SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

iw2c,

Hugs to you friend. I was quite a bit older than you on my D-day.

I, like you, had a marriage everyone looked up to. It was a complete shock to our family, our friends, our community.

Before D-day I'd never balanced a checkbook, mowed the lawn, cleaned the gutters, taken the garbage out, or installed tracking programs on the computer. I learned, you can too.

Please don't let your previous dependence on him keep you tied to him. You can grow, you can change. Yes it takes time, you can do this.

As others have said, IC is important right now. You don't have to make any decisions today if you don't want to, just don't wallow for long.

And please don't have unprotected sex with him.

Hugs.

Hello everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been living each day one day at a time. The past few days have been especially hard. I don't know what caused this depressive episode, but I've been spending most of my time in bed. My work is piling up. Like most of you advised, I made an appointment to see a counselor, but I had to cancel. That was months ago. I will make another appointment tomorrow. I feel like I'm at a new low. His mother is coming to visit for the holidays. I want to tell her what's going on, but I know she will have to side with her son. I want to tell my mother, but she will tell others and she has her own problems. I married a wolf in sheep's clothing. He does so many things right. I want this nightmare to end.

I'm really concerned about you. I read your thread not knowing it started last summer.

Are you still isolated? Why don't you have friends? Is there anyone you can talk to? A neighbor you are maybe aren't that close with but would sit down and listen to anything you had to say? Does your husband have a hand in your isolation?

You need to be tested for STDs. Tomorrow. Even if you were a few months ago. Do it again.

And go see a lawyer. Explain everything. You need legal and financial advice. You have rights and your husband has financial obligations to you. If you ended up D, your husband would probably have to pay your legal bills. So go see a lawyer this week. Go to IC first, get tested for STDs first. Then see a lawyer for a free consult.

Thank you for your reply. I have always been a loner. I've never really had a social life. My life pretty much revolves around my kids, husband, and work. I'm isolated because I really don't know anyone. My husband is clueless about how to help me. He's wrapped up in his own wants and needs. Yesterday, I told him I have no energy to get my work done. He said the more I procrastinate, the more stress I will put on him to have to help me with my work. I don't think he really understands the damage he has done. I guess I'm using this site to vent and to feel less alone. I'm worried about me too. I am going to see a doctor and counselor this week. I think my health is probably also affecting my mood.

Iwant2change - after reading everything you posted, there is one thing that sticks out. How you've tried to be everything that he needed - that he wanted. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is NOT about you. This is NOT your fault.

This is ALL ON HIM. He is IN THE WRONG.

AGAIN - THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. HE CHOSE TO CHEAT. You are innocent in all of this. IT IS ALL ON HIM.

Please remember that.

Devastated30 hit the nail on the head about your WH's motivations to cheat..It is not about you..

I am almost 20 years older than you..I am looking at divorce as my only decision to make my life better.... I am scared shitless as to how the practicalities of my life will play out during and after D...

I recently retired from my job because I was eligible for full retirement..I am having serious health issues and decided that this was the only way I was gonna get any kind of extended vacation to deal with the shit that was thrown at me by my WH's cheating..

I needed the time and energy to figure out how to get myself out of my marriage without having to begin a work day already distracted and stressed...

I would suggest you try to take some vacation time too if you can...

I did fine in my career and have a modest savings and am living off of my company pension which I will get for the rest of my life..

I would have D'd my WH already if he had been self supporting and had savings and wasn't dependent on me..

The D laws in my state are grossly unfair.. It doesn't matter if one is a cheater...

If a spouse has been unemployed for a long time he or she is eligible for spousal support..

I can't support two households and I have no intention of going back to work to have my paychecks go in support of WH..

Sooo, I am kind of stuck until my WH feels compelled to go back to work and this is already starting to happen...He was on unemployment but now he is running out of money to insure the house, make co payments for his doctor's visits etc..

It is okay not to decide whether to stay or go any time soon but it is a good idea to put your ducks in a row for D and keep a sound(good) exit plan in place for the rest of your life/marriage...

At least there would be the peace of mind of knowing that should your marriage break up, you could be on your own with good shelter, food, and other resources...

So make WH's ability to be self supporting one condition of of being able to stay in the same house with you while you take some time to watch his actions and see how things play out...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:48 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]