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I think mpb1974 is in the anger stage. It's incredibly painful to see him so mad, but it's also painful when he lashes out at me. I feel like I deserve it because of the horrendous things I've done. It doesn't help that I still haven't figured out my whys - I've definitely come up with reasons, and I need to dig deeper within these reasons, but they are unacceptable to him because they don't address how I could have hurt an innocent person in the AP's BS. If you've read my posts, you know I developed (what I thought to be) a friendship with her and introduced my BS to her and him. Any advice for dealing with the anger stage (without putting up walls or running away) and how to dig deeper for reasons?

Coming from a very angered BW - you can't fix this. It's a stage. Please look up,the 5 stages of grief for infidelity.

My recommendation is to say "I am sorry my choices put you and us here - if I could change it I would"

Apologize for hurting him.

Just simply say you are sorry for causing his hurt and anger and that you love him.

There is nothing rational about anger but it is a HUGE part of his healing process.

He has to get through it.

Don't shut down but don't overcompensate either. Sorry that's not much of an answer but it is truly a fine line.

Please let him get the anger out if not it will rear it's ugly head down the line.

Stand by and be there

ANGER: Anger may be directed at ourselves; others (including family members, spouse, the person who cheated; God; or we may experience a general irritability.

We may feel angry towards people who push us to accept our loss and betrayl too soon, or who pretend that nothing happened.

Anger is normal. Pushing down anger is harmful and may cause things like ulcers, high blood pressure, or depression.

Unacknowledged anger may be directed at innocent people and unrelated events. It will come out one way or another. It is often difficult to admit being angry.

Erroneously we may think, “nice people don’t get angry.” It is important to recognize our anger. It is helpful to find ways to express our anger, such as screaming in a private or exercise.

Urge your husband to talk about his anger (IC or friend if he can't with you) Talking about it will help define, understand, and learn how to handle it.

To suppress anger can lead to deeper than normal depression and bitterness.

It is important to acknowledge our anger and to take steps to handle it. Is he in IC?

To quote another post

I'll just add one thing: If you love your spouse, don't fear the anger. Anger is often rooted in fear, in this case fear of losing something.

Where you should pay very close attention, and I speak from my own experiences, is when she shows signs of indifference. This means she is detaching to protect herself. Then it'll definitely be a different ball game.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:26 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

REPOST FROM MOREWORLD

Thought this was a great repsonse for you to consider.

I can only tell you what I wished my FWW had done when I was there. And later, what I tried to do when I'd put the shoe on the other foot.

Don't ever say "I said I was sorry." Just say "I'm sorry" again.

Don't ever say, "Why are you asking?" or "I already told you.", just answer the question.

If she wants you to stay, stay in the room even if you don't say a word.

If she wants you to leave, leave the room, or the house. Don't say a word.

Practice small kindnesses: bring food, liquids, flowers, and chocolate.

Hold her if she wants to be held, don't touch her at all if she doesn't want to be touched.

If she yells, don't yell back.

Don't ever, ever, ever say, "Aren't you over this yet?"

I hope you get the picture. This is her healing, "she controls the vertical, she controls the horizontal".

You, the humble servant.

This is something you're going to have to ride out, with humility. My anger phase scared everyone around us, even me, but my wife rode it out. Looking back I don't know how she did it without a nervous breakdown or an attempted homicide charge, but she managed. I underestimated her ability to endure and my capacity to forgive. I'm not completely healed yet, neither is she, but we're on our way. Give yourself and your husband time. Good luck!

Currently, I am an extremely angry BH, and it is the most frightening thing. Even I am surprised at my behavior and the things that have come out of my mouth. The best thing my FWW has done throughout this anger phase has been to just quietly listen to me, not argue back, and to look me in the eyes and tell me how sorry she is. Sorry she did this to us and our family. I am so glad she has taken to reacting in this manner. At least for me, any other response would just anger me further.

Thanks for your input everyone. I do the best I can to help my BH feel okay.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 8:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I was pretty angry for some time. There were few filters when we had "discussions" and some of what I said was probably painful. It's been 2yrs. I'm not angry now. But I know the anger is not too far from the surface. Good luck. You have chosen a difficult path.

1Faith quoted it best. I couldn't have put it better. The anger "phase" seems to come and go in our situation but you just keep working through it together. Yes, it hurts when those hurtful things are said to you. But it compares not to the things that we, as a WS have put them through.