SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think my H and myself have confused the two. Some of the women he says we're EA's he never even spoke with. Can someone tell me the diff between the two?

I think your WS is right, in that having a crush shares many of the same characteristics as emotional infidelity. Any time we redirect time, energy, love, focus, attention or affection away from the spouse, it's a type of infidelity. A "crush" on someone other than your spouse is an unhealthy mental habit, meant to fill a hole in the WS. "Fantasy" is very much a lousy coping mechanism, often a lifelong habit that is hard to break.

I had a 4-year crush in my M, spending those years focused on the other person, pining, fantasizing, cherishing the little contact we had, etc... All the energy I spent focused on that person would have better served my M. Also, it's a slippery slope. God forbid the other person had reciprocated more than he did. When fantasy meets reality, we really start deluding ourselves, we start believing in fate and start thinking we're in luuuurve.

The litmus test for an EA is: "How would my spouse feel if they (really) knew my feelings for the other person?" In a lot of ways it doesn't matter so much if those feelings are fully realized, the damage to the M is done. And it's insidious.

I believe I'm in the same boat but have no proof and no way of getting any.

I think he's a psycho-stalker, unbalanced, out-of-touch-w/-reality, nut who loves to find ways to make me hurt.

I'm trying not to REact and instead thoughtfully act because we have a son.

I sometimes think to myself that I'd have been better with him saying "eh, I f'ed her but it didn't mean anything". But that isn't true either and it belittles the pain people go through with PA's.

I think regardless, PA/EA/Crush - YOU aren't your spouses main concern/love anymore it is themselves or someone else and it sucks. Period.

I developed a crush after 10 years of M, when I was away from home for training with no trip home scheduled for 8 weeks. I just couldn't understand why fantasized about a classmate when I loved my W and son. But there I was.

I used my own $ to go home after 4 weeks, which was a very good thing, since my crush was my assigned partner for the next 4 weeks. The instant I saw my W I understood: I was lonely. If my W had been with me, I'd have wanted the woman as a friend for both of us, but that's all. My W sensed something during my visit, and we talked about it. I told her I knew it was a crush due to loneliness and that I thought it was over. She was skeptical. I knew words weren't very helpful, but that's all I could give.

For the rest of the class, I admired my ex-crush, marveled at her sexiness, and when I felt lonely or horny, thoughts/fantasies of my W came up in my mind automatically. My crush was over.

The crush had elements of an EA, but I don't see it as one. Still these aren't my happiest memories - although we were the top lab team in the class.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:03 AM, June 21st (Friday)]

Knowing- I agree with the slippery slope. His PA was 4 years of EA/ crush. After he had numerous EA/crushes. He said he would stop them before he imagined being physical with them as his ONS left him feeling horrible.also that litmus test is one i have repeated often thru the years.

J99- I agree anything that takes from the M...

Sisoon- top lab team- no surprise. I think I have mixed emotions. In some ways I feel his were harmless as he never spoke to these women..except one but never anything personal. On the other hand I have issues with the time he spent thinking of these women and not his W. think I will have him ask in IC and see what she thinks.i know she told him when he was looking at porn it was like having an affair so she may feel so is a crush.it may be me making excuses for him as he has done a 360 in our M. Shoot, I think I might have a crush on him!

My FWH and I were having our daily chat and we discussed the crush/ affair. I shared the posting from here. Then I got thinking...(tmi) when masterbasting (sp) you use your imagination...maybe of someone you have a crush on....see where I am going with this? Where is the line?

But how different is a crush on a real person one knows from one on a movie star or other celebrity?

If I get - or conjure up - an image of the young Sophia Loren during sex, is that betrayal? How about if I get an image of having sex in Boulder, while we're in Dallas? Or if I imagine myself looking like Paul Newman during sex?

My initial answer is that I think fantasies during sex are best kept private, because they're probably unavoidable. At the same time, if an image of an ap or possible ap comes up, one should change the fantasy right quick. (I'm not totally happy with this answer.)

ETA - this is probably a T/J - sorry.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:46 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

My H had a LTEA.

This entailed secrets, lies, unprovoked anger towards me, and being an all around fuckin' asshat!

There were 2 people in this A.

A crush usually is just one-sided, hidden feelings. Most, if not all, crushes go unspoken. And unacted upon, IMHO.

To me, the difference is one of reciprocity on the part of the other person. A crush, to me, is one-sided....so long as it stays that way. If at some point both people have feelings for one another, and especially if they acknowledge it, it becomes an EA. I always think back to "Not Just Friends"...basically, the idea that as human beings, we are inevitably going to come into contact with people who are both interesting AND attractive to you. Being in love with your spouse or SO won't prevent that. The real key, I imagine, is that the person with the crush does not bring it up TO that person, and definitely does not alter anything about their life in order to accommodate the crushee's desires or likes, and that any interaction is to be kept mostly brief and to the point. Just my opinion. I don't know that ALL crushes take away from the relationship. One of my ex-GFs and all her coworkers all had crushes on the UPS guy who made deliveries. He was (I assume) handsome, and from what I was told, charming and/or flirty in a fairly non-threatening manner. I don't know that this occasional interaction was taking anything away from anyone's relationship, you know?

I had an emotional relationship about 4 years ago when me and my H were split up for 6 months. At that point he was still "faithfull", he had an EA with just about every girl that walked into his line of vision. He figured as long as he was fully dressed that it couldn't be considered cheating but I felt very much cheated on. I got sick of his ego, his bitching and his accusing me of things I had never done to anyone, especially him. My friend from middle school contacted me a couple months before I left my H (then fiance). I began talking to my friend on a daily basis and he was on the rocks with his ex so we had plenty to talk about and bond over. We talked about everything and even made a pact that if we were ever both single at the same time in the future we would give it try. We only met up once and thats when I knew I wanted to be with my H. Yes, he made me feel special but I couldn't risk my relationship for this guy. I went back to my H, he was good for a while but his ass hole persona came back with a vengeance. Thats why I cant wrap my mind around why he kept digging a deeper hole, even after he decided he wanted me back. It took him having sex that he says he didnt want to begin with to realize he fucked up big time. So you may consider what I did an EA but I took a step back to see the bigger picture instead of having a full blown PA. I couldve had the OM if I wanted but I chose not to but hes never made me feel like that made a difference until lately. Idk if my story helps but the lines that separate a crush and an EA differs depending on who you ask. Good luck

My D-Day 2 was finding an email my husband sent to the girl who did his payroll inviting her out to drink and play golf. Later that night, drunk, he told me he had "a little crush" on her (he denies now that he had a crush, but says he did get an ego boost from talking to her).

After we filed for divorce, he continued to google search her linked in profile, text her inane things, including pictures of stuff like his car, the water park that WE were at with our daughter. He emailed her all kinds of stuff.

She was friendly enough back to him, but I feel like she was just being polite because he was a client. I saw pretty much all the interaction between them - it was driven by him. But each interaction in and of itself wasn't bad - and I wouldn't call it an EA. I do think it was a crush - it was one-sided. I think that's the difference. And there wasn't any deep emotional stuff shared.

It sucks ass when your spouse has a crush on someone who isn't you, but I do think they are different from EAs.