SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I still haven't worked up the nerve to tell the om's wife yet. I know I need to but feel so bad about how she is going to feel. Since I mentally committed to seeing the attorney two nights ago my wife is in full remorse/reconciliation mode, trying to initiate sex, saying she wants to work it out. She sent the OM a NC text two weeks ago when I first found her sexting and swears she has had no contact with him. Now that I am ready to pull the plug, she is coming back to me and I feel guilty about continuing with making plans with the attorney to file. She has said and done enough bad things that if I don't divorce her for this, what would I divorce her for? She has made it clear that she has been unhappy over the last few years, and it has been no bed of roses for me either. I just find it odd that the closer I get to ending it, the closer she tries to get to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am just being played. I don't have a lot of confidence in my intuition right now, especially since I had no idea she was cheating on me.

OW's BH called me and outed them. I thought he was kind, but misguided. He provided a few pieces of evidence, ....then I knew he was kind and compassionate and brave. He and I kept in contact for a while, he was a true ally.

I "knew" something was up before then, but I likely never would have KNOWN if he didn't call.

DO IT.

It also kills the joy of the secret part of the A, the light of day has a way of clearing out unicorn farts....

TELL HIS BW.

"She says the sex hasn't been "hot" for several years"

This statement of blame shifting makes me see red! My WH whines/complains and has the same excuses for having A.. I hate that the un remorseful WS thinks that having an A is a trivial occurrance and that the BS should get over it quickly..

Using such excuses as lack of good sex in the marriage, etc,, etc shows that the WS is blame shifting and using their choice of having an A as blackmail to get what they want from the BS..

The last thing I would want to do, I repeat the last thing I would want to do, is have sex with a spouse with that mindset.

In the case that you decide to try R it is a good idea to see an attorney first..Make it an absolute condition of R that there has to be a post nup in place..

I have also seen cases of BS demanding divorce from WS with the completion of a permanent and fair financial/ custody settlement..This was a requirement of the BS BEFORE he or she felt safe enough to go forward and out on a limb to trust the WS enough for R to take place. They remained divorced in the eyes of the law, but renewed their commitment to each other and lived their lives as if they were still married..

In other words the WS has to show that he/she will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES to make the BS feel secure within the relationship again.

I have the feeling that your WS is missing the comforts of home....

(((Hugs)))) I wish you good luck in whatever choice you make..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:48 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

****" Your situation is comparable to the guy that caught his arm in a crevice in Utah. You know – the guy that cut it off after a week or so. I guess he hoped he didn’t have to. I guess that given a choice he would have preferred keeping both arms. But he didn’t HAVE that choice. He had to choose from the options he had and they were limited and bad; die or cut. That’s where you are"****

I don't mean to thread jack but I just read the above statement upthread a minute ago.. It made such an impact in my mind that I am in tears..

I am gonna have to repeat this statement over and over in my head and act accordingly..

Because I have been living in an in house separation for a long time, which is toxic for the soul, I am in a very bad place and spiraling down..

I have the feeling that this wise advice is going to save my life!

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Good for you Joe

I am happy that you were able to say no. It's hard because you seek the physical and emotional closeness with your spouse. NORMAL

It is interesting to me that she now wants to reconcile. What changed? You playing hard ball.

Please be cautious as she is manipulating this to tip the scales in her favor.

Guilt sucks but it is an emotion that she should own right now because her selfish decisions but you all in the position you are in.

You are in protection mode. Keep moving.

Curious have you contacted OM's wife? Please listen to everyone when we say you need to do this.

You are doing amazing. Stay strong and set your boundaries now and stick to your guns.

She may be waking up from the fog but she still has a lot of work to do and a lot to prove.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

PS

Your wife needs to commit to IC too and figure out why she chose to cheat. Being unhappy isn't an excuse.

I would recommend IC for you too.

Take it slow. You don't have to make any final decisions today just get the information you need. Knowledge is power.

You also need tested for STD's.

Keep moving. You will make to the other side.

joeinfl, let me put my two cents in about telling the OM wife. Just do it. Its wrong thinking not to. You would want to know, right? In my case I told the OM wife an it immediately ended the affair. Then I sat back an watched the circus play out as the OM threw my STBXW under the bus, much to her dismay an then she had the OM betrayed wife to deal with. I should ve sold tickets. Regardless,if you are going to try for reconciliation or not, the OM wife needs to know. She could turn out to be a valuable ally. Like one other poster told you,its time to go nuclear,

The OM's wife needs to know what her WH has been doing to her and his family.

Go ahead and tell her.

I am going to chime in and say the same thing..Tell the OM's wife!

And see the lawyer and execute measures to protect yourself whether you R or D...If a post nup is valid in your state, I would go for it..Your WW's full cooperation or lack of cooperation in drafting a post nup agreement could give you some valuable clarity....

Sometimes I wonder if I am just being played.

Yep Joe you are my man but, we've all seen this thousands of times before... (look at our member numbers)

Her reactions right now are just that... Reactions to your actions...

Don't you worry... She's not close to being remorseful... When she falls on the floor with mascara dripping down her face, hugging your leg and begging you to give her a chance, then you have someone to work with... Until then she's just humping your leg...

She's tried the sex bribe, she's tried to do some bargaining... She's tried to justify, blameshift and gaslight...

She's tried everything except throwing herself at the mercy of the court (you) and let the truth stand on it's own merits...

Beware my man... She still has her affair mask on... She is not your friend, partner or wife...

Tell the dirtbag's poor wife... She's probably been in knots knowing something's wrong and is simply getting fed the drivel many of us were fed.... Help her... Tell her...

WB

I still haven't worked up the nerve to tell the om's wife yet. I know I need to but feel so bad about how she is going to feel.

