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I'm in a restaurant with SO right now. One of his favorites. It is 2 blocks away from my old job where I met OM and where many of my old coworkers still work and about 20 blocks away from the last place we were aware OM works. When entering the neighborhood my heart clenches. The longer we stay the worse I feel. I don't know if I'm going to be able to choke down my meal when it comes. I thought I'd conquered the anxiety but all the horrible memories have hit me back to back. Feeling sick to my stomach now. Thanks for listening.

ETA: SO seems fine but he barely talks to me anymore. I'm trying to smile and engage and make this a good day but my efforts are failing. It doesn't help that we had an argument before we left home over something silly household related. I am aware this is probably worse for him but outwardly he is acting like its any other day.

[This message edited by Unagie at 2:34 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

Have you expressed how you feel about these things? You say that your intent is to just "choke it down" ... have you thought about talking through these feelings?

ETA: If he isn't willing to listen, then there's a bigger problem.

[This message edited by KBeguile at 7:46 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

^^^^bingo. He does not want to discuss anything about my A.

Then you have much bigger fish to fry, particularly in the form of his reluctance to work through these problems.

Sorry.

ETA: If he isn't willing to listen, then there's a bigger problem.

KB, I disagree. If Unagie's SO doesn't want to talk about it, IMO she should respect his wishes. He gets to decide how to process his feelings: not she. If that means sitting quietly in a restaurant with her, so be it. My BH and I went out last night and he was quiet, said he was feeling empty. I asked him if it was OK if I just filled the silence with banal small talk, and he was good with that. An hour in something I said made him laugh, it was a great moment. Didn't last, but it was nice.

If Unagie's SO doesn't want to talk about it, IMO she should respect his wishes

Except he passively aggressively continues to punish her and doesn't own his own shit. So, in this case there needs to be communication and willingness to work on the issues in the M.

Allowing the BS to stay quiet if he/she needs to, and not communicating altogether or working on how to move forward through this are two very different things, IMO.

Except he passively aggressively continues to punish her and doesn't own his own shit

And she has chosen to sit in this situation and take it. After there has been many people here that have offered her support should she chose to leave.

Choosing to stay in this situation has become it's own form of martyrdom.

Unagie, he has made his position clear to you almost from the start, that he was not in this thing with you. You continue to need his forgiveness and love to move forward with your life. What are you going to do if he never gives it?

Leave. I am not trying to be a martyr and come here to vent because holding it in hurts too much. I want no regrets, I want to feel like I gave this everything I have. I have yet to come to a point where I feel I should leave. I don't mean I am incapable of being alone or out of this relationship rather I feel like maybe there's still something to save. Perhaps that's foolish or perhaps I am being hard headed. Whatever it is this is how I feel. We have been together a decade, and many here have been together longer and have given me amazing support and advice. I am not tossing that to the side, I am truly trying to make a choice that will allow me to move forward with happiness and peace in my life again. This choice does not come easily nor is it one I am taking lightly. I am sure I will get to the point where if his behavior continues I will leave. That isn't even easy to type. I see his anger, his pain buried beneath all of it, maybe that's what makes me keep reaching out. As foolish as it seems to many that I stay I am not looking for punishment or martyrdom. I am looking for R. Everyday the choice that must be made is in front of me and everyday adds to one way or the other. Thank you all for giving me more to consider. TG as always your posts hit a nerve that makes me think. I can assuredly say though it did not make me angry. It made me sit back and figure out why I continue to take this treatment. Martyrdom is not the reason, continued suffering is not the reason, rather a consequence. The reason for me being in this situation lays squarely with me and my continued decision to stay and fight for this relationship. I am sure if it continues I will eventually realize there is nothing left and will leave. I feel that moment becoming clearer and closer. Thank you everyone.

Treading lightly, BS here. I'm not trying to make you paranoid but is it possible that this is some sort of passive-aggressive behavior of his? My ex would have done something like this to torture me to remind me of my shortcomings. I didn't cheat on him but he accused me of it many times and would go out of his way to do this kind of stuff to me. You two need to talk about it, I think.

Sorry, just going off this one post, not familiar with their whole story. Sounds like a tough situation, but I guess they all are.

