SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, i'm sorry you're here. it sux! I know i'm kind of late with a response here, but a couple of things:

another part of me cringes...that this is the guy she picked over me.

Yeah...If it wasn't this douche, it would have been someone else. She didn't pick him over you. She opened herself up for this and it was her choice. It's not about you or him or you versus him. it's about her being broken inside.

Also, as far as calling her 'a cheater' often. I know you're hurting and i used a lot of 'not so nice' terminology with my ww early on, but i'm a bit wiser now.

A good rule to use in choosing your words is this, "Is it true? Is it nice? and Is it necessary?"

For this one:

Is it true? - yeah

Is it nice? - maybe not so much

Is it necessary? - probably not

I learned throwing hurful comments really serves no purpose. it makes her feel bad, and it makes you come across as judgmental. Neither is very constructive.

Also, using humor in this situation is probably not a good idea, either.

Hang in there bro. Lot's of good folks here. peace

Following on what Conflicted1 said.

While it may be accurate, it may not be helpful if your goal is R. When I used the words "cheater" or "adulteress" my wife really bristled and it basically shut down dialogue. Our MC asked that I not use those terms, but rather, if necessary, described the behavior. So, "you cheated" as opposed to "you are a cheater", or "you committed adultery". The MC's point was that while condemning the behavior was appropriate, characterizing/judging/condemning the person may not be helpful. That concept made sense to me and helped keep her off of the defensive, which, in turn, helped our communication.

Thank you I think that will be very helpful, describing the behavior rather than labeling. It will be more like history than a scarlet letter which will still allow me to express how I am feeling without killing the conversation.

Thank all of you so much you are all always so helpful.

My WH & I sat in MC & he stated that he is not a cheater. I said "but you cheated." He said again "But I am not a cheater."

I love him. He is trying. So lately, I have been telling him:"What you did during those months, 2 years ago, does not define you. You are a different person now. I know you are striving to be the person you want to be."

If they have cheated, then they are a cheater. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even if they never drink again.

I've never done it out of anger, never done it to win an argument...but she doesn't like it.

I'm stealing this from another poster but I love it.

Poor muffin.

If they have cheated, then they are a cheater. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic even if they never drink again.

Yes, my exact thoughts. My WH will always be a cheater. Works with alcoholic analogy, but I use the felon analogy. You commit a felony, you are a felon for life.

[This message edited by HeartInADustpan at 10:54 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Wow, I must be a total bitch lol

I have not only called my WS every possible name in the book but screamed it at him during one of our many arguements due to his TT and the "new truths" coming out.

I am trying very hard now to rebuild, heal and move on to R my M, but at 6 months out, the better days come closer together now, but the bad days are just as bad.

Sounds like you are trying to protect your WS, sorry but she is a cheater and the sooner she accepts it and owns the better chances your M has if that is what you want.

You have had the unthinkable happen to you and to be honest, anything you say to her right now she deserves.

People can't treat people they claim to love like this and expect a slap on the wrist, the truth hurts and the truth is ugly.

You try calling yourself "Betrayed." Shift the label onto yourself, see if that makes a difference.

Sometimes I read stuff like this and it makes my head explode. Not having to hear it does not make it go away. It is always going to be there.

At two weeks out, I don't think she has a very good appreciation of what is to come. Cheater is merciful compared to things I have said to my W.

At this point, I would cut yourself some slack. Every BS has said things that have hurt their WS. This stuff is hurtful and it comes with the territory.

numb & dumb said:

Every BS has said things that have hurt their WS.

I'm sure that's true - I know I did. However, if your goal is R, and if you can at least try to control what you say, some circumspection can help to keep dialogue more constructive.

When my x-wife told me she didnt want to lose her family, I told her I didn't care what she did and that she can run to her other man and spread 'em all she likes.