Oh XH.
You know, I don't hate you anymore. I feel nothing for you. I do wish you would just disappear. I don't want to deal with you no more, ever.
The last couple of months have really sucked. I've been working 7 days a week to keep everything together for the kids and I since September. Even though I'm gone 88% of the weekends, the kids still want to be home instead of with you. You don't think it has anything to do with you and your lack of doing anything with them. Being alone at my house is still better than sitting in that hole you call home.
Found out in April that DD13 is cutting. Your immediate response? Well, she just has to learn to deal with change. Really Captain Herbal Life? You really think this is about leaving elementary and going to high school? She can't WAIT to get out of there and get to high school. But I guess you wouldn't know that. It's much more important to try and divert the attention from the fact that you walking out on her and treating her for an after thought the first 2 years you left might be part of the problem. I say nothing.
I sit in the therapist office with you and her last week, and listen to you say oh, all the right things...how much we both care for her, how you know I do much more of the parenting than you, therefore I get the anger that you don't...but also make sure it's out there that gee, none of this happens when she's with you. I say nothing...but could you fuck off please?
I'm so tired, I want to fall over. I can't wait for school to end. Yes, I will struggle financially for the summer since I will be on unemployment for my main job until September, but man, I need a break. So, I'm doing my normal running around last week...take DD and her friend to the mall to get strapless bras for their grad dresses, run friend home, get home, grab DS and his buddy to take them to a lacrosse game 80 clicks away..and my van dies. It's dead. No more van, I'm dead in the water. So, I scramble around, get other lacrosse parents I barely know to make sure DS can get to his game and practices for the past week, never mind that DS is disappointed as he just got is G2 and can finally drive on his own and now doesn't have a vehicle. Can't drive yours, you bought a stick, knowing you then wouldn't have to add him to your insurance. I'll bare that expense too, thanks.
So, gee, tonight you had to do the running. DD has a night out with her class tonight 30 min away, then you have to get DS to his game 80 min away. I ask you to try and stop by a store on your way in between the two to grab DD shoes for her grad dress. The shoes are $20. Not expensive. Shoot, I've already bought 2 pair, but one is black with sparkles, the other is gold with sparkles...she really needs the silver. Did you really text me that you got them and dropped DD off then be upset because I didn't praise you?? For pete's sake, I do it every day!
So today I work, I have a car I have signed to buy to pick up tomorrow, the bank is screwing me around on the loan and I have to get my parents to save me. I'm freaking 45, and I shouldn't have to have my parents rescue me!! Yes, I know it's been 4 years since you walked away, and F you, I've made it work. I've cut every corner and managed to keep this disaster of a house going for the kids, and I will manage to keep it going for 4 more years until DD graduates. But really? there's a part of me that's pissed. If you wouldn't have pulled your crap and been a real man, I wouldn't be struggling like this. I have a good job, it just is better as a second income for a family, not the sole income because of the lack of pay at some times of year. So no, I don't blame you for the bank playing games, but I definitely don't want to listen to you at all about what I'm going to buy and what I should do. Shit, my credit rating is back up to the top of the heap..they just don't like my income to expense ratio...Yeah I know, it's tight But I need a car!
So, I cried at work today. I barely did that even when you walked out. But today, I'm done. So here I sit, having another drink, wishing my life would just start going uphill. And I wish I wouldn't have to listen to your BS anymore.
So here's the deal. I'm keeping the kids for 2 weeks this summer, and NO, you can't just get them for dinner if we are home. I've yet to make you LEAVE US ALONE for a whole week. Last year, you couldn't be bothered to take them for a week, because it was more important to use your vacation to get your balls cut off so you don't have to worry about pregnancy with that poor stupid woman you are dating. Never mind your kids, again. So yes. I'm going to actually not feel guilty about taking 2 weeks for me and the kids. Heck, they stay home half the time anyway. But I'm going to somehow take them away at least for a few days, then they can stay HOME with me, and not have to beg and plead to stay instead of stay with you.
I need a break. From my job(s), my money issues, from you. And for Pete sake, somehow, I'm going to have my life go forward instead of just being mom and never get to do anything for me. After I sleep. That's what I need the most. Then, I'll find a life.
