This sucks to admit, but I am having withdrawals. It's been one month since I ended the affair and I still work with my AP and see him three days a week whether I want to or not.
So, something that happened last week that "triggered" me to start missing my AP... I thought I could handle it and knew that I was suffering withdrawals but didnt want to admit it to my BBF if I could avoid it. I already felt like I was sneaking around again by hiding these feelings, but I didn't want to upset my BBF and thought I could internally deal with it. Plus I was sort of guiltily enjoying those daydreamy whatever feelings... Yes I know this is going to make people want to vomit reading this but I have to admit to it so I can actually get past it!!!...ARGH!!!!!
Anyway.. So, after my first trigger, i had a second trigger the next day. This was getting too much to bear and i could feel that i was more and more wanting to contact my AP even if it was just a teensy weensy contact... it would be ok, right... right?!?! yes, these were my stupid thoughts.
I have a pretty long commute and a lot of time to think about things. During my commute I had pretty much managed to both talk myself IN and OUT of talking with my AP about these two things that had triggered me.
At the start of the work day, I had been miserable and crying during my drive, but suddenly I was in the best mood ever because I was convinced I was going to talk with my AP even though I knew this to be a horrible idea. That morning, for the first time in a month, I made eye contact with him and was receptive to his jokes and dialogue. We ended up having to work directly next to each other for about ten minutes when he mentioned the thing that had triggered me the day before and I alluded that I had a story to tell him. He was eager to hear this story and I was feeling horribly guilty but was still convinced it would be ok, and I could talk with him...etcetc. Part of me knew this was very bad and after this ten minute contact session I began to rethink my next move...
I managed to exit the situation without actually telling him the trigger stories. I left for an early lunch and was still considering asking him to lunch and talking to him at lunch, believe it or not. Thankfully, I made a different decision.
Instead, I took an early lunch before things got much worse. I went into my email where I had saved two particularly vicious texting rampages from him from December and January. I saved them at the time because, well, honestly no one had ever talked to me the way he did and I was shocked and wanted to keep the texts on record for such an occasion as well, yesterday! A time when I was feeling weak and wanted to see him but knew it was wrong. So glad I saved those texts!!!!!!!!! I hadn't read them since I originally saved them, to be honest. When I read the first line which said "You are a bitch and a fucking waste." I was cured of my withdrawals for the time being.
Underneath the two texting rampages I had saved, was an instant messenger conversation I had saved from my BBF from 2005. I started reading that too, just to see what it was and that also helped cure me from my crazy withdrawals because he was being so sweet and loving and not crazy at all like my AP. Ughhhhh!!!!!
Anyway, after this episode I knew I could not continue this AP flirtation and immediately went out to call my BBF to hear his voice. I wasn't going to tell him about what was going on but he dragged it out of me by questioning me. I admitted to the withdrawals and it was horrible. He was upset that I kept these feelings from him for two days and that I should have admitted to it and posted here for support. So here I am now!! A little late, but I need to get this off my chest now.
The rest of the story is that, I gave my AP the cold shoulder all afternoon and actually he walked past my car while I was on the phone with my BBF and I slammed the car door so he would get the picture that the flirtation was not going to continue. He didnt try to talk to me that afternoon.
So, my BBF was upset with me and I was trying to contact him after I got off work. I had worked late and I knew he was going to be suspicious as to why I was home late from work. I got really nervous because he was not picking up the phone. I kept calling and calling and getting more nervous and freaked out that I had really ruined everything again by having these withdrawals and not admitting to it and then, even worse actually contacting my AP and considering contacting him for two three days without saying anything. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! It turned out he had been out walking to clear his head and didnt want to talk on the phone with me, but wait until he saw me in person. Whew. I was almost sure he had packed his bags and left.
Anyway. I had to come here to own up to my own stupidity and hopefully get a 2x4 to the face so that I can get through this withdrawal stage faster.
Yes I know I need a new job and that became even MORE apparent yesterday. Need to make serious steps to making that happen because this is not a good situation at all.
