Thursday Morning update-
Thanks for posting the information about the 180. I am going to do some more reading about it today. Anyways on to the latest update.
Yesterday, I was able to make an appointment with a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She has a Masters in marriage and couples therapy and has a great deal of experience dealing with EMA and possible divorce. After meeting with her and giving her the same rundown that I gave all of you in my first post she started asking me some questions about our previous CT that we attended after the EMA was discovered 3 years ago. It was her professional opinion that the person we were seeing did not know how to specifically handle As because she said I never heard the tools to forgive my wife for what happened and how to cope and deal with my insecurities and how to properly setup boundaries which she told me I never fully established properly with my WW. She basically hit me over the head with a brick but I was stunned to hear this. She felt that I simply was reading way too much into this relationship with K and blowing things way out the proportion and even been destructive with my thoughts and actions. She did say she can help me and that there would be a lot of work involved but she said she may even be able to save the marriage but if not she would continue to work with me to fix these issues so that I am a stronger and more confident person moving forward in my life with or without this marriage. She asked me to talk to my WW wife either last night or today and ask her to give me more time to work on myself. She told me to point out the positive changes I have made over the past 3 years and to assure my wife I was capable of making changes as evident by the ones I have already made. She asked me to ask her for more time and if she said No to be prepared to cry and to be hurt but then realize it is time to move on. If she said yes or I don't know that she asked me to ask for 3 months.
So after leaving therapy last night I meet up with some friends and I went to watch their daughters softball game which helped a lot to keep my mind off things. Once the game ended I drove home and let the dogs out and feed them dinner and then made myself something to eat. My WW was not home at this point nor did I know if she was coming home. She previously made plans last night a few weeks back to meet up with an out-of-state friend for dinner. I wasn't sure she was going to stay at the hotel with her friend or possibly stay at her mom's condo. Anyways, per the therapist "take home" work I was to contact my WW and ask to talk and see if she would be willing to give me more time.
I texted her and said I know you are out with your friend right now but I would like the opportunity to talk to you tonight. She responded about 45 minutes later saying she was just finishing up dinner with her friend and would be going back home for the night and would call me on her way home. She did call me and let her know I had gone to see a therapist today and let her know that she opened my eyes to sometimes I wasn't previously aware of such as me thinking I forgave you for the EMA when in reality I never did because our previous therapy sessions never told me how to properly do that and that is a major part of why I have been still holding on this for the past 3 years. I asked her to see the changes I have made for myself and our marriage over this time and to use that as proof I can make changes for the positive. I asked her to give me more time to work with this new therapist and see if I can make more changes in order to help myself and help repair our M. She said she didn't know so I asked if she would give me the 3 months as suggested by the therapist. She agreed but the also told me not to except her to just pretend like all this turmoil we have been experiencing hasn't occurred and things will just suddenly go back to "normal". I agreed and was exactly a bit surprised she agreed to give me more time. She was happy about me going to IC and thought that is sounded like this therapist would be able to help me better than before. She did also mention that the past 2 days of her not having to "check-in" with me constantly felt great to her. Because of my constant insecurities she felt to reassure me she would constantly "check-in" with me with IMs, texts, or calls. (i.e. text me when she was leaving work, text me when she got to where she was going, text me when she left where she was, call me when was on her way home.) I mean that type of communication is normal but she said I required to an excessive amount and it bothered her but she never spoke up about because she new it helped appease my insecurities. I was a little dejected by this comment but at the same time I understand how frustrating that could be if she required the same of me.
From there the conversation shifted to the problems she has been having with her car as of late. The check engine light came on in her car last Friday afternoon while driving home from work. Over the weekend were busy but we managed to take it to one place on Sunday afternoon and they checked it out and said they didn't see anything wrong. Unfortunately this shop was more of an oil change, tire, battery, brakes kind of place so we didn't know how well trained they were to look at engine problems. Anyways we agree based on our schedules for the week that Thursday we would drop her car off at the dealer and then she would drop me off at work and then take my car to drive herself to work. Once everything exploded on Tuesday morning I told her I was wanted to attend a CoDa support meeting on Thursday night to see what it was all about. Anyways, getting back to the conversation from last night she tells me that K is going to meet her at the dealership this morning and then they will drive to work together since he lives about 5 mins away from the dealership and they are both going to the same office. In her words, so I can then go to my support group meeting tonight instead of having to miss it because of not having a car. I didn't say anything about it at all except "Ok". I didn't really know what to think other than this seemed like an excuse to spend more time with K.
