(((Preggo))) First, I'm so sorry. Infidelity plus pregnancy is hell. Just sheer hell.
Hormones, the enormity of becoming a parent---and the need to feel safe in order to provide a safe and secure home for your baby---just wow. I really do feel for you.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but your husband is being a blameshifting jackass.
He "shared" because he wants you to stop harshing his affair mellow by reminding his girlfriend he's got a pregnant wife.
So please, stop the "I'm sorry I contacted Trixie; I shouldn't have" stuff. YOU ARE MARRIED TO THE MAN. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CONTACT ANY OTHER WOMAN WHO IS INTRUDING ON YOUR MARRIAGE.
Chances are, she's been told a whole bunch of nonsense about you. How you've grown apart. How he hasn't loved you in years. How you don't have sex, or don't understand him, or any one of forty million bullshit things cheating men tell their whores every single day.
It's all textbook, and there's NOTHING unique about their "love."
He's a cheater, and he's got a willing whore, that's all. No matter how you slice it, that's what you're dealing with.
The question is this: What is he going to do about it?
For starters, the, "The SSRIs made me do it" is utter bullshit.
Antidepressants can have adverse effects. Lips and other body parts colliding are NOT among them. That he's scurrying around the Internet looking for things to blame rather than shouldering responsibility is ...well, kind of pathetic. The mirror is where he needs to look.
Sometimes, when depression is lifted, people do things they did not have energy to do prior. This is why there is an increased suicide risk during the early stages of antidepressant therapy.
I have a strong, strong background in pharmacology (as in, have written textbooks), and never have I heard the, "An SSRI made me have an affair" side effect. It doesn't exist. Do people do wacky things when they are depressed, or emerging from depression? Sometimes. Unless their depressions have segued into psychosis, they retain full control of their actions.
Your husband is having an affair because he's choosing to have an affair. He has poor boundaries, blames things other than himself, and CHOOSES to cheat.
So. That leaves the important question: what's he going to do about it?
Is he going to work hard to become the partner you deserve, and the parent your child deserves?
Is he going to continue with his lame bullshit, making the joyous time he's already irrevocably tarnished even worse, or is he going to step up to the plate?
Has he told Trixie to get lost, that he's married, and wants no further contact with her by ANY means?
Is he prepared to significantly revise the way he does business---even change jobs, if that's what it takes to make you comfortable? (Ideal? No. But ideal is what you have before your husband cheats; after, he's responsible for working to regain trust, and this can require many sacrifices. Only you can define what you need. The things you need will be the result of his choices. Will he accept responsibility and make the necessary changes?)
You do not need to apologize for activities you needed to do to verify/refute what your gut was telling you. We have instincts for a reason, and you had reason to believe your husband was cheating. You were right.
The ball is now in his court. The one thing I wish I'd realized far sooner was that we can't control anyone's thoughts, feelings, or actions but our own. In other words, there's no need for you to beg or plead or try to make yourself more attractive to him.
Just focus on what YOU need. Clearly state, for him, what YOU require. "I need for you to send a no contact letter to this woman." "I need for you to stick to male clients until I feel safer." Your list will be different from others', but might include things like no contact, individual counseling and, once he's learned better coping tools (and has stopped blaming you, meds, or anything other than his own lousy choices for his actions), marriage counseling.
Prepare for your needs to evolve as time passes, and the enormity of the betrayal creeps in. Right now, you're focused on other things--quite rightly. Over time, your needs may change. Your husband needs to be prepared to accept this; the fallout he experiences is due to his choices, not yours.
In your shoes, I'd table marriage counseling. Until your husband is remorseful and accepting responsibility for his actions, there is no sense in going to MC, and it in fact can be very damaging to the BS. The LAST thing you need is to sit in someone's office and be told that your deficiencies or deficiencies in the marriage caused something for which ONLY YOUR HUSBAND is responsible.
In the meantime, I'd read the Healing Library. It's in the yellow box to the left. In particular, I'd focus on the BS FAQ #11. It addresses what we call the 180. It's a method of detaching enough to gain enough emotional distance that you can make more clear-headed decisions. (It sometimes has the effect of making a WS see what s/he stands to lose, but this is secondary; it is geared toward giving YOU strength.)
MOST importantly--and I know this is difficult because I still struggle with it---is making sure that you eat and drink. Especially now, hydration is crucial for you; with a baby on the way, you just can't afford to become dehydrated.
If you can't eat (I vomited for months), get some good-quality protein supplements. If you don't have dairy issues, whey protein isolate is generally more bioavailable than soy, and poses fewer risks. (There is some controversy about the estrogenic properties of soy, and most experts now recommend no more than 1-2 servings a day; when pregnant, you might want to be more conservative.) Do take your prenatal vitamin, but make sure you have a little something in your stomach. If you can, gentle exercise each day--a nice walk--is one of the best stress-relievers. It will also help you sleep. As for sleep, rest when you can; this infidelity business can make it awfully hard to sleep, and most doctors are reluctant to prescribe meds or recommend OTC sleep aids during pregnancy.
The next few weeks will be hard enough without the addition of infidelity. Think about what will make you feel safe and comfortable. That is what matters most right now.
Having "dealt" with infidelity during a pregnancy, I will caution you that the impulse is to "get over it" quickly. Please be sure that you require the work necessary to REALLY recover and reconcile---or to determine that this is not possible. The alternative is ...well, either a continuation of the infidelity or a sort of "dry drunk" situation. The latter refers to when an alcoholic stops drinking, but does not really enter recovery. S/he may be technically "sober," but retains the disordered thinking characteristic of an alcoholic. Without the hard recovery work, and the attendant shift in thinking patterns, the risk of recidivism is very, very high. Worse, there IS NO RECOVERY. It's just...treading water, remaining toxic if "sober."
Take it from a woman who lived with a "dry drunk" (as relates to infidelity) for over two decades: it is soul-crushing.
If you do nothing else now, make clear that you expect your husband to dig deep, find the REAL reasons infidelity was, to him, an acceptable response to whatever angst he might feel, and to do the HARD work to (a) gather new coping tools, and (b) repair the horrendous, horrendous damage he's done to you, your marriage, and your family at a time that is supposed to be joyous.
As a little footnote, I'd like to gently suggest that you be mindful of the possibility of postpartum depression, and to talk with your doctor about this so that you can get prompt intervention if it arises.
Less tiny is something difficult to think about, but something really important: I'd ask for the STD panel to be re-run. I shifted from Group B strep negative to positive during my last pregnancy; I never would have known, if my own doctor hadn't been on vacation (this was before electronic records); we were waffling about VBAC, and the doctor on call retested me--THANK GOD. Strep B is the leading cause of neonatal pneumonia and death in the U.S. It's screened for routinely, but if your husband has had sex with a woman for whom it's part of the normal vaginal flora, you may now harbor it. It's not a risk to you, but it IS a risk to the baby, requiring prophylactic antibiotics.
I know your husband says he did not have sex. He may be telling the truth (and I genuinely hope he is), but the risk, at this point, is awfully high; I'd ask for testing. (And I am so, so sorry to bring ANYTHING up to increase your anxiety at this time; I know how it hurts to have what should be the best time of your life so thoroughly tarnished. Just know: you're going to love your baby in ways you can only now imagine, and NOTHING will tarnish that---I promise.)
I am so, so sorry for your pain, and so wish you did not have any occasion to ever find us. But I'm glad you're here.
Millions of hugs to you.