! Now we have a problem. He's addicted, he watches wherever he can get 5 min alone. I think the big red flag is, he acts like he doesn't. He talks about the sick sob's at work and the sick shit they look at....but not him. It's a secret and secrets make you sick.

Ostrich, that is always their excuse.

My WS works in an auto shop with a bunch of guys (all guys as a matter of fact). His defense always includes telling me all about all the guys at work and the sick and twisted things they re into, or what disgusting way those men disrespected their wives in. I think it's his way of saying, "hey, compared to other guys, I am not that bad."

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Exactly BB ^^^^^^ he talks about these guys, shakes his head like they are disgusting but I swear he gets off talking about them. It's like he can discuss porn without telling on himself.

I've seen his taste for it change and heading towards more disturbing things. I think eventually they have to up the ante to get the effect they crave. Our intimacy is nada now. He can't keep an erection and I really think he'd rather j** off than be with me. It severely affected our sex lives. I am moving on, it bothers me.

Porn is porn. OW (ICU nurse) was sending my spouse porn by email while I was in ICU, and continued for years until she offered an affair. My WS had a 4 month intense SA and then 5 year emotional A with this nurse, neighbor by then and friend. Did porn start the A no, but it was part of her pursuit and continued.

My WS grew into a group of male friends (with OW's spouse being one) that porn was passed about. Ow continued to share porn her spouse sent to her on to my WS.

After D day and discovery of all the emails....spouse said he was finished with porn. It was not a request from me, though I really did not want to see all the pics. He had even visited porn sites on his computer that our son saw.

WS soon start passing on porn with friends some after his declaration and Shit hit the fan from me as it was one of his own things he was changing....He forgot was his excuse.

Fast forward 6 months later and he has not forwarded any, am assuming he still looks at some his buddies send him....but it is one of the live changes he has made to be a better person (he says)

Porn is a personal thing...and some couples enjoy looking and sharing..the sad part of all porn is those girls/boys are someone's children. One of my WS buddies daughter was involved in the porn business to support her drug habit....and died in her parent's home of an OD .

but is porn normal?

normal for todays society, maybe, but ok? Not if it is hurting the person u say u love! I left a 31 yr marriage after living with an SA from day 1 and have unfortunately stepped into another relationship with an SA who denies and refuses to see that he has a problem. As far as he is concerned...it is my problem and what he does is normal and hurts no one. Then why hide it?

All i know, is the minute my back is turned, the porn comes on and i detest the stuff! Communication breaks down as result. I shut down, I remove myself from the relationship so that I don't get hurt. I love my guy but I don't love what he does, especially when he knows that it hurts me.

He uses the usual excuses 1) it is physically easier on him to do himself 2) it is just a stress reliever and means nothing 3) at least it isn't like he was doing a real person (therefore he doesn't consider it cheating on me!) 4) it's a guy thing, all guys do it 5) it doesn't hurt anyone

Well, it hurts me and disgusts me! It makes me want to hurt him back somehow! "you hurt me, take this and see how it feels!"

I don't know...it all makes me so very tired and sad. If men only cared and weren't so selfish at times....sorry, this is how i feel atm.

I'm not addicted to porn and would much rather be with my wife- I don't spend all my free time getting off on porn and I'm not constantly preoccupied with what's between my legs in general!!

My wife knows I watch it- she's watched it with me before and probably on her own!!

I don't watch anything weird or sick- not everyone who watches porn are pervs and some porn actors love it- look at James Deen- happy guy.

[This message edited by idiot85 at 6:51 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

I have no problem with porn or with my husband watching it. The PROBLEM I do have is the deer in headlights reaction if I ask him about it. I am just curious and it makes me laugh if he thinks I'm judging him! I'm an open minded kind of woman and I have no issues whatsoever with him watching it every now and again. We occassionally will have it on when we feel we want the visual in the bedroom. For me it's an illusion. The acts are pretty much staged and if I do watch it on my own, I get a good giggle from it. I don't think there's an issue with it, but I do think it's an issue if a spouse is bothered by it and the other spouse doesn't care.

This is an odd subject for me, because porn was apparently part of Perv's life-entire adulthood-but he managed to hide his addiction completely from me. Somehow, I have no idea, I never knew he looked at it!

From the time we met, he decided he wasn't going to tell me about it. I think at some point I would have been similar to the posts that speak of agreements about it and how it affects a couple. But now, 20 years later, I understand a lot about him/us that was chronically frustrating about our personal life, though that wasn't a bad thing.

Porn is something that I and counselors believe led to his SA and eventually looking outward -looking for the next "fix" and wanting to make the pictures real for his life, but he had me on the madonna / mother type of vision...but didn't choose to speak of that either. Not til OW was in the picture.

So to answer the original question, (lol at my long-winded note) I think if it can be agreed upon and not get out of hand or cause harm, than what harm really is it? In reality, there are all the comic books and fantasy writing and they don't cause harm if people don't let them...maybe a little stretch, just trying to say it's all context in some ways.

wow, that was an interesting comment someone made.

My husband, too, used to talk about his ex business partner and how gross he was to watch and download and even print porn at his desk at work.

THEN I found out my husband had been looking at a lot of it.

What is that?

I guess a big part of my problem comes from the fact that while I am away from home working, my guy is home doing not much else but viewing his porn. He will view it as soon as i leave for an hour or so, take a break and back at it for another hour or so. I come home and not much is done around the house. I also know for a fact that he will view porn when I am here sitting outside reading or whatnot. He checks out personals on craigslist EVERY day! I don't get the obsession!

I am always more than available to have some fun in the bedroom but now that I know of his daily porn use, i struggle with feeling comfortable with approaching him even. My thots and feelings are: why would he want to do anything with me when he has had his fill all day?

When it is a daily thing, and done within 10 minutes of me leaving the house....I call that an addiction! The feeling I get is that, like any other addiction, he can't wait for me to leave so he can have his "fix".

I might be oversensitive on this subject yet I feel the way I feel and wish he wouldn't discount my feelings.

When it is a daily thing, and done within 10 minutes of me leaving the house....I call that an addiction! The feeling I get is that, like any other addiction, he can't wait for me to leave so he can have his "fix".

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ exactly

There's a good website out there "Yourbrainonporn.com"

Anyway, just for the record, I have had 2 boyfriends that porn and strip bars did NOTHING for them. They were raised in loving, caring, homes, with good role models in their fathers and the parent's marriage was good. Not really sure if this is ALL that made them what they are. anyway, These two guys (one I dated in HS and one in my 30's), really loved cuddling, talking, more that porn, other women, etc. They were the guys who did not gawk if a pretty woman walked by our dinner table in a restaurant. It's just who they were,,,quality, sincere, and had balance in their lives.

On the other hand, XWH has always been interested in porn and the level of interest is high. Our marriage got to the point that he began to think porn is sex,, which it is not.

My answer doesn't count either because I've never 'gotten' porn, although it's popular as F!!!

I don't hate it, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I don't know what's a lot or 'normal'...I simply don't partake in the same way I don't care for hardcore fashion - just doesn't ring my bell.

To answer though, I think if it bothers YOU and he knows this, he (if trying to work on things) should abstain from it.