SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mylar

I am sorry you are hurting. I am. I don't mean to be harsh but somethings you have posted don't quite resonate with me.

That is so hard, because he is my very best friend. I can't believe this is happening.

(((gently))) - uhm, no he's not. Not really. He is a narcissist and knows how to play "nice guy" when it's convenient. Otherwise, he does what he wants, when he wants.

So to follow your story...he was cheated on by his first wife. He knows first had the pain this inflicts yet he's done this to you 3x's that you know of?

What kind of best friend knowingly hurts someone over and over again?

He is apologetic, says he did it because he was "BORED".

That is something my 10 year old would say. He is actively pursuing other women. He is making plans.

He is not your best friend because he does not respect you enough to be faithful or even truly be remorseful because he has repeated the same horrid behavior over and over again. That is NOT remorse.

It stops when you define your boundaries and outline the consequences and you stick to them.

Your children deserve a better role model than someone who treats his marriage, his wife and his family like an afterthought and an option.

Keep up the detective work and work on the 180.

Good Luck. Many hugs.

Have you been tested for STDs? Some don't have visible symptome.

If you haven't been tested...do so ASAP.

So, yesterday was pretty intense. He asked me if we could talk, and we spent the whole afternoon talking (mostly him). I learned some things about him that I never knew before. He is very committed to starting counseling, and he did quite a bit of research on his own to locate some counselors and figure out the insurance coverage. He continues to be very remorseful, and thanked me for letting him stay in the house rather than kicking him out immediately.

I told him that I opened my own bank account, and that my plan is to keep enough money in there to make myself feel comfortable throwing him out immediately if he EVER does anything like this again. I reiterated that to him several times - this is it, NO MORE CHANCES. He went to work today and requested to be transferred to a different area doing different work, in order to no longer have any contact with the girl from earlier this year. I didn't ask him to do that, and I know the job he has been doing is one he enjoyed and worked toward for a number of years so that action means something, I think.

I bought a VAR yesterday, but I couldn't figure out how to make it work correctly so I ended up returning it. (When I got home WH told me he thought I had gone to meet with an attorney to file for D, and he was pretty much a basket case.) I am going to have to do some more research about these surveillance tools before I waste any money.

I already have an appointment scheduled with my doctor next week for an unrelated checkup, so I am going to ask her to screen me for STDs then. WH continues to insist that there has never been any PA, but I realize that means nothing.

Thanks again for all your thoughts.

Small T/J but when I read posts about sexting co-workers an image immediately pops into my mind of them having to wear a poster board sign around their necks to work that says...I like to sext married co-workers and send pics of my private parts because it makes me feel special..then have all the texts and pics there for everyone to see.

The WS would have to wear one that says...I was graphically sexting "name of co-worker" while my devoted wife was planning a special father's day for me. I'm a scumbag..and then list the texts and pictures.

end T/J

Hang in there honey and get your ducks in a row.

LOL Phoenix519! Actually, when I found the photo of coworker #1 on his phone and he told me that it must've been "accidentally" sent, I told him that perhaps I should "accidentally" post it to facebook and forward it to all of his other coworkers!

This^^^

Hi-larious!

Hang in there Mylar Pineapples!

but because I don't think sexual gratification is the reason he does this. I think it's much more about getting his ego stroked, which doesn't require any physical contact and allows him to keep telling himself that since he didn't actually touch any of these women then he's done nothing wrong. That being said, I admit that there is every possibility that I am wrong.

I get this, I really do. I also think this of my WH. Who, by the way, sexted and eventually got physically involved. I actually believe that he really didn't care if it went there - he wasn't all that attracted to her, nor is he overly hyped about sex...damn, he even said the sexting kind of weirded him out - but it was just a progression that was bound to happen. In order to continue to ego stroking, well, things have to CONTINUE. And continuing usually means next steps even if that wasn't his aim, priority, or even care.

The other thing is this...you know, ego stroking can happen in a lot of ways. Why such overt sexuality as means to ego stroke? I mean, he can get ego strokes from someone saying "I love you" or "you're handsome." Look at all the EAs that happen around here and this is where the strokes come from for those folks - not much sexual talk at all.

So why sexting? If not to lead to a physical encounter, then why that? Why/how did he get multiple women over the years to send dirty photos?

Anyway, all this is to say that his choice of sexting is pretty critical if you ask me - even if it didn't become physical - but the likelihood is that it did.

Take care, Mylar.

So we've talked quite a bit in the last couple of days. He did confess some things I never had any idea about, and I really hope that this time he's told me all there is to tell. He also admitted that there have been a few times he made plans to meet up with these women and likely would've initiated a PA, but in each instance circumstances have occurred that led him to back out, only because he was afraid of getting caught. He was very upset and remorseful as he told me all these things, and is adamant that he is going to do whatever work he needs to do in IC or whatever to change and never hurt me like this again.

I told him I am willing to give him this one last chance, but that I am still planning on keeping money set aside in my own name that will be used to retain a divorce attorney if he ever does this again. To be honest, right now I don't really feel capable of believing he will be faithful or even of hoping for it. Feeling sad today. I feel like no matter how much time goes by, I will forever be waiting for the next time to happen.

Right now I am so afraid... I am so afraid that one day he is going to drop a bomb on me that he has found some other women that he prefers to be with, and he will leave me here alone with our 3 children, totally unprepared. I feel like I will never see it coming if that happens, so I need to try to always be ready.

work he needs to do in IC or whatever to change and never hurt me like this again.

Let me give you a bench mark to watch for.

While we always say to watch all the "I" messages from waywards as indicators that they don't get it, in one place it is very different. When he says about about not doing it to hurt you, when he is healed, he will say he won't do it again so as not to betray himself. A wayward becomes a former wayward when they realize their behavior is a violation of their own person code of behavior and ethics. That's the place they have to reach.

As for being scared it will happen again, have you considered a post nuptual agreement? While their enforceability varies by state, it is something to consider. Have him sign an agreement that any forms of future cheating leave you with the bulk of your financial assets. In addition, keep an account with enough money to help you start a new life. If you don't have that money now, find a way to build it. Go forward with hope, but protect yourself.

Thank you Rebreather. He actually did make some statements like that during our conversations yesterday. Maybe that's a good sign, I don't know.

I bought a cell phone spy app today. I am planning to try to install it on his phone tonight. I'm not going to tell him about it. It makes me feel kind of sick to do this - it seems like a huge violation of trust. But then I think about how badly I wish I had installed it on his phone six months ago, and I wouldn't have to wonder about all the crap he deleted...

He scheduled an appointment for IC on Monday. He also wants us to go to marriage counseling. I hope the fact that he is taking this step indicates he is serious about not letting this happen again. I'm anxious to see how it goes at his appointment - I hope the therapist is a good fit for him.

I am happy that he sees that he needs to own the healing process and do whatever you need to start to heal. His behavior and actions will direct if/how R is possible.

I would recommend you both doing IC for a while before you begin MC. It will help you both understand where you both are and he can get a better understanding on why he allowed himself to cheat. You then can work on the marriage.

Good luck - wishing you the best.