Your pain is coming through so clear in that email that it makes me want to cry. I could have written the same email. It is amazing how universal the pain is and how alike we are when this happens to us. The circumstances can vary widely, but the results are the same.
This is all new to you and those feeling you have of him not wanting you, being unsure of yourself, unsure of how he feels, etc., are exactly what you should be feeling at this point, and it is exausting.
If your husband is done with the affair, really done, is truly remorseful, you can get through this. It just takes time and hard work.
Nothing on your profile, so this may be redundant. Get a counsellor that you like and trust. We have an MC, but we also go to her by ourselves sometimes, and then together sometimes.
It has been two and a half years since DDay and things are SO much better now. Better even than they were prior to the affair, lots better.
We had been married 33 years when my husbands affair started and it lasted seven years. It has been hell, but so much better now. Just saying that to give you hope. I know that at times it just not seem possible to accept the ugly fact of the affair. You want it to not be true.
It is miserable, but you have found a great place to vent and get advice. Read from the healing library, get some good books, and take care of yourself. Love, K
