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General :
So, if they're broken, then they get away with it?

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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 4:32 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

My H has deep rooted FOO issues, okay, I know, who doesn't right?

But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life?? Oh, because he's broken and his daddy never showed or told him he loved him and he and his mom got hit all the time. I do feel really bad for him, but really? I just don't get it. Still.

Well, I had crazier shit happen to me and I sure didn't cheat.

Now what? I'm having a hard time making sense of this...

Need a little help here.

Thanks for reading,

Libbey. :)

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:36 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6376895
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itainteasy ( member #31094) posted at 4:36 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

No way. We all have FOO. We don't all chose to cheat.

No free pass.

posts: 3446   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2011   ·   location: NWPA
id 6376905
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Kelany ( member #34755) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

Why would you think this is a free pass? Who told you that?

My FWH is a SA, has PTSD, bipolar, PD and FOO issues (abandonment) and he certainly is NOT getting a free pass. He's owning his shit. He's in therapy, on meds, working hard at R.

BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2012
id 6376906
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 4:40 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

No free passes. No way.

But I know I feel less horrible about my husband's infidelity knowing that he has extreme FOO issues, etc. than to just think he is a horrible person for no reason.

Maybe that's naive.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8268   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 6376912
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karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 4:45 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life

Only if you give it to him.

We all have foo issues,(most...never all ;) ) and those of us that want to get better get some IC and dig deep.

It sucks but in the end is so rewarding.

Concentrate on healing you, let him carry his own shit.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:46 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

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id 6376920
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atsenaotie ( member #27650) posted at 5:06 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

No.

FWW had FOO and other issues. What this has meant for her is that for the M to R she not only had to address the entire damage done by her betrayals, but she also had to address and repair her FOO and behavioral issues.

I get that she was uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, may have had an attachment disorder. I get that to her feelings were facts and so if she felt unloved it meant to her I did not love her. I get that CSAb and being an ACOA did a number on her.

These all became a part of the things she needed to fix after dday if she wanted to R with me. If these were a part of her "Whys?" then they needed to be a part of her recovery and becoming a safer person to be M to.

After dday and the growth I have had to go through as a part of my healing, there is no reason why I would accept a spouse who was unable to be an intimate partner, unable to be honest, who had substance or other addiction problems, who did not want to be with me out of a healthy love.

Knowing what I know now, even if FWW had never cheated, these things needed to be fixed in order for us to have a healthy and successful M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)]

LTA FBS
dday 10.5.09
Divorced

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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 5:11 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

Well, that's really your choice - what is and isn't acceptable to you?

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
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forgivenesswins ( new member #37052) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

It depends on whether you want to allow it to be.

On the one hand, if you are going to forgive, that means to wipe the slate clean.

There is no tit-for-tat where he messes up and then asks for forgiveness and so you punish him for it & remind him all the time that he messed up before you let him stay. That's not a happy situation for either one of you.

Just letting him stay, in and of itself, is not forgiveness. You need get to a point where you know & feel it in your heart that he loves you and you love him and you can move forward together.

On the other hand, if he continues to mess up, and continues to hurt you, there may come a point where you just won't be able to forgive anymore. If he chocks it up to FOO issues everytime and doesn't do anything to correct it, you need to be in a place where you KNOW you can or cannot continue to forgive it.

BW- Me, 45
WH- Him, 44
Together 17 yrs.
D-Day - June 2012
D-Day #2 - October 2015
DONE - January 2018

DSD19, DS16, OC(D)8, DD6

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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:58 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

In one sense, no free pass, ever.

The best punishment is to withdraw your love - but you can't do that if you R. As long as you're together, anything that punishes him has negative effects on you. In that sense, you have to give him a free pass to R - not because of FOO issues, but because it's the nature of R.

I have FOO issues, and I haven't cheated. I once developed a crush on a woman, after 10 years of M. I kept myself from being alone with her, and when she complained (with good reason) about her H, I talked about my W positively. I did this despite pessimism, self-hate, belief that my W would leave me one day anyway, etc. I had my crush at a long class away from home. When I got back home, I started therapy.

A cheater is broken, but in some ways almost all of us are. Broken-ness is an excuse.

