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Initially, when I was still all befogged, I blamed main OW. However, as my head emerged from deep within my ass, I've come to realize it's XH who is the real target of my ire.

I hate OW for the things she suggested XH do to fuck me over. Know him well enough to know which ones were his ideas, and which where OW's. The fact that this disgusting dirty pig willingly set out to destroy not only my M, but me, personally, is quite an affront.

XH not only invited this thing into our life, didn't protect me from it, he actively plotted w/it to hurt me. That's all him.

Slattern OW has been waiting on XH to get D'd for 4 years. That tells me everything I need to know about it. XH was solely trying to maximize his bet, i.e., keep me on deck as his soft landing w/o making any solid commitment either way.

That thing, it's damaged, deluded and stupid. Him, he knew what he was doing. Any extra advice, he got from the slunt.

In my case I blame wh more, but I do have anger toward ow because she did the pursuing. I can tell by the phone records that he is telling the truth. She knew he was married with a child and a pregnant wife and she started texting him, and complimenting him, and begging him to meet her. It's no excuse but wh was very depressed, and instead of turning her away he took the ego boost. So, I hate them both for ruining me, but not equally.

Stronger08, I don't know your full story, but some WS are forgivable and others may not be, depending on individual situations.

When you get to the point of really putting blame where it belongs (On the WS) you also have to admit that your choices in life were wrong. That you M a defective person. Like it or not your spouse is a reflection of yourself. Easier to throw the shit at another person than to admit that your wonderful WH is a fuck up. JMHO

I disagree that a BS has to permanently look at FWS as horrible person, and the OP as just some incidental thing that happened to be in the mix, with their manipulations and evil actions meaning nothing, and we are not even supposed to objectively look at the fact that person might be a piece of shit who also betrayed us, at least in the sense humans owe each other some sort of decency and respect even if they didn't make "vows" to respect someone else's M.

And I must repeat, I don't think ANY of us consider the WS's actions "wonderful" while everything is the fault of the OP. I never see anybody even claim that, but it seems those on the side of not blaming the OPs often seem to infer that we don't also blame our own WS for what happened.

Bobbi, I was simply trying to answer the question at hand, as to why we blame the OP. And my point was that its easier to look at the OP as the fault in it all. Bottom line is that your WS was/is M to you. Not the OP. Trust me I hate the OM's involved in my situation. But no one held a gun to my XWW head and forced her into the affairs. And is anyone was accountable to me it was her. Not the OM. Again just my opinion.

Stronger, I do respect your opinion. What prompted my response is that in your post and posts of others, it still seems to come off as the BS initially blames it all on the OP, and none on the WS.

It is my opinion, that the BS are not blaming the OP because it is "easier" than to blame their own spouse. They are blaming both, though a particular vent may be more about the OP.

You say at first we blame the OP, then at some point place the blame "where it belongs" on our WS.

Well that does not fit my profile at all. My anger was immediate and extreme, and was toward my H. But when he expressed remorse, and showed he wanted a chance to be the husband I deserve again, I gave him that chance. Over time, as more of the details of the A unraveled, I realized what a vile disgusting immoral trailer trash whore she was/is and so it was later that she actually earned more of the blame. My H never downplayed his role; most of the disgusting details I found out about the whore were found on my own.

It has been almost 7 years for me, and my husband and I are doing just fine, closer than ever, actually. And the whore is still a whore. So a day is not going to come when I think what she did was insignificant and my H was the only one accountable for what happened.

Again, I respect your position in answering why you believe we "blame the OP."

It is my opinion that in most cases we blame them because they fully deserve a good portion of the blame!

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 10:16 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

is there something wrong with me that I blame him more ?????

Absolutely not! You SHOULD be blaming him more. The OW is definitely to blame as well, just not as much as your H.

There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Feelings are feelings. They aren't good or bad. They just are. Tomorrow, you may feel differently. Or you may not. Whatever you feel is just fine.

That some people feel anger toward the OP, while others are more focused on their spouses ...well, it's based on a variety of factors. I think many who wish to R focus more on OP because it's not as scary as feeling the feelings about the spouses with whom they wish to reconcile.

It's safer to spew vitriol about someone whose response will have absolutely NO impact on your reconciliation.

It can feel awfully risky to feel, let alone express the same level of anger toward someone with whom you want to move forward constructively.

