SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ 20wrongsvs1....ty, i read the article. makes sense (a bit, lol).

@tiredgirl....i see what you are getting at, but i believe all situations are different, and think yours are unique to you and Hardlessons, as mine are to me and whatamess11. So, for me, I dont feel i am a better person for not saying i love you. I never said it because i never felt it. She did. feel it and say it. to my former BFF. The depths of her beytrayal with this man have only been skimmed here in our posts, both mine and hers. To know ALL of what I know of what happened, how it happened, what was said, done, etc is monumental and nothing like the A's i had, i assure you. That said, i am trying, really trying, not to compare A's because as the MC said, wrong is wrong. There is no worse wrong, its just wrong. You both did damage. So, in not trying to compare, i am trying to come to grips with the idea that my A's did impact, subconsciously, how i was at home and helped to make my WW vunerable to the A she had. i am trying.....i will continue to try for us and for our family. But as i said in my initial post, those words haunt me every moment of every day and are making it difficult for me to move forward in my R. My post was, and still is, geared to ask for help with me overcoming my issues with the "i will love you forever" comment and like comments my WW made to her OM, not to compare our wrongs. I know you have been very helpful to us, thank you. I value your opinion, and if you want to make this more about us as MH's, please feel free to private message one of us and we will be happy to read it and reply.....but for this, please help me if you can to overcome this roadblock, but not to debate who did what to whom, please. ty again for all your help :)

I am not trying to make this ABOUT being a madhatter so if it is coming across that way I apologize. Remembering that this is your reality in your situation can help.

I agree with your MC in that what you were doing was having an impact on your behavior at home. I don't agree that it left your wife vulnerable to an affair. It was her job to handle her unhappiness in the marriage in a constructive way.

If she had said these same things to an AP that wasn't your xbff would it bother you to this degree?

"If she had said these same things to an AP that wasn't your xbff would it bother you to this degree?"

Good question. I really think it would hurt no matter who it was, but in this situation with the double betrayal, bff, etc, i imagine it is worse, if that is possible.

I understand. I am trying to get to if it is the words, or who she said them to that is the hurdle for you.

If that makes sense.

thanks. it does make sense, and thats what i figured. Clearly that plays a role, but for me, i cant grasp how she could feel that way about another and stay. im not even questioning the A, if that makes sense. I am questioning how you can feel as though u will, "love the AP forever", he's your "soulmate", you were meant for him, and stay in a M. And i get even more triggered when my FWW tells me she loves me. Because she said it all throughout her A while telling the AP "i will love you forever"...so to me, it all rings as a facade, a fraud...all of it, and when she tells me, i cringe. literally.

Ok, so it sounds as if it is the words that bother you the most and you feel that they carried weight, she meant them and she felt them.

I imagine that leaves you wondering if she can turn them on and off so easily, meaning her feelings, what is to stop her from doing that again?

Have you asked her to stop saying it since it is triggering you so much?

[This message edited by tired girl at 6:43 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

A couple of quick thoughts:

I like what tired girl has said.

When I found about the A, and told a close friend at work, he asked me if I thought that one was only capable of loving just one person.

Also, are you afraid of being happy? I wonder sometimes for me that I am afraid, and that it is easier to just look at my WWs issues and be angry at her.

I remember seeing your posts in ICR over the winter now that I think about it. Is your WW acting with love to support her words? Maybe look at her actions and loving choices.

I don't know if this is a factor for you but what keeps me stuck is the idea that the EA/PA still believes that my H will love her forever, that he is somehow pining for her even as he rebuilds his marriage with me. Well, he's not. Not in the least little bit. He tries very hard not to think about her or any of the PAs because the shame makes him physically ill.

I've often thought it would help to have him write out a retraction of those feelings, to put down in black and white that even though he meant it in the moment that he has rejoined the real world and is no longer thinking with his brokenness and hormones. I would love for him to tell her that it was an infatuation and forever has already ended and that he does NOT love her and probably never really did, and furthermore that she was in love with a fantasy and never even knew the real him. That's what I want him to tell her but NC is NC so we're instead working on erasing her from our life.

