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I'm with rivenheart on this one. I saw their correspondence (cOW doesn't know that); she developed a skittle farting unicorn tale of tragic love that could never be, blah blah blah. Possibly she is now sorry, but I've never heard it from her, and I think she OWES me an apology for causing me and my child tremendous grief.

Would I believe an apology from her? Don't know, but I still want it.

I've gotten (half assed) apologies and not gotten apologies.

The only apologies I've ever wanted were from the OW who pretended o be my best friend, pretended to understand my pain and pretended to only be there to have my back. Her entire intent was nothing but to have my husband and my life. She was never my friend. From her, I would have liked a sincere apology.

I've never had a sincere apology set me back because it is just that, sincere...with no strings attached. No further contact implied. Sure, it might cause a reminding wash of hurt but not a set back. (For me)

If there is further malicious intent, then don't pretend to apologize. I'm not trying to imply that you personally have malicious intent. I'm just speaking generally. You sound like you are truly sorry. As a BS(among other things), I would have welcomed a real, heartbroken, sincere apology. I've been left hanging SO MANY TIMES with the OW walking off, making fun of me, saying what an idiot I am, how foolish because I didn't know, relishing the secrets with my husband right in front of my face...blah blah blah...even when they've said nothing, I've still felt all those things. I've had women target me, just to prove they could steal my man because well, that's a stupid story but there's something about me that I cannot help that stirs up the desire to 'put me in my place' by other women who are weak and jealous types. It's happened my entire life. Yes, I would have loved a sincere apology.

That far out, I might be receptive, but I would want the offer to come via the other BS. As in, "My fWW is truly remorseful and wants to extend her sincere apologies to you even though she knows she can never "make up" for what she did. She would also like to offer the opputunity to you to ask her any questions that you have of her. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will help arrange it". I think, for me, it would help soften the shock of hearing from the OW and her intentions would be a little less suspect if her BS was involved. If I didn't want to hear from her, I could just say no and she would not have 'touched' me.

[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 4:59 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

If there was no other BS, I guess a councelor might be an acceptable contact.

[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 5:10 PM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

My H AP apologized to me, but I took it with a grain of salt.

I really don't care how sorry she is. I just want her to feel my pain.

If she tried to apologize to me now. I would think she just wants to make herself feel better. As far as I am concern, she has no right. At least compared to the Hell my fWH and the AP put me through.

Leave her alone...IMO. If anything -allow your H to reach out to her. She can identify with him checking to see if she is alright and apologizing for you.

BS here-

Write it but don't send it.

I really believe that I want an apology from ToM, but honestly when I sit back and look at it for what it is, I would likely not believe a word he says and would be afraid that it is some sort of lame attempt to reconnect with her.

If she reaches out to you someday then give it to her then. Otherwise let sleeping dogs lay.

I got the apology from WH#2's OW on DDay#1. She was sorry they got involved, it just happened. She had nothing against me and she was sorry if she caused me any pain. That was not her intention. OH REALLY!!! You get involved with a married man, have a LTA, live in my house when I'm not there, go through my things, etc...and you didn't mean to hurt me??? I am glad I spoke to her then or I wouldn't know a lot of what went on during the A, but her apology meant nothing to me. It actually made me angier at her. She has recently tried to break NC again 7months from the last time she tried to contact WH#2. It set us right back to square one. So her sorry was not sincere at all. I am glad that you have remorse for what you did to her, but leave her alone now. Fix yourself and your marriage. It is the AP's job to fix his.

There was a time when an apology from MOW would have been welcomed. It would have helped ME in my healing, since I had a ton of hatred toward her, not just because of her lack of remorse toward me but also toward her BH. I didn't like feeling how I felt toward her (very strong, very negative and toxic feelings), and I believed an apology would help.

Unfortunately, at this point (2.5 years into R) I think it will have lost its meaning. I would like to know, for her BH's sake, if she ever felt remorse and tried to help him, but my feelings toward her are not as strong as they were, and I am perfectly okay with my feelings toward her now. I am not saying I would reject an apology, and it is possible I would still benefit from it, but her ability to impact my healing in any positive, meaningful way is gone.

How well do you know the BS of your AP? I do think this is a difficult question. For the record, my FWH seriously considered apologizing to her BH, but worried that it would re-open wounds, and after I posted a query here on SI, he ultimately decided not to. But the fact that he wanted to reach out and apologize meant something to me.

I still want an apology.

BS here...

I would write it but not send it. I think it's time to let an old wound heal...

I don't know the details of your A, but it might not be a bad idea. If you do it make sure you throw yourself on your sword, taking total responsibility for your actions. Make it heartfelt. Again, it depends on the details of the A. If the other BS insisted on no contact then respect that wish. In that case, write the letter but don't send it. Part of the desire to write this letter is to assuage your own guilt and there is nothing wrong with that, but don't do it at the other BS expense.

Personally, I would not send it.

My guess is that even if the BS is wanting an apology, there is nothing that you can say that will ever be enough.

Respecting NC is your best option, IMO.

fBS here, no stop sign.

I wouldn't send it. As a fBS if I got a letter almost 2 years later, it would piss me off. Here I would be trying to move, then I get a letter?

I say leave her alone.

I wouldn't want to hear from you.

How does your husband feel about it?

BS, 4 years out from the A here.

Write the letter if it makes you feel better, but don't send it.

Reading "I'm sorry if I hurt you" typed or hand written by the OW would only take me back to DDay again.

I would feel much better if she wrote me a letter telling me what a weak person she is, that she is a predator, a hypocrite and a liar, and that she knows she doesn't deserve anyone's respect after what she did. THEN I would believe that she is beginning to "get it."

You may not even realize it, but what you get out of writing to her is probably more for your benefit. It would make you feel better more than it would her. Would not send.

I'm seven years out and I always wanted an apology from the OW, but only if it was truly heartfelt.

If it was just about her, then it would anger me. But if I felt she truly understood the damage and pain she caused and was willing to take full responsibility for it, then it would mean something to me.

I really like what Sharpie said:

That far out, I might be receptive, but I would want the offer to come via the other BS. As in, "My fWW is truly remorseful and wants to extend her sincere apologies to you even though she knows she can never "make up" for what she did. She would also like to offer the opputunity to you to ask her any questions that you have of her. Let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will help arrange it". I think, for me, it would help soften the shock of hearing from the OW and her intentions would be a little less suspect if her BS was involved. If I didn't want to hear from her, I could just say no and she would not have 'touched' me."

She knows you are sorry, and if she wants more info it is being offered and she knows how to get it. I would also add something about your being afraid, as her husband lied so much, that she may still be living with lies and might want to know some truths.

The problem with an apology from one of FWW's OM is that it would be words only, and since dday I am pretty much focused on sustained behavior and actions where infidelity is concerned. I do not know how an apology from one of her OM could be any more than "just words". Just words are not enough to me to justify giving the OM the respect of attention.

The other issue is that I have pretty well achived indifference towards her OM. There was nothing special about any of them other than being available and wanting to have sex with my W after she flirted with them. If it was not them, it would have been others.

I was nothing to OM while each of them was involved with my W, I do not want to be anything more now that they are out of our lives.