Hi Unagie,

I can feel your pain emanating from your post. But please don't give up, be strong even when it is hard, things will get better you are not even a year out yet. I know things are hard but let me share a story. When me and H went to Maui for our 10th anniversary we decided to climb mt. Haleakala one day, and it was in December so it was pretty cold there. Well me and H head out on a path through the Mt to the other side where there was a valley. We did not know what the valley was going to look like though so we were just going to go as far as we could for as long as we could handle. The path was cold, and foggy and I gave up after awhile and headed back and waited cold and miserable for my H to return. He went on and saw a very beautiful, lush, sunny valley just around the corner from where I quit. If I had kept going I could have enjoyed that beautiful scene with him. I regret quitting, and have heard many who have quit on their relationships say they regret it too.

Get through it by imagining that in the end you two will be stronger than ever. Be as patient as you would if you had just met him. Don't fill in the blanks with your negative thought. You will talk things out eventually but right now he needs time to be a pouting boy. You will have your moments too. Step back and pick your battles, and most important fake it till you make it, act happy, force a smile, it may cheer him up. Don't smile at your stuff smile at him, act happy to be with and near him, it will do wonders I promise. Not every time but enough times.

Unagie,

My BW fought for R and for our M. It took about 2 years for me to turn myself around and commit to R. 2 years of limbo.

My own opinion is that your WBF is going to hold onto whatever he's holding onto until the very end. I don't think he will own his shit. But, you will never know for sure if you don't make the effort.

I don't know how you make it through some days. You have a lot of strength somewhere inside you to be able to continue on in this relationship. I hope whatever happens that you continue to heal and to become the person you want to be. It's just hard to see any indication that your SO has that same capability.

I'm reading and taking in. Thanks guys. Unfortunately if it keeps going this way I do not think my strength will stay.

Except he passively aggressively continues to punish her and doesn't own his own shit.

Who the hell knows how to get him to open up. Sounds like he has his own fish to fry.

I have some of this in me but in comes from a place of being excessively patient now. At first I demanded! I yelled. I engaged.

You seem like a good egg Unagie, perhaps some straight talk from you or with the assistance of MC would help. Does the guy even know how to talk about it?

One of the things my W used to say an struggles with is that after her A she felt like she didn't have a foot to stand on asking for things from me. It was crap, but it was the place she was. Are you there? If so, maybe you should call his shit out.

take care....

Couple of things.

I understand that the neighborhood might be a trigger for you. It might not be for him, though. People are different. He may not want to discuss your affair anymore. His choice.

Unagie, your boyfriend may not be engaged anymore. He has done his own thing from the very beginning whether it was something that hurt you or not.

You can choose to stay. You can choose to leave. The thing about "never give up" is that life is not a movie. The plucky underdog guy/girl keeps loving inspite of everything done to them to have the love interest "wake up" to what they have and ride off into the sunset.

Look at what you really have. A man that has never considered your feelings and had strong healthy boundaries.

I've posted before and strongly believe... Broken people just bleed together. That's it.

UO I see what your saying I just want to clarify one thing because I want to be sure I read it correctly. Do you mean he has strong healthy boundaries?

Wert I do feel at times I have no leg to stand on. I have attempted to talk to him about it. Perhaps I am doing it wrong I don't know.

I am not trying to live a movie or think he will magically wake up. Never give up is not my end goal, I just have not reached my breaking point. I have come close. I have felt like I wouldn't want to wake up the next day. My family and friends do not understand why I'm still here so I rarely vent to them anymore. I come here or I just cry it out and move on. This is not how I want to live. I don't understand why something in me keeps saying not yet, you have a little more left in you. I feel like I'm not articulating what I'm trying to get out. I think underneath it all I'm doing all this because I'm the one who caused it so I should be the one putting the work in. The sensible part of me tells me you caused your A not his and not how he is choosing to deal with it all but then this other side of me feels like he would not be acting this way if I had not cheated to begin with. Then it loops. I'm obviously still working on my issues and hangups or I'd be in a more stable place mentally. I'm not sure if this is coming out right again I'm kind of typing as the thoughts fly through my mind.