When she arrived home we talked a little more and she told me she thought it was great that I went to talk to somebody. We then before agreed we were tired and went upstairs to bed. She has slept in our bed the past 2 nights but we have not really touched other than the one kiss/hug yesterday morning. I thanked her listening to me and for agreeing to give me more time. She told me I was her best friend and she just wants to see me be happy regardless if that means being together or being apart. That made me feel good in the way I felt like she hasn't completely given up hope for us yet. I also told her I would assist her to find a therapist for herself if liked by showing her which ones were approved for our medical insurance. She did agree that was a good idea. I did ask her way she wanted IC as opposed to CT and she said she is too angry and hurt right now and it would be counter-productive to attend CT. She feels like IC would be the best route for now to work on her issues and then if things progress for both us than maybe we can look in CT. The last thing I asked her was if she was still planning on going on vacation with me at the end of the month. My family rents a cabin on a lake for a week each year and her and I have been going there for the past 10 years or so since we started dating. She told she has been going back and forth about it and she doesn't know at this time. I then asked if she is giving me more time wouldn't going with me be part of that and her response was "we'll see".
My thing is my parents are the ones that rent this place and they are going to find it extremely odd that my wife has pulled out of going on this trip 2.5 weeks ahead of time when she has been talking about going the past few times we have seen my parents. Obviously if she chooses not to go then something will need to be said to my parents. Do I lie and say she has to work? Do I tell them a half truth and say that we have been have some issues with the marriage and we agreed it would be better if we stayed apart that week? I just feel we are quickly approaching a critical point where people outside of just me and her and our therapists know what is going on and how we handle those conversations.
This morning we didn't really speak except for some normal chit-chat. I told her to remind the dealer about a few other small issues with the car. She got up showered, dressed and was out the door by 6:40am to meet K at the dealer by 7am because K starts work and 1.5 before my W does so she needed the drop the car off and catch a ride with him so he can still get to the office on time. She let me know she was leaving for the day and I asked her what her plans were for the evening and if she cared to join me to watch the Blackhawks playoff game with me tonight and she agreed before she walked out the door. No kiss or hug today.
Anyways, I am very conflicted because the therapist basically told me the complete opposite of what I have been reading here so far and she kind of agreed with my W in saying that I was overly reading into things and hugely overreacting to my insecurities. I am a huge mess right now and I find it hard to keep you the confidence and stay strong.
Based on the quick read through I did on the 180. I have a few questions....
#11 Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
What are some suggestions for this step? I am not a very social person and as I mention money is an issue so I can't exactly go out and spend money to keep me busy. most days I get home from work by 5pm. On MWF I workout at home after work and TTh I got to the gym for swim classes that I take. I have continued to go to my classes but other than that I usually come home, make dinner, and watch TV. The friends we have are all couples and most have kids so doing stuff with them during the week is difficult and in a way I feel like they can read through me right now and tell something is wrong and want to ask questions I am not prepared to answer.
#13 I guess is also similar in terms of doing things. I don't have many hobbies and again money is a factor. I mean one of my hobbies is video games but I feel like that is sitting around and probably not a good solution. I think going to IC and possibly a support meeting are good things for now to keep my busy. Any suggestions are welcome.
I apologize for another lengthy post but I feel this has been a good outlet for me thus far. I will continue to post on here and let everyone know how things are going regardless if they are positive or negative. I appreciate all the comments, concerns, and suggestions. I know I will get through this and I will be stronger on the other side. I just to remind myself to keep smiling and moving my feet.