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while yelling and screaming at him for screwing around on our 17th anni , he said and I quote it was all a lie I told you I had an affair so I wouldn't have to tell you the truth about what was really going on. I just wanted you to hurt too .he is full time army and has been too Iraq twice, and was thinking about suicide. thought if I hated him for the affair it wouldn't hurt so bad. I think he had the affair and now thinks if he tells me this bullshit I will forget it and things will be better.what he dosent get is that he let me suffer for months thinking he screwed another woman.now I really don't know what to believe. help

Honey, he's got issues. NOBODY lies about having an affair. I think you need to advise his commander about his suicide threat. You can't save him, but do report this, please!

I call bullshit on the affair never happening.

But really, let's "pretend" it was a lie, then manipulating and playing games with you like that is just as bad.

RUN! This guy is NOT healthy..

I agree he has some serious issues that need to be addressed. It sounds like he may have PTSD and he needs to seek help immediately if he is contemplating suicide.

(((HUGS)))

As a person who has lived through all the lies that you desperately want to cling to, I believe there are two things happening here.

1. Your husband had an affair and is now trying to make you feel bad in order for his guilt to not be so bad.

2 Your husband is in need of some counseling and needs his wife to help him through this dark period in his life.

I'm not saying that making you suffer for months was right, but he may not be alright and need professional help.

I tend to think it is the first because I've been there, seen the lies first hand, and eventually decided to leave the relationship and move on. It's painful for sure, but in the end it is worth it. Sending a hug your way for what it's worth.

My husband pulled this about one of the very early OWs.

Now I do believe he had sex with that woman. I think I probably did, all along, but denied it. I didn't have the context in which to frame the information.

I wish I'd paid attention then. My life would be very different now.

BTDT.

Was also told I was hallucinating or dreaming when I saw them kissing in the living room.

I had been hearing "We're just friends!" "But what about the kids?" (They played together-neighbors)

Yeah right. I always slobber all over my friends when you're asleep.

This is straight up bullshit.

My WH also says the his affair never happened sometimes. He can't even remember what he told me about it and what he didn't. Sometimes he will say "I told you that?" and totally not deny it. Others, he will say "C'mon Jose we didn't really have a relationship." WTF.

So in the face of challenge they will lie. I don't know if this is your husbands case, but he wouldn't be the first to try and take the easy road.

((worthless1)) By the way, you're not worthless.

Whichever of his stories is true (and both of them might be, to some extent), he needs counseling and he needs it now. It isn't rational thinking either way he goes with this. You have to take the suicide story seriously - better safe than sorry. If that turns out to be bogus, then you can decide what to do with the infidelity. I would be inclined to think the affair was a way to deal with other feelings he isn't coping with (suicide thoughts could be one). He needs help. You have to decide if you want to hang around and deal with whatever the hell is going on with him. One day at a time - you don't have to decide every little thing today.

thanks everyone for the advice! I have tried for months to get him to go for help so far no go. iam scared to leave him and scared to stay. he is out of the house temp on army business. hoping when he gets back I can talk him into getting some help. he really is a good man and I do love him but wtf do I do

His saying he is thinking about suicide in any real way for this long - is basically holding you emotionally hostage.

My advice FWIW- you need to take his suicide talk (really a threat) seriously- i.e. notify authorites. In my city at least, they would take him into a local psychiatric ward for 48 hours.

If he needs help- if its real- he'll get help. If not he'll probably be a little more careful about throwing the threat around.

By the way- I take suicide seriously- dont get me wrong. My father & grandfather committed suicide. But thats exactly why either way - he neds to know you take it seriously.