SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

they would never be a wayward. They would never cross that line. I know I didn't. Till the night that I did, and blew up my life, and Hardlessons. Taught me a whole lot about paying attention to my inner self and what is going on.

Raising hand.

This was me when I was young and stupid: I would never cheat. I would leave before I cheated. Why wouldn't anybody just leave?

I was sooo much better than those people who cheated.

Taught me a whole lot about paying attention to my inner self and what is going on.

Yep.

Word Sista.

Vowed I would neverrrrrr cheat. Cheaters are trash. Cheaters deserve to burn in hell.

Then I cheated. Then I realized the stupidity and arrogance of my prior boastful claims. Kind of that whole, pride forth before a fall bit.

Me too.

BS here. I so love your openness and honesty.

For me though,

Why did you keep going back? (if you did).

I didn't think my BH would find out, it was exciting, it was an escape, it was easier than dealing with my brokenness in healthy ways, I was too afraid to talk to my BH about what I was feeling about our M, it made me feel young and sexy.

I enjoyed the ego strokes.

In the nutshell, all those things.

*raising hand*

Thought I never would, especially since being cheated on hurt. Certainly didn't think I would repeat it in my next relationship either.

For a while I thought - "at least I was never an OW." Like that matters. Unless I'm really a changed person with better values and stronger boundaries and CONSISTENTLY healthy, that could easily have been the next boundary I crossed.

I never thought I would. I wanted the fairytale and cheating would never get my dreams to come true. I never thought I was better then those who cheated I just thought I could never be that. When it happened I realized how broken I had allowed myself to become. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize you've become something you never thought you were capable of.

Honestly, I went back one more time, not because I wanted to be with him,the guy was an ass. But I needed to get something back from him and he wouldn't meet me anywhere. I knew going there would probably entail sex, and looking back I should have just left the thing there. Hardlessons already knew about the first time, in my head our M was over, I had nothing left to lose at that point and my life was over so it didn't matter. I told the guy no a few times and then just gave up and said whatever so I could get my jacket back and leave.

When I look back now I see how very little I thought of myself, and it makes me cringe. I really did not care what anybody did to me. All of my self esteem was wrapped up in my M and that was gone so what was I worth.

That has changed. I changed it. I realize my worth now. I am probably one of the few people here who didn't do what I did for validation, I did it to prove how unworthy I was, and to validate everything single thing I thought about myself. There were no ego strokes.

Since then I have changed all of that. And hardlessons and I are in a place that we never thought we would be in. Solid R.

I had been cheated on, so I couldn't imagine becoming the cheater.

But I also had the flippant attitude that everybody cheats, my parents did, my H's parents did, half the people or more that hit on me when I was single, were married, so I sort of assumed it was accepted behavior and everyone did it at some point.

Why did you keep going back? (if you did).

It was easier to look everywhere else except in the mirror at the real problem.

My marriage wasn't over. It was in terrible dysfunction. And I didn't know how to handle it. I struggled with coping with it and my complete and utter brokenness. So I chose to escape to Stupid Land with the imaginary unicorns and fairies. Where for a short while, I could pretend I was all that and a bag of chips. That there was nothing wrong with me.

Well, I was deluding myself.

I had wayward behaviors since age 17....maybe before.

I always thought "the right guy" would keep me from cheating.

It is a fucking revelation to me that it was ME. Me all along.

So, in retrospect, I am not surprised at all.

So, in retrospect, I am not surprised at all.

That's me. I'm like Mrs. P.

I had no boundaries. No self respect. I didn't give a damn about myself, my soul, my spirit. I was an OW more than once. It was only a matter of time before I would become a WS. I'm not proud of it.

Nope. I knew I would do something, just didn't know what it was.... I had actually started grooming myself (I know sick, right) a few months before....

I think one of the most important things I have learned from all of this is that my wayward behaviors started long before I thought they did(thank you UO).

You see, I always had pretty good boundaries around other men, I didn't need to be validated, I didn't pay attention to them and they really weren't on my radar. I was married. What I didn't realize was all my other wayward behavior.

Like keeping myself apart from my H from day one. Because I couldn't trust him, thank you FOO issues, I kept him at arms length, and this allowed me to pretty much make my own decisions about my life. I never really let him in, in fact I told him repeatedly throughout our M that he should find someone else. Someone more suited to him, because I wasn't it.

See in my head, I wasn't good enough. And if he was trying to love me, well it was because he didn't know the real me, if he knew all the damaged and fucked up parts of me he would run for the hills. So I kept him at a distance. And this slowly created a cycle that would blow our M up.

When we talk on here about the wayward finding their whys, this is what we mean. I have to learn to trust hardlessons, I have to be ok that he loves the real me and that he sees me for who I am and is ok with that person. Not easy, but I am getting there. It involves trust for me. I have never been able to trust another human being in my life due to sever childhood abuse.

Not all affairs are due to validation.

I have learned to go to him with my feelings, to trust that he will listen, and to stop my wayward behavior of keeping him at a distance.

I know that this, combined with me knowing that I am worth it, will keep me from ever being wayward again. My self esteem comes from inside. And I know now I am worthy of being loved.

No I never thought I would be... To my husband that is. It's amazing how blind I was to my past and my "wild oat" sowing days. I was a WS 17-18. OW 18-19.. Faithful to a BF for our nearly 2 yr relationship. OW 20-23... Slept with dozens of people between 20-26 until I settled down with my BH. I was faithful to him from 26-31 until the night I can refer to as the day I drank the Koolaid. I didn't even think I would cheat the night I did. I set out to get drunk with my friend but I didn't even change out of work clothes or put on more make-up. It was just supposed to be a night of drinking and fun but zero thoughts of meeting men.

But if you were to look back at the months leading up the Koolaid night. I was thinking about cheating because I was so miserable in my marriage. The month prior I felt like I was going to head for divorce. Talked about counselling. Never called anyone though. Just tried to party my way to happiness and wait for something to happen I guess.

I felt horrible a few days after I cheated when the high of it wore off. Then I was dysfunctional and upset that I had cheated. Looked up counsellors. Still didn't call anyone. Found a different forum where I was eaten alive and told to confess. I decided not to. The guilt wore off after a while. The desire to cheat again came back.

All hell broke loose. Another bar guy. Then I went crazy and wanted that thrill and signed up for AM. I kept going for more. Met 2 guys. I was wiling to meet more, talk to more. The thrill started taking over my life. Then I finally listened to the little voice that told me to stop. You love your husband. This is going to ruin your life. You want a family with him. Get help now. The rest has been history and leads us to today.

Raises hand....

But:

Old boyfriend + unfinished business x bad marriage = kryptonite.

I didn't think I would. In fact, I was trying to help/save/repair Heart from just having been cheated on in her previous marriage.

I chose not to talk to her, I chose not to adhere to personal boundaries, and I chose to seek attention elsewhere to satisfy my Narcissistic needs when she refused to play my pity party games.

Everything that Authenticnow said....sounds just like me. My H and I had even discussed the whole "I'll leave you before I have an affair" before we got married. And I honestly believed that I never would. I learned the true meaning of "never say never".

Less than two months before my WW started her A, she helped a friend move because this friend had found the love of her life and left her husband. My WW came home and said she couldn't imagine ever putting her family through that.

ETA: Typos

That made me very angry for months. Now I enjoy comforting her as we rebuild.

[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 6:42 PM, May 31st (Friday)]