But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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hathnofury ( member #32550) posted at 7:11 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

The way I see it, being broken in and of itself isn't a free pass for cheating. It's a compass for how to address the underlying issues that made you broken enough to cheat, so you own your shit, fix it, and make restitution for what you have done.

But maybe I am naive too.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

posts: 1503   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011
id 6377172
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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 7:48 PM on Monday, June 17th, 2013

Sisoon

But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook

That was the answer I was looking for.

And, forgivenesswins,

if you are going to forgive, that means to wipe the slate clean

So, there it is. It's always harder to take the path less travelled...and to turn the other cheek...

He's 110% committed to R, IC/MC, finally going to start his 12 step/AA...He's sorry, he feels bad, etc...

I'm giving it a year, but this may very well be my dealbreaker...

Thanks for your honesty and imput everyone. :)

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6377236
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 12:00 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

lib, I know the following advice is unasked for, but WTH, I'm anonymous....

IIRC, it took me well over a year to get comfortable with this, so it makes sense to be very angry at your point in the recovery process.

Keep your focus on what you want. If in a year this is a deal breaker, so be it. If you come to a decision earlier, so be it. An if you change your mind, so be it. You're in control of yourself.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

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SecondHelping ( member #36796) posted at 12:30 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

If you and I know that FOO issues don't get to the why's and give them a free pass, why is it fWW IC is spending so much time on it. She's been going for 8 months and they haven't discussed the A yet.

D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/2 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

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id 6377561
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solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 1:06 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

No. If he's broken,he becomes responsible for mending himself AND the damage he's done to the marriage.

BS-me, 62; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC. "So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

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Ashland13 ( member #38378) posted at 1:27 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

No, being broken isn't a free pass, it's an explanation, a reason, something to consider and comprehend beside the actions. Maybe FOO things are roots of why one person might cheat but not another?

And I agree with the post that says it feels better to contemplate all that happened with reasons behind it.

Counseling, I think, is like music lessons, where when done right, isn't finished in any short period of time. FOO issues are major, major things in a person's life and this is not an excuse by any means, but if they are "real", take eons to address. It's by no means saying an A should not be discussed and I don't want to give that impression.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

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IRN2006 ( member #23717) posted at 2:49 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

Here's what I think: I think that people are either are born with a personality that upholds boundaries over everything else and some aren't.

I think it's nature and nurture-what you are born with and how you are raised.

My 9 yo is a very black and white thinker. Has been from day 1. He doesn't understand why people do things, on purpose to break the law, or get high, or anything like that. It just doesn't enter his realm of understanding.

I'm sort of the same way. I don't "get" addiction. I mean, I understand the ins and outs in an academic sense, because I'm married to a recovering SA. But, fundamentally, I do NOT understand why my husband chose porn to deal with life. There are about 100,000 other things he could have done to help himself manage his emotions.

Now, I grew up with a primary caregiver that had untreated mental illness. Of course I learned some bad behaviors. But, they were learned, and I was able to unlearn them over the course of 18 months or so.

I also don't believe all people are screwed up. I mean, really, really screwed up. That would mean that the general stats done about how much of the general population has an addiction, has untreated mental illness are WAY way off base. I choose not to believe that 90% of the population is either addicted, has untreated mental illness, or is living in an abusive relationship (with extended or nuclear family.)

I think we need to be careful about the role of FOO in ourselves and our recoveries. Ultimately, our recoveries (both personal and the marriage if it applies) depends on our willingness to change our behaviors. That's on us, only.

posts: 1297   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2009
id 6377700
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Bluebird26 ( member #36445) posted at 9:53 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

No way, no free pass.

They can choose to be a victim of the foo issues or they can get some help to deal with their inner demons once and for all.

It only becomes a free pass if you let it be.

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

posts: 1530   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6377935
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 12:42 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

I really struggle with this. Even if they're not broken (and we know that they are)they still get a free pass. I've said this over and over to MC/IC. So, he got to do that and all he got was a pissed off wife for a year? Maybe if I saw him posting here, reading more (any!). If the wayward doesnt' feel badly about what happened it IS a free pass, IMO.

He does go to IC/MC....and hates it.

I'm not sure if he feels this way about what I did. The karma bus hit me pretty hard though.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:44 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

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