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Joanh (original poster member #39146) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
I have a delimma, We have this out side sitting area that has a settee bench. I use to sit there with the ap and everytime I look at it it makes me sick! Do I tell my BS that we need to get rid of it. We have only sat on it once this year but it felt so horrible for me. Thank goodness there was someone else there with my BS to listen to. Or do I just keep it to myself and learn to deal with it as another of my consequences? Both BS and WS responses appreciated
BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....
solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 6:36 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
Yes, I would tell your BS. Sharing your triggers really will help rebuild trust--I would have given anything for this kind of honesty.
Together, you can replace the settee with one you can use together, as you build new, happy memories.
This is a really good question. I love that you are so aware of your feelings.
BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams
ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 7:28 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
Does your BS know that AP sat on it with you?
If my WH hid something like this from me I would be both hurt and FURIOUS. Like he's hiding it from me because it's a special memory or something.
If your BS already knows, then is it a trigger for them? I guess not, because then you probably would have gotten rid of it already.....
Anyway, as a BS, I would appreciate my WS sharing such a thing with me - and we would not need to discuss getting rid of it, it would have been gone SO FAST his head would still be spinning.
Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen (in permanent S)
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now
Zayda1 ( member #35387) posted at 9:55 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
Please tell your BS and decide together what to do about it.
I would be upset about something like that being kept from me, but would appreciate the honesty about the trigger.
Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)
Joanh (original poster member #39146) posted at 10:48 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
Thanks for your input. I wasn't sure what it was that was getting me down. But it's right out out front door. I will talk to my H today and be done with it. Thank you
BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....
Kelany ( member #34755) posted at 11:15 PM on Sunday, May 26th, 2013
My FWH is a SA, we do discuss his triggers. To be honest, it helps me a lot. Especially to know his thought process during the A. If he told me a trigger like yours, I'd know he felt remorse.
BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Twitchy ( member #25393) posted at 2:16 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
As for the Settee itself. Make some memories with you and your BS with it. Not to be crude, they don't have to be like that. Just reclaim it as both of yours.
Take a laptop out there and watch his favouirite movie with some wine.
Have kids? Read to them there.
Make a happy family memory involving it and then focus on that when the trigger hits.
Take it back.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:17 AM, May 27th (Monday)]
BH(me)-57, FWW-Past,D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous. D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li
Joanh (original poster member #39146) posted at 11:50 PM on Monday, May 27th, 2013
We are getting rid of it
BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....
Tiredofthepain ( member #37932) posted at 12:29 AM on Tuesday, May 28th, 2013
What I would give to have such honesty!! All great advice here, nothing more for me to add, except your BS is lucky to have such an honest and thoughtful WS.
[This message edited by Tiredofthepain at 6:30 PM, May 27th (Monday)]
ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there
I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.
hatefulnow ( member #35603) posted at 4:10 PM on Wednesday, May 29th, 2013
Can I have it? 
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