Is it that she said the words or is it that he believes she still loves him? And does she still love him? If she does, then you have bigger problems than the words she said.

Here is how I got through it:

I decided my children's happiness and well-being was of far greater importance than my own. I"m an adult and can deal, they are kids and cannot. I remind myself of this whenever hurtful memories or suspicions pop up.

If my children's happiness and well-being meant I should leave a rich man who was an emotional or physical abuser, losing social status, working at a crap job and living in a boarding house, then I'd certainly live in a boarding house and protect them by removing them from the damage that living with an emotionally or abusive parent would leave on them.

On the other hand, that isn't my situation at all. My kids are happier with a dad in the home who loves and cares for them and in an intact family, financially stable life that provided them college and carefree except what peers dished out to them per usual teen crap. Someone is going to get damaged from this situation and it isn't usually the cheater who can compartmentalize and be in denial that he/she caused any damage at all, and can even act like a martyr for staying with the old spouse who isn't hot stuff. That means the great sacrifice will either be the kids making it or me, so it's going to be me. I'll take the hit.

I believe when you bring kids i the world you protect them and care for them at nearly all costs. Protecting them can mean leaving or it can mean staying. It all depends.

So how do I get through those demeaning hurtful things I read or remember? I remind myself that "(Kids names) happiness is greater than my own, soldier through it."

Your situation is tougher because you seem to be going through the "whose affair was worse" and on that one, it's a lose-all game.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:27 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Focus on the present. You cannot change the past so try not to focus on it. Change your thoughts when her words invade your mind. This is a bump in the road of R but you can control how you react to those invasive thoughts.

I had way too many of those issues and did what I suggested. It didn't work right away and those words still come back to me sometimes but I tell myself that I cannot change the past so I will focus on our present and future.

Remember those words were said in a "perfect" relationship. Nothing about affairs is real. Of course she wished she met him sooner, she only saw the great parts of him. So, don't take it as you are not good enough.

How could she, why would she......you may never know. She may never know.She wasn't thinking of you when she said that to him. Sorry but that is the truth. The whole concept of the affair is very, very selfish. In their minds the only two people who matter are them so they will say just about anything to each other.

Work on the present. You can do it.

thanks guys, i am finding this helpful..

@ tired girl, yes i have told her how i feel about it, and she feels that if she wants to say those words to me because she feels them, then she will. Although, she is a member here as you all know, and the past few nights since this post, she hasnt said any "love" words to me.

@ MCJack...thanks for the post. I don't believe i am afraid of being happy. And, i agree, especially at this point, actions do speak louder than words.

@peacelove...

I agree with you, perhaps this is a big part of why i feel this way. With the double betrayal of a former bff, i do think in his very narcissistic way, he believes she is his forever and he, "owns her"...a term he used to use about some of his other AP's, which he called"conquests". i do think he believes she pines for him still and is not with him due to life events, ie family....and not because she doesnt want him. And with NC, there is no way to chnge that. Truth, knowing him, if she sent a letter, stating what you had mentioned, he would somehow spin it to say, she....even after all this time, she sends me a letter, she clearly still loves me. Or, that I put her up to the letter. For what its worth, I do believe that she doesnt want him anymore, doesnt love him anymore, and that she is truely regretful and remorseful for what has occurred, but i still cant get over the words, the actions. its so unreal. like, where did this life come from, and how can i get my normalcy back.

I can honestly say this would be a very hard thing to get over.

Did your W pine for him at all after Dday?

Also, is it possible to move away from where you live now, so you don't have to see him anymore, especially given the attitude you just said that he has.

In the end, only you can decide if the words that were spoken are a deal breaker for you.

For me, I had to look at the actions that Hlessons was taking this past year and weigh them against what he had done. I sat back and didn't put myself back in the M, I just watched. I needed to know that he was making himself into a person I could trust. Maybe that is what you need to do at this point. You need to know that at some point she will be a person that you can trust to not give her love away to another man. That will take as long as it does.