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Raisin' my hand over here! I just heard tonight that it's all my fault...that he wouldn't have done what he did if it weren't for me. I even got the old "if I were with her I wouldn't do these things"....so much for recovery.

It's my fault because I got mad about being cheated on and I was so upset I drove him away and that was why he cheated.

owait.

He wants to get back together now, but I have to calm down cause I drove him from me before with my anger over being cheated on and that is why he cheated.

chicken

egg

ftg

I was more or less told this soon after DDay - or at least that it was a problem with our relationship, rather than her...

Why are you acting like we had such a good relationship? It wasn't perfect! (no shit)

When was the last time you were happy? (ummmm.. about a month before you cheated on me and were still acting normal?)

We're miserable together! (that's because I just found out you cheated on me, dipshit)

I didn't feel like you loved me during your pregnancy.

(multiply that by a million and you may get some idea of how I felt)

You were obsessed with the pregnancy! (no I was excited about it and wanted to talk about it occasionally, and I wasn't in denial)

Your diet was so boring

(trying not to get listeria and not drinking alcohol... yeah stupid pregnancy diet ruined everything)

and many other stupid comments

[This message edited by Nogoingback at 1:05 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Yup, it's all my fault too. 1. Together for 14 years, some of those years were a long distance relationship and he said he couldn't talk to me because I was unaproachable.

2. I didn't understand him.

3. We had nothing in common.

4. He said our wedding day was the last day he was happy with me.

5. Recently said he was living in an abusive household. I guess asking him to help my parents (since we lived in their house rent free) was abusive!

6. He said that he got me pregnant with J as a way to fix our marriage. It amazes me that those words ever came out of his mouth.

My fault because I didn't give our DS a bath every night "forcing" him to do it.

Yeah...

Y'all will most likely come after me with pitchforks and fire when I confess the reason I caused Daffy to cheat with the COW...

After an 18-month search for a house, I said, upon unpacking box number 328, "I am never ever moving again. EVER!" This caused Daffy to feel trapped and to seek greener pastures in the next cubicle.

<insert guilty, ashamed icon here>

Sure it is all my fault. The fact that he has been abso-freaking-lutely miserable for 25 years.

Yep, he had a A...my fault, he lost his job....my fault, he is an alcoholic...my fault.

Every last minute of every last day is all my fault.

that box 328 is a well known cheat instigator.

what. were. you. thinking.

Another one, I forgot. Before I even met XH, I'd been a go-go dancer. He just sat on it, waiting for over 7 years to justify his A.

I get the subliminal messages.

He says it is his fault, but then says if I would have given him more attention, been more loving, and wanted more sex he wouldn't have been forced to have an affair with someone he didn't love. I am still at that, " I think it is my fault, I didn't want to have sex with him. He was a drunken abusive jerk who forced sex on me and I told him once that he should have married a whore because I obviously couldn't satisfy him" I can't seem to let the guilt go that it is my fault.

I want to add:

He says he cheated because of:

*his own insecurities-which are?

*not enough, attention, sex, and love

*I lost weight, therefore I must be having an affair

*He thought that I was going to leave him

*He thought that I outgrew him and he wasn't good enough anymore

*sex is a need and he needed it

*he deserved it

*he already messed up his life, so why not

Bump- so newbies can see the myriad of reasons Waywards use to justify their bad coping mechanisms. It's not your fault that your partner cheated. Stay strong peeps.

He told me I was a bad mom and that's why he wanted a divorce (he denied OW at that time).

In his defense, he actually totally regretted saying that and that it was NOT true at all.

"You're a bad mom" means "I met someone else".

I need to remember that translation for future relationships.

I don't think he ever tried to blame the actual affair on me, but did say that he wasn't happy at the time-and admitted he did very little to change it himself.

So, a mixed bag for me.

Count me in. Two weeks after discovery the remorse ends and she's angry all the time from what *I* did. Sure, I own what I did to my marriage, but I think it's obvious now she's doing this so she doesn't have to focus on the damage she's done. That she stepped out and CHEATED.

It was all because I...

...spent too much time playing games with my friends.

...thought that other people were attractive (celebs, comic book characters (I am a nerd)) so she felt unwanted.

...didn't show love like a normal person.

Yuuuuuup!

Reason #1: "we did a great job isolating me all of these years"

We were grad students. Our job was to be isolated and do our work. I never stopped him from going out. In fact, I thought it was weird he DIDN'T go out for a guys night ever.

Also, we did this year long-distance when he got his new job so he could settle into the position and finish his dissertation in the evenings without the distraction of me and our dog. When he became friends with OW, I never complained. In fact, I used to suggest he call her to carpool to the grocery store on the weekends. I'm such a chump.

#2: "you're the reason my dissertation isn't done"

See long-distance explanation above-- he was *supposed* to do it this year in the evenings after work.

My reply to this was that he had evidently been using his evenings for something else in my absence. That shut him up.

#3: "we're just fiscally incompatible"

We still had separate accounts. We even maintained separate food shopping bills because he was so fussy about his diet. If I "borrowed" money from him (used his card for something), I kept a tab and would "pay him back." We only shared costs on things like the car, which went 50/50.

I paid off my student loans while in grad school. I have two credit card bills that are high but manageable and could be paid off within a few months, if needed.

He has credit card debt in excess of 40k. He has student loans in excess of 100k.

I took a second job to help pay off my credit cards this summer (had to quit because OW worked there). He complained that I was only thinking of myself by trying to pay down my debt and not his.

... oh, and he also said I should have bought fewer dresses for work and used that money to buy a plane ticket to go visit *his* family more often.

I can't even.

Not, because he wasn't actually 'working' anything but his smaller than average weenis around a bunch of losers.

Did we marry the same man??

Yes, all my fault too. I don't understand his emotional needs apparently. I doubt he understands mine either but I haven't felt the need to pimp myself all over the internet.

I'm here too!

I wouldn't get on his motorcycle, because he drives like a rage-filled idiot.

And the big one? He was in a band 30+ years ago. When we were young, and I went to all his shows.

He formed a new band about a year before D Day...and he was hurt and angry that I wouldn't come to his shows and watch him play "Freebird" for the zillionth time. Smoky bars just aren't my thing...and the music is the same from 30 years ago. Yawn.

I supported him playing an having fun. But because I wasn't going to worship the rock god anymore, he went and found a younger woman who would.

Of course its our fault. You don't expect them to act like an adult and take responsibility do you?

If they acted like adults and took responsibility then their cheating never would have happened.

And they may always feel that way deep down. No one wants to be wrong and so they want to lay the blame somewhere else. We made them do it. OP coerced them into doing it. The devil made them do it.

Its easy to site a bad marriage. EVERY marriage has issues. None are perfect. And so its easy to find fault there.

You can argue that if the marriage was bad and that made them cheat. Then why didn't you cheat too? In my case the answer was that I was a worse partner than she was (she was perfect you know) and so she was far more unhappy than I was. And thats why she is the one that cheated.

I don't believe my WW ever really owned up and took responsibility for her own actions. She still believes her LTA was my fault. Shes learnt to keep quiet with this opinion and if pressed will SAY it was her fault. But IMO she really doesn't believe that and is just saying what she needs to say to keep the peace.