I totally understand the wavering...but, this is information that needs to be divulged and the sooner the better.

Take "our" advice and pull the tooth quick and swift.

The chips will fall and you will have an answer. This will also help you make your decisions.

Also, did you see the lawyer yet?

joe,

It seems so clear to us out here watching this unfold what is going on but, I think it's a little ironic that since you have shown her that you are not willing to take the left overs, she now is changing tactics. I'm sure she has had some time to mull over this idea that things may really change in ways she didn't plan. She is manipulating you all over the place. I really don't think she knows what she wants but, when things start moving in a direction she is uncomfortable with she changes the approach. Cheaters lie & right now you cannot trust her! Trust only yourself & the good advice that you are being given!!!

I sincerly believe that she is still in the A & somewhere in that stupid fog she thinks she can come out a winner here. You sound like a nice gut & I sure hope you don't fall for it!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 2:53 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

She's probably been in knots knowing something's wrong and is simply getting fed the drivel many of us were fed.

^^^ This. This is what I found out when I called the poor gal, the other BS. I told her everything. It was the confimration she needed to take control of her life.

She has made it clear that she has been unhappy over the last few years

,

Joe.....Dude, this is called "rewriting the marital history" to justify her actions - making her decision to bang another dude, somehow in her mind, your fault..Ya know, Bro...she deserve to be happy... . Yeah...im being a smart ass...

She sent the OM a NC text two weeks ago when I first found her sexting and swears she has had no contact with him.

Ok...not trying to break your balls here, but...yeah...always a "but". Did you see it?....surely your NOT taking her word on this....cheaters lie!!! You usually don't get the FULL truth this easy...can you verify this? Lots of affairs go underground at this point..(don't stick your head into the sand)....this is one reason why telling the other spouse is so important...you will have another set of eyes watching the APs.

You are doing pretty good Joe.....this is NOT an 8 second ride..(rodeo joke - get it?)..the whistle has NOT blown (another Rodeo metaphor)...this bullshit is gonna take a while to get past....months at least...maybe even years...

I just find it odd that the closer I get to ending it, the closer she tries to get to me.

Yep....classic response to a "shits and giggles" affair when hit with a really hard 180...you are not gonna "nice guy" back into your arms...begging, pleading and crying will not work, Bro....time to go "Alpha male" on her...(nope - I do nt advocate eating your kids)....let her know what you will tolerate and what you wont...(banging another dude is a huge no-no).....dealbreaker for some - that's OK too....for some men it is...but if the WS "Sees the light", gets into IC to determine why the A took place, owns her shit in making the decision to cheat, shows total remorse, etc...R is possible...It can happen...

Tell the other BS....its OK to want to R....based on her level of "doing all the right things" to win you back....verify everything..cell phone bills, passwords, everything....I verified everything my FWW did for a long while....everytime I checked on the FWW and found "nothing"....another brick in the wall of trust got placed.....this takes a LONG TIME....

keep us posted...

Bufffalo

If you follow some of my posts you'll glean a bit about what I went through. I was every kind of dick imaginable to my wife. It still surprises me that she even stayed. While I do regret being deliberately hurtful, even to the point of using my kids as weapons against her, I don't regret telling the OM wife or anything that happened to him since. His wife is thankful to me and we speak occasionally, although I'm going to be cutting her off soon under the advice of IC/MC. I think it's best too. If you want to be sure the A is over, drop the bomb! You could just be in a false R, which can rub salt and hot pepper juice into you wounds.

When I told OM spouse, my motives weren't noble. He hurt me and I wanted to hurt him back. But it forced the A into the open and it instantly extracted my wife's head from her backside! She saw OM for what he was and herself for what she was...on the surface anyway. I now have my wife back. There are still issues, her shame, my anger, both the results of our pain. Tears, shouts, screams, laughs, HB...lots of HB

My point is that until the A is COMPLETELY EXPOSED you can't know where you are at, not really anyway.

I think what might be happening is at first when you found out about the affair she truly thought she would be riding into the sunset with her boyfriend. But, after he knew YOU knew, he most likely dumped her as quickly as possible. Now she has nowhere to go if you divorce.

I don't know what advice to give you. You could go ahead with the divorce proceedings, and if and when things do change, you can always withdraw them.

[This message edited by cissi at 4:35 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

I saw my attorney today, WS does not know I went, and I want to keep the element of surprise as I am leaning toward filing. My attorneys are recommending not reaching out to the OM's wife since I am in such a strong position from a custody standpoint and they don't want to give WS any ammunition, ie. saying I was being threatening in any way. Florida is a no-fault state so unfortunately her indiscretions won't damage her financially. However, my attorneys will reserve the right to depose the OM. If my WS still cares for the OM, and he hasn't been found out by his bw, we might be able to leverage the settlement a small amount by offering to save him from being deposed. I recognize that isnt fair to the OMS. However, if my goal is to R, and I don't file, then by all means it makes sense to contact oms. Since I have picked my testicles up off the floor and begun taking some control of the situation and my emotions, WS has become an angel. I realistically plan for D, and I think WS is (finally) picking up on the potential loss of her gravy train. Of course her moods have been swinging as much as mine, so who knows what it will be like when I get home.

Have you thought about a way to anonymously warn the BW? Not to be vengeful, but to let her know she is exposed to risks. Your WW may not be the OM's only A. AP's rarely use protection. There are more reasons for notifying the other BS than just exposing the A.

Good idea to call the OBW anonymously from a pay as you go phone with number that would be difficult to trace back to you..

The decision to not tell that poor woman is a bitter pill for me to swallow. I knew something was wrong for a very long time & while it would have been equally as devastating as it eventually was, I would have been eternally grateful that someone had enough moral integrity to let me in on the secret. I understand not tipping your hand but, I feel so badly for that POS's wife!