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Woke up about 5:30 this morning, and something told me to to check out what H was up to. Caught him watching porn.

He says he's been doing it for two or three weeks now, because things between us were strange and he wasn't happy.

Which explains the pawing at me, and the total lack of emotional connection the past several weeks during sex.

He asked if he just undid seventeen months of hard work on us, and I told him yeah, ya did. Cause is this how round 1 started, with him watching porn while traveling.

I asked him if he's been shopping for my replacement again. He says no. Right now he could tell me that the sky's above us and the ground's below us and I would not believe him.

I can't do this anymore.

Just waiting to see what happens work-wise and hope that it happens soon and hope it's enough money to support myself so I can leave this sham of a marraige and move on.

I don't have any advice except let your anger keep you strong. I'm so sorry.

Edited to add: When my H(FW?) was in the A, he was up all night looking at porn while I was asleep. It stuck in my craw, I KNEW something deeper was wrong.

[This message edited by ineedtoleave at 8:33 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

(((Wwti)))

Porn! Before this A nightmare, I was indifferent. Didn't think it was a big deal. Although, I didn't know that my WH was addicted to it at the time, and hiding it from me.

I just found out two days ago that my WH has been watching porn again, after he said he wouldn't. He said it's because we weren't having sex. I'm having his baby in three days, and he has not been following through with ANY R items, including talking to me. I've also realized that during our HB, he was using me as a hole. I always either felt gross after sex, or felt like I was competing with all of the OWs.

My WH hasn't been pawing at me at all. He says he initiated it, but all I remember is him mentioning sex in relation to inducing labour. That's it.

So, during our conversation, I let him know that I was not into emotionless sex anymore, and did not want to be his masturbation device any longer. After his A and the HB, I'm craving some emotional connection. He said he didn't think our relationship was at the spot where we could have emotionally-connected sex, so we'd have to work on our relationship. Nice.

I asked why he resorted to cheating on me with porn (the top of the slippery slope for him last time), and he said that maybe it gave him some feeling of false-intimacy. WTF?

I see divorce in my future.

I'm sorry you're going through this. What the hell are they thinking?

I have officially pulled on and laced up my bitch boots...

We talked last night. he said 'i know you and i are cross-wise right now.' And I said 'no. You and I are not cross-wise. You and I are done.'

And I let him have it. All the pain, all the anger, every freaking verbal punch I've pulled out of kindness over the last 17 months and one day. He got hit with it ALL. And it crushed him, which quite frankly was the response I had hoped he would have all along; I needed to see his remorse and his realization that this shit is serious, really see it from him... For being such a smart man, he's really dumb and shortsighted sometimes.

The gist of this update is, I am not moving out this weekend. But, I am pretty damn sure he knows to his core now - He's out of mulligans. And he now knows that I can, and will, move forward alone in this world without him without a single look back should he even remotely come close to screwing up again.

He knows these things because he was told flat out. He was also told that just because I opted to stay doesn't mean some magic wand has been waved and it's all Mai-Tai's and Yahtzee again. We and he still have a ton of work to do.

We'll see what happens. I am cautiously optimistic. but also rose-colored-glass free these days.

[This message edited by Wannaworkthruit at 9:49 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

I don't get it! Why would they want porn when they could get the real thing? I asked H last week, he said sometimes. I checked his phone and busted him. What a freaking liar. So, as of Sunday, he's on a no porn diet. It really has spiced up our sex life! I'm his only outlet besides his thoughts and I'm going to keep it like that even if it means buying him one of those old school flip phones with no internet! Ha.

I like you bitch boots, wannaworkthruit!! had me rolling with laughter!

No, but really, I've been considering a sex therapist to figure out what his problem is!

WWTI! You go girl. I'm proud of you! But, keep the boots on a bit longer for good measure. Those boots saved my marriage.

No, but really, I've been considering a sex therapist to figure out what his problem is!

LR, his problem is he's selfish and still not "all in". Borrow those bitch boots tonight and change the course of your life.