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This is going to sound a little jumbled I'm sure. I had a long talk with my wife last night. I thought it was a very open and honest discussion. I say discussion but I was mostly listening. The reason is that I have been the one talking and opening up and expressing my own struggles as it relates to FOO since I started IC. I've said before that my wife has been very generous listening to me. Recently however, I have said to her that it is time she stops helping me so much so she can focus on herself. I've decided that if I need to speak with someone I can go to IC twice a week instead of once. This is hard because I really do like my wife's perspective on things. Again, given that I've been mostly emotionally closed off I guess I really didn't understand that her time and love were always available and I didn't need to be afraid to express myself - be myself.

I've been going to IC and working on myself. I've said many times in this forum that I am making progress. I hit roadblocks and I struggle with many very basic questions concerning myself and life in general. But my issue is that I have not really gotten to the WHY I felt it was okay to have, and continue, my affair. I keep coming back to my FOO issues but that seems like a cop out. I dig so deep sometimes that I feel like sometimes, as I said above, I get caught up in the meaning of life. I've spent my whole life not thinking about it and I'd venture to guess there are many people who don't either. They go along in life without actually living. They don't all cheat of course. My IC says that most couples that are married for 50+ years are unhappy and have not addressed their issues (I'm not giving her statement enough credit here). I guess people become comfortable and don't seek true happiness. There is no catalyst. I don't know. She's not saying that they can't be happy, it's just that basically everyone needs therapy. I tend to agree.

Anyway, while I've been focused on myself, I haven't figured out the WHY and that is what I owe my wife. WHY did I consciously cheat. I can say today that that person slowly but surely is disappearing. He is being replaced by a new version of himself. But that's not good enough right now. I need to focus on myself AND the WHY. I try to look ahead but learn from my past. Any advice on how to get to the WHY is greatly appreciated. I apologize for the ramble but I needed to get some things off my chest.

Hi Needhelp..

This is something I struggled with massively as well - at the time is was my BS demanding why and I was really struggling to give answers.

Maybe you have found your why but are dismissing it as cop out - I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the FOO issues but to explore them further. Its where i've got to in my journey ... I worked out that my relationship with my Dad equalled a lifetime of seeking attention and trying to please men equalled poor boundaries - when coupled with bad time in relationship and someone showing me attention equalled affair!

So, dont be so quick to dismiss it - there may be more to it than you think. Good Luck and good for you and your committment to heal yourself and relationship..

I don't know the secret, except to keep digging. Every day I seem to have a new revelation. Yesterday it occurred to me that in my FOO the wife's opinions didn't really matter--the husband made all the family decisions. And I've unconsciously adopted that model, and resented many decisions BH made without my input. Not his fault! At all! Because I kept my mouth shut every time, and failed to give my opinion because I (stupidly, wrongly) assumed it wasn't relevant or wanted. I'm generally assertive, bordering on obnoxious, except in our marriage. It was a huge lightbulb moment.

Recently however, I have said to her that it is time she stops helping me so much so she can focus on herself.

Does she agree with this? Your intentions may be noble, but are you asking her what she needs...or telling her?

You may just be looking too deep to start off; I used to work in the insurance industry and dealt with 'proximate causes of loss'. You start with the most recent (or in this case, simple) reason, which may be "Because I could" The next step is "Why was that so easy?", which could lead to "Because it made me feel good." Keep digging through the layers till you get to the root cause. Once you get there, you have to figure out what you are going to do so that it doesn't happen again. She doesn't just need to know why; she needs to know how you are going to make her feel safe again.

And I have to echo 20Wrongs; please don't tell your BS what she needs; ASK her what she needs.

This is a process; there are no easy answers.

This is the line that confuses me whenever I see it:

I guess people become comfortable and don't seek true happiness.

What is "true" happiness? Is it the unobtainable goal that we continually strive for? Because if that is your case, that is where I would start.

Nothing is perfect. And there is a big difference between a drive to constantly improve something, versus a drive to fill an emptiness. Acceptance/complacency is not always a bad thing---as a matter of fact, it is necessary to have a good balance in life.

needhelp, these are all really good responses.Nothing to add really, except to echo blackkat regarding not dismissing the FOO issues as a cop-out.

I didn't ever think that I had issues stemming from my FOO. We were normal. It was so easy to look as some others situations and say "dude, that's pretty fucked up there."

As the healing from the A began, things started looking different. I remember referring to is as casting out hooks trying to get something to snag, and that would be my "why" that would answer all the questions. It didn't work. But it did move me toward looking at the FOO stuff. And after a while, even though there was nothing big in my FOO as far as how I thought it compared to others, it was still there, and it was still important for me. So, taking it a step further, I wasn't giving myself permission to have such an "easy" answer because it didn't compare to others. I wasn't able to validate my own feelings. I wasn't able to accept that I deserved to heal from this.

If it is important to you, then it matters.

"Why?" 10 deep and then 10 further is an actual therapy technique.

Sad AZ said it already but it is worth repeating.

Keep digging through the layers till you get to the root cause.

Write your first "Why" answer, then write the answer for "why" the first "Why", then write out the "why" to that answer, etc...

It's a painful process. Don't stop answering until you get to a "why" that has no further "why".

It sounds like an exercise where you give your therapist this look...

(I did.)

And then you do it and you start feeling this...

(I was.)

Finally, you are done and you have this...

(I did.)

Once done, you can start to heal.

(I am.)

Then you can help your spouse heal as well.

Good luck!

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 10:14 AM, May 27th (Monday)]