SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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Thank you all for the replies. Many people suggested using a VAR. But nobody really addressed the moral and legal implications of doing that.

Is it legal? The morality is a tougher one, as it's not black and white. But I would like to hear your opinions.

abbey

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Trust your instincts and check this out. I wish I had.

Love this and ITA! Please look into this-- may all be for nothing, but instincts and gut feelings are often correct!

Idk about the answer to your question. Id do it myself and say hell to consequences, but consult someone with legal experience and I'm sure they'll tell you what's good and what's not.

Morally, I think if he's doing wrong he doesn't have a leg to stand on, but if it IS innocent, you will feel guilty for snooping, no mistake.

I still think you should consider it, though.

[This message edited by frankiebaby at 2:06 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Legally - that is state to state, I think. Morally...? Guess only you can answer that.

I can tell you this: He is doing nothing wrong! It is not illegal for him to break his vow. It is not illegal for him to cheat. It is not illegal for him to give you an STD or to have a child with someone else while married to you. And in most states none of the above is considered immoral either.

The courts in most states now) therefore, offers a BS no protection, nor any compensation should any of the above occur - it does not punish the WS in anyway. Marriage is not protected as it once was.

Example: My WH and I both signed an agreement after Dday to a division of assets and support - should we D. This was his way of assuring me I would not be screwed over as I considered R. This contract as it turns out had no legal standing.

Now when a contract is broken by say - a roofing contractor - the homeowner has recourse in court. Not so with a contract between spouses! Which still amazes me because the vow of "forsaking all others" -- was a verbal contract with how many witnesses...? 100 or more? It doesn't matter - The court does not care.

Now you can follow him, hire a PI, sit outside his office and listen with a glass up to the door... Nothing illegal there. Immoral...? Again only you can determine that. Will those methods work... maybe.

Question: If you found out that you H was afraid you were cheating and lying about it, so he was recording your conversations - would you consider it immoral? I wouldn't have. I'd have found it weird and a tad creepy perhaps, but not immoral. I'd be more concerned that he was that worried about my fidelity.

These are my thoughts on it.

If you found out that you H was afraid you were cheating and lying about it, so he was recording your conversations - would you consider it immoral? I wouldn't have. I'd have found it weird and a tad creepy perhaps, but not immoral. I'd be more concerned that he was that worried about my fidelity.

^^^^^this

abbeyunsure, if you are uncomfortable with a VAR, then there are other options. You could go stand outside his office door and listen to his conversations. You could check the phone bill to see what numbers he is calling late at night, do a reverse look up and see if they are clients. You can also simply walk in to his office unannounced when he is working late.

Do I think the VAR is immoral? No. I think it is protecting yourself. It is your home.

It seems a little odd that you are tied up over the morality of a VAR when what you are discussing is the possible cheating of your husband. Are you simply afraid of what you may find and are thus looking for an excuse not to look?

You need to do something Abbeyunsure. You need to either prove to yourself your husband is faithful or you need to prove to yourself he is not. But doing nothing and ruminating over whether he is faithful or not will destroy you and your marriage. It is not a healthy way to live. It is certainly not fair to your husband if he is being faithful to you.

So if the VAR is too distasteful for you, don't use it. But I think you need to decide WHAT you plan to do to resolve your doubts.

I sincerely hope you find out that your husband is being completely faithful.