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So, our court date was today. I called xWW, now xW, to check on them. I've been seeing all the stuff about the tornados and bad weather across the midland of US... Anyways, she was all upset and said she couldn't talk. I asked her what was wrong. She said "I had court this morning". Of course, I knew this, but chose to remain chipper. [For those of you who don't know, I'm working overseas.]

So, later she calls me back and said she felt horrible. I asked why, isn't this what you wanted? And she basically said "no".

Hmm.

Not that I didn't care. I did. But to hear her say that this isn't really what she wanted after all and feels horrible? Well, you can imagine how I felt.

Just goes to show you, she got want she wanted, and she is still not happy.

Go figure.

Hi LA - how are you feeling about it being final? Not knowing your story, were you the one who opted to move forward on D?

She filed. I never wanted it. This is totally her doing, but if you talk to her she acts as if this is all my fault. Hmm. Yea, i sure drove her to fuck some other guy. yea, right. But she still hasn't admitted to an A, though everyone around her thinks she's guilty. I remain silent on the issue and she has to know that I know what this is really all about and it is probably killing her. BTW, she still hasn't admitted to having an A, but it doesn't matter. I don't care anymore. If she wants to go fuck some random guy, whatever, go. I don't need it or her to make me happy...never did. My failure was in trying to make her happy, when that was never going to happen.

Do i like it being final? No. But this is what she wanted and pushed for, so it is what she got. I objected a couple of times and said that it is not what I wanted, but she surged ahead.

So, in the end, she can never say with any truth in her heart its on me. But she will lie and say that's it my fault all this happened. Whatever.

At some point, I just want to do what's right 4 the kids. I worry about her, but in a more general sense. I still love her, but I've come to a place where I'm ok. I'm not ok in some ways, but generally, I'm ok with knowing I didn't cause this.

I am sorry LA for what you have had to go through. As you noted, there is some solace in knowing you tried all you could.

In some ways, the pang of regret is more prevalent when a WS claims to want to "fight" for the marriage yet the BS opts for D. You may wonder "what if i stayed" but conversely you may wonder "what if I left" if you opted to stay only to be betrayed again.

I didn't want it to end. But, she pushed for D. Am I supposed to force her to stay. Her adultery has already told me that she didn't want to. She filed. She pushed. Not me. I am just sad for her because she is still not happy. She has a hole in her heart that I can't fill.

Here's a chorus from a song I just heard. It sums up how many of us feel at this point..

And I still wonder why heaven has died

The skies are all falling

I'm breathing but why

In silence I hold on

To you and I

From "fire and ice" by Within Temptation

[This message edited by la433 at 4:40 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]