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I want to fix things so there is no more pain for anyone.

As if this pain he caused can go on and off like a light switch??

Kick this ass to the curb....

12 OW...not a mistake and oh my gosh how did I let myself do this Im so sorry Im honestly going to change myself and please give me a chance. This is ...damnit woman after 14 years you are screwing everything up by not letting me cake-eat YOUR life away.

NO NO...run. Maybe if you are super forgiving and he starts IC and you see a complete change in him, but yeah...this isnt a short term of stupidity...this is him.

Remember as you make the best choice for you (if you are happy your kids will ultimately benefit even though the D is always tough for everyone), HE made these decisions for 14 years, these are his consequences...YOU are not chosing devestation, you are choosing to stop being devestated so you can have a happy life.

HUGS

Thank you all for replying. It is very hard to let go and also very hard to deflect all of his guilt trips. He thinks that he is changed since he quit drinking and that drinking didn't allow him to have guilt or realize how he hurt others. I also have a hard time believing that this is really the guy I was married to. How dissappointing

I am sorry for everything. Even though I think your decision is wrong and very selfish I will respect it. It was wrong and selfish decisions of mine that got us here. I will forever regret those. You think I cheated you out of your life and yet you are cheating me out of my life plus the ones I love. I feel I no longer have a purpose in life. An opportunity to show you how much love I have for you is all I have asked for. I don't understand why that is asking so much. I never saw how negative my actions would affect others. I hope that you look at that and reconsider your decision that will devastate all of us. I love you and only you. Please have a heart and let us live.

Holy crap?! Did I miss the gaslighting memo or what?

Is it "self intitled assclown wants to make their BS feel like its all their fault day while they continue to ride the sparkle farting unicorn with mrs. glitterpuss" day?

I would break this text down for you but that would be to redundant.

He's not sorry, he's making this your fault and i am sorry he's being such a sissy ass. FTG is right.

Confused165--I really love this "You gave him the opportunity to show you how much he loved you when you married him."

I need to remember that!

My thoughts are similar to everyone else's - D this guy, unless you want an philanderer for an H. There is nothing you will be able to do to make him want to be monogamous.

If your conclusion is different, please give us your thoughts.

I second everything that alphakatt wrote. All of it.

Your WH's texts are the EXACT types of words that I used to, and still do actually, get from Sultan (my stbx). And it's ALL bullshit.

Here's a mantra for ya: Your actions, WH, ended the marriage. *I'm* just giving it a proper burial.

Just say that in your mind because he'll just argue with you if you say it to his face.

My manager's exH could have written this word for word.

If we divorce it will cause tremendous pain just as bad or worse than I caused. I want to fix things so there is no more pain for anyone. You are acting out of anger and negative emotions. Two wrongs don't make a right. Let us correct our marriage instead of throwing it away.

She used to show me some of his emails and they were so similar to this. Basically, he talked down to her, fooled around behind her back, and when she'd threaten to leave - he'd send her this kind of condescending crap. And she's second-guess herself and think she was being the selfish, thoughtless one! Oh it made me so mad...

That was over 3 years ago. She finally ignored those pleas and threats that divorce would ruin everyone, and left his ass. And she's never been happier. Her kids are great, she's engaged to a sweet guy that adores her, and her ex is miserable and is STILL trying to woo her back.

I'm not saying that's how will work, or should work. But he doesn't sound like he has a shred of remorse. Just a fear of abandonment.

DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

He threw away the M. You're simply taking the trash to the curb.

Don't let him guilt trip you. He has brought this into your M, your family. He has risked you through potential STDs, OW that might go Fatal Attraction and more. He's shown your children that a man doesn't honor his vows or treat his wife with respect.

This is him and you have held on much longer than you probably should have.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 4:11 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]

Wow, he's a real piece of work! It must be really hard to let go, but you're doing the right thing. If there's any selfishness in your behaviour, it's that you're finally looking after yourself - and that's self care, the GOOD kind of selfishness. You are showing your children that you will not continue to be disrespected.

Slight t/j, but here is part of a letter from my H, if you want to compare. It is truly remorseful. And he has stayed true to his words and has changed.

"... I have failed you as a friend, lover and husband. I have not only let you down but hurt you in a way that I find difficult to comprehend. My life suddenly seems in focus and I hate what I see, the abominable things that I have done, the deceit, the lies.

The last five weeks have been the hardest of my life too. Seeing you in so much pain, and knowing that I was responsible for the damage to our relationship, to my best friend, was too much to bear. The numbness was a defence mechanism to get through that early part, I think. The enduring feelings were those of grief, loss, loneliness and immense shame. I am ashamed that it has taken this crisis for me to face up to the reality of what I have done and what I have become. I am deeply ashamed of everything I have done. I have acted like an animal with no sort of human decency, respect or dignity. I have not treated you with respect. I have not been a faithful, loving husband. I have not attended to you. I have professed love and care for you, and truly meant it, but I have not shown it. These last five weeks I have had to face up to all of that and it has not been easy. I have not been a good person, despite what i've tried to tell myself and you."

Dear Broken:

Can you see the extraordinary contrast in the letter Grapefruit shared? Incidentally, there were a number of personal pronouns there as well, but they were references that a broken man makes to himself in true regret. I see none of that in the letter you shared. Please understand that this does not mean there is no hope for your marriage. It might survive, but not with this man. Can he become another man? Perhaps, but it doesn't seem likely. Actually, he needs to become a man, period. Incidentally, I'm very sorry that you find yourself here