So we intellectualize a lot more about our spouses. We reframe our feelings to constructive, reconciliation-building actions. We express a safe level of emotion---enough that R is not undermined--and direct the rage to the OP, a person who does not matter.

And this is not a bad thing, as long as feelings aren't suppressed or rug-swept. There is a lot to be said for protecting your primary relationship from additional damage.

Also, you have to keep in mind that everyone's experience is different. Some OPs are victims themselves (not aware our WSs are married, or somehow manipulated/used otherwise). Some are really conniving and awful, and intent on causing the BS as much pain as possible. It's hard to maintain equanimity when you've got a bunnyboiler on your hands. And individual makeup comes into play, too. Some of us are more resilient than others. Some have had a lifetime of trauma, while others have not. Some have good coping skills, and others have none. Some come from happy families of origin. Others knew only dysfunction growing up. Some have had otherwise happy marriages, while others have struggled. Some have good, if wayward, spouses. Others have spouses who have never cared for them appropriately. Some have experienced years of gaslighting and infidelity, and respond very differently when the last straw lands on their backs.

You don't need to worry about which response to infidelity is the right one. Because there isn't a right one.

Feel your feelings. One of the biggest lessons infidelity holds is that that's ALL you can do. You can feel your own feelings, think your own thoughts, and direct your own behavior.

Other peoples'? Nope, you can't control their thoughts, feelings, or actions. Not even a little. (And that includes your WS.) It's a crappy way to learn that lesson, but it's actually a pretty good one to learn

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:44 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

The bottom line is that a PA or an EA requires a willing participant.

If a man who was married approached me in an inappropriate way, I would say absolutely not, and no cheating would occur.

Imagine...if that man went onto the next woman and she said no. And so did the next, and so did the next. He can't cheat if there is nobody to cheat with.

Yes, our WS holds part of the blame. I'm not going to say more of the blame, I'm not going to say less of the blame. 50% of the blame. BUT the person who said yes is to blame as well. That person also agreed to have sex, and carry on a relationship that they knew was no appropriate.

There are 2 scenarios in which the OP is to to blame at at. If WS raped the OP, obviously they are not to blame and WS is 100% responsible. Also, if OP didn't know the WS was married, the OP isn't to blame.

Just because I didn't make vows to you doesn't mean I can just run around and do whatever I want to. If your spouse gave me an crowbar and told me to knock you over the head with it...so I did it...are you really telling me that I'm not responsible because I didn't vow to be nice to you?

I blame both. I did see her in action. She had no idea who I was and came over and tried to kiss my H and seduce him while we stood next to each other!!!!!!! She is so stupid!!!! ANd in front of coworkers. SO needless to say she a C..t out of control. She likes older married men.......ANd he was disconnected after years of travel and me doing the 180 because of his too much travel and drinking. It was like two trains headed toward each other. ANd to show you how stupid she really is, she lost interest when she found out he was 50. SHe had no clue. How can you not know a close age range? She really is a piece of cake all by herself. and we are left with a wreck.

Its easier...

Like it or not your spouse is a reflection of yourself.

Really...How??? I did not bring him up. I am not responsible for his lack of integrity, his weak moral character, his dishonesty. I do not cheat, steal, lie, lack integrity. I am not selfish, self absorbed, or sneaky.

My WH is not a reflection of me. He would be the 1st to tell you that he is nothing like me... today however, he aspires to be just like me.

Your children are a reflection of you ~ your spouse is not.

I don't solely blame ow but she does deserve some blame. If my ws had ons or if he found random hook ups, Iwouldnt blame ow because she prob

wouldn't he was M. My problem with ow is, she knew me and my kids. She saw a crack in our M at a time when ws and I weren't doing to well. She flirted with him when I would leave, she fed the lie that I didn't care about him during a time I needed my husband and my DS needed his father desperately. He left me in the trenches when I needed him most.

Ow and I werent really friends but she knew wtf was going on in our family and she used it. Stupid bitch!! Oh boy now I'm mad again

I blame my husband, he cheated and broke vows. However I blame her as well because she knew is married. She did not care and still does not care, she wanted him and set out to get him even tho she was a BS one time herself.

You should blame your WH. However, your wh OW was your BFF and to me that is equally as hurtful. She wasn't some hooker he called or some random POS but your so called "friend." Your friend who is suppose to have your back. No, I would definitely blame her too.

They both knew what they were doing and any thought of what this would have done to you just didn't enter their pea brains.