I feel very fortunate. Or maybe a better word is blessed.
My H has been wonderful - supportive, remorseful, transparent. He's a different man. For 8 months he has been attentive, communicative, affectionate, appreciative.
There was my resentment - mostly towards the cOW - misdirected at times - but H was owning his shit and refused to deflect the damage onto her.
But still - there was a nagging - I don't know - something. I was close to forgiving, but i was hanging on to the last thread that, in my mind, kept him "indebted" to me for the fouls committed during the A.
I indulged myself - thinking about revenge on OW - imagining how H would have felt if I hadn't agreed to R. It held me back, but I didn't know how to let go.
Last Sunday, a dear friend - a friend who supported me immensely through this mess, lost her young adult son. She dropped me off after an afternoon out, and she found him - he died while asleep.
All the little things I've held onto seem so trivial now. I'm not minimizing the pain the A caused me. I'm not saying the harm wasn't real. But I've been reminded that life is short. You never know when your time comes. And in contrast to my dear friend...my problems - my loss - seems so small.
I fully forgave my H the night the dear boy died. I don't know if I forgive cow - but I haven't thought about her in days (except to notice I don't think about her!) I'm not even feeling vengeful toward her - and I can hold a grudge like no other. I feel healed. I feel like, given the big picture, I can let go of the things that were holding me back.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. Perhaps I'll pick up those resentments where I discarded them. Who knows? Maybe H will do it again. But life is too unpredictable - too meaningful to hold on to anger and hate.
