Hi Mysticpenguin,
Can I clarify if this is what happened:
You two were married in what you both had planned to be a committed, monogamous relationship (though you had fears about your H cheating on you eventually). Your H cheated on you, and you found out. In the aftermath, the relationship became open on his side in that he can have NSA sex with other women, as long as it's just sex (which is sickening easy to do if you're in the "right" clubs
). But he wants to have sex with Olga, who is currently "family", and so she would be around all the time, in your face, and it would be impossible to be "casual" about it. Additionally, he's not open and transparent so it violates the one-sided open relationship anyway.
Is that what happened?
If you don't mind, can I ask some questions?
What was it that made you fear that your H would cheat eventually? Was it a characteristic of his? Something he said? Experiences you had yourself earlier in life (i.e. family, past partners, among friends, etc)? What made you worry about this?
When the open relationship came up, was this something you agreed to because you feared he would do it again anyway? Was this something he asked or something you suggested? How do you feel about it - does it make you unhappy or feel sick to think of him having sex with other women?
Did he agree to transparency? Is he still acting defensive or outright offensive when you ask questions?
How would he feel about NOT having an open relationship? How would he feel about being monogamous and committed to you and you alone? How would you feel about that?
How do you think the open relationship will impact your M in the long term? How about your health? And what about his character? Do you see him having sex with other girls for the rest of his life?
One more question. How does he justify sleeping with other girls when he won't sleep with his own wife? Do you want intimacy with him? How does he justify denying you that? Didn't he take the same vows as you, and didn't those vows include a husband and wife giving of themselves to each other, cherishing each other? How dare he go out and meet some other girl's needs and not yours?
If he's feeling there are problems within himself he needs to solve, it's not OK for him to go out and fuck other girls and not his wife. He's not going to find any answers in another woman's private parts. And it's also not your issue. He needs to do the work on himself. So never mind if sleeping around benefits him - it doesn't. It's not a sign of good health that he's doing this, in the wake of cheating, in a way that's inauthentic (not being transparent), and not giving the energy primarily to you and your M with him.
Most importantly (and the only thing you can change), is it bad for your health that he is out sleeping with other girls? I'm guessing yes, it is. So now, how will you take care of you? What boundaries do you need to protect yourself? How will you defend your boundaries? Take your time. It really, truly doesn't sound like this way is working.
And no matter how much you want to be with him, it will do nothing but keep hurting you to do it this way.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:07 PM, June 17th (Monday)]