so our wedding anniversary passed and it was a blowout kind of day. w was mad all day and even though its almost two years later, went on about going back to ap, why did i stay. im lying to her and think shes a fool, the same stuff we went through last summer. makes some sense since the summer was the height of the affair two years ago.
she has continued to distance herself from me, as she says she has so much anger and resentment towards me not just for my a but my blatant disregard for her, the marraige and so on. (all of this is in previous posts).
when asked why i still was with ap as she was finding out, and why didnt i just end it i explained to her my rationale at the time. which of course now looking back is total bull sh*t. but through out the entirety of the affair i beleived it was ok. that i beleived i woudl never get caught, and this somehow i deserved to have the a. i compromised my marraige and looked for a reason to have the a. so i picked apart every little thing my w did. as the a got longer (went on for 6 months), i became more arrogant. i had no true feelings for ap (wife does not think so), and ultimately my selfishness and inability to see my world crumbling around me led to this point. i have explained this over and over to her. my wife has a very singular vision of things. how she sees things is it. no if ands or butts.
i do not know how to over come these feelings. i go through the story with her exactly the same way every time. she gets angry. and things escalate.
so a week or so later, and things are calm. we joke around, although there is some tension. she wont go near me physically or show any affection towards me. i accept it, and am doing what i need to do to work through this. i am being consistent with what i am doing to show her i am all in, even if she isnt.
i have asked many times before when now will matter more than then, and i understand it takes time to process things.
i am just hoping by giving her space again, and yet still being there for her i can get through to her.
the reality is, i am worried that she will give up. she says she has, but has not, and i know this. i have asked very little of her in the last two years, and have truly done everything i can to get through all of this, even navigating my own emotions regarding her a's.
im just looking for something positive here, as i feel lost and quite honestly alone right now.
