SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had a great nanny job and that job ended way earlier than expected due to family moving. So for the past 4 months I have been looking for another nanny position.

The problem: Families require a background check. Not a problem I thought! Well big problem. When a search of state,county records, it shows "Repeat Violence"

I was like WTF?? Then I clicked on court documents and it hits me!! I had put a restraining order on MOW during the A. At the time my H DENIED the A had gone underground. Well MOW snuck up to our house late at night ...around 3 ish AM. she climbed our master bathroom window and snapped pictures of my H and I in bed! I found out several days later when I see H trying to climb the window to figure out how the hell she could have climbed it. Later that day he tells me that MOW is crazy and tells me what she did. Hmmm how did he know? She called him and he went to see her she argued with him that he had been lying all along about not even sleeping in the same room as me...

Blah blah blah . He felt I should get a restraining order. I got one and needed to go to court two weeks later. Well I got the court papers with date and then he wanted me to forget it and not even show up in court. I said no and that was a huge fight. I went to court and she was there of course. She was texting for like an hour as we waited to be called in. Well she was texting my H! I knew because he called me that moment yelling his head off telling me why did I go to court to just drop this shit etc...

I was hurt and furious because he in so many words was defending her. The judge could not give me a permanent restraining order because I needed my H to testify that MOW told him what she did and she showed him the pics of us in bed!

That was almost 3 years ago and that restraining order now haunts me :(

Families see that in my record "repeat violence" and don't want to hear an explanation. They don't even know what it means unless they click on "court documents" where it shows that I put the restraining order against someone and I have never EVER had anything on my record.

I don't even know what to feel. I'm feeling down because I haven't found work in 4 months and we need the income. Ugh!!!! Just had to vent

Talk about a slap in the face! Ohmygosh, what are you going to do? Can you include a pdf of the RO with your other application & resume info so people know what they're seeing when they run a background on you?

If you are really in R, this is something he needs to make amends for. Consult a lawyer with him telling what a cheating coward he was and see if any of those records can be changed or noted.

He needs to write a signed affidavit for you to include in your job applications stating this is his issue and you were not in any way at fault and have in fact handled everything with grace, dignity...and no drama or violence.

Yes. This is a mess. I'm sorry for your situation.

Straight talk below:

Unfortunately, restraining orders aren't the biggest problem. As a potential employer, how would I know that your H doesn't have another crazy, stalker woman that he is having an A with? I wouldn't want my children exposed to this drama and dysfunction. And, would I see it as a reflection of your judgement that you have chosen to stay with this man? Right or wrong, I would.

Sorry. I hope he's worth it. He has negatively impacted your life, again.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 6:48 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

As a prospective employer, I would see the RO as a responsible adult taking charge of their safety. I know 4 months is a long time to be unemployed, it took me 7 months to find anything, and others are still waiting for employment after years. I believe you will find something. Perhaps you could include in your cover letter that you are a strong advocate for safety. It wasn't your fault, nor will it ever be that you had to issue an RO. That ow was crazy and reckless and you took care of it by following the proper guidelines with the law. You were not, are not irresponsible. You took care of it.

Prior to becoming a SAHM, I was often part of hiring committees. I would not mention the RO in cover letters. Instead at the interview, usually near the end, the interviewer will ask if there are any questions or comments. At that point, say that in doing their security searches, the will find your name associated with domestic violence. Bring copies of the documentation and show them that you are not the wrongdoer. Reassure them that these incidents are in the past and your former employer will vouch for you. Tell them that you are being upfront and honest about this and please feel free to verify this information. Then thank them for being open minded for considering you. Talk in a neutral tone, without flashes of anger, just a matter of fact tone. In my experience, applicants who are upfront get credit for doing so.

Hope this helps.

I could be in the minority, but I would not hire a nanny that had taken a RO out against another person. The reason being, they found someone to be a big enough menace to warrant a RO, so my kids could be in danger's way while with the person who took out the RO.

I would know it wasn't the fault of the person needing to RO, but I wouldn't risk my kids with someone who had someone harassing or threatening them in any way.

After reading your story, I too would have a hard time hiring you as a nanny for my children.. If the potential employer is able to click on that & see that your WH would not testify & you are still with this man then that is a red flag.

I would not hire someone who is staying with a man who wouldn't help protect his wife.. How would I know he isn't still in an A with crazy OW & she is going to start stalking you with my children..

do you see what a person could think??

I also think the bigger picture is also why your WH wouldn't testify.,. have you two addressed that at all? He seemed to be protecting the OW instead of you!

I would go to the courts & ask that it be removed from the records (not sure if you can) good luck

We are have been in true R for almost 2 yrs.I think there are consequences for BS because of our WS, in one way or another.

At the time of the A he became a stranger, right and wrong were the same thing to him. When we began true R and he took it upon himself to do it the right way, he personally apologized to all my family members individually. When I first heard of being able to look up anyone by county just by entering their name...I was horrified to see what showed up in my name...the RO.

When I talked to my H about this, the remorse and sadness was clear on his face. He apologized for not being there that horrible day. He said he just believed what she said and her promise...he said he learned very shortly after and in fact he wanted to put an RO against her, I did NOT intend to be there in court if he did. That was like 3 months after I went to court. By then he witnessed all the shit she was lying about. He would not hesitate writing an affidavit stating the facts. The main issue for me is that this is the worst humiliating thing to tell a potential employer during an interview. This mess never really leaves you, it lies there dormant but it pops up when you least expect. He has learned that the hard way.

Offhispedestal, having your name on a court record of this nature isn't a very good thing for a person in the childcare industry. It doesn't mean that you'll never be hired as a nanny again. I think it will take time but the right family will eventually come along.

While waiting for that family, try focusing on how you would have felt if you wanted to go to court but couldn't due to your profession- how it would look to potential future employers.

I don't know about you, but I would have gone CRAZY with rage thinking she won. She held the cards. She fucked my husband and climbed my house to take photos of me asleep and there's nothing I can do if I ever want to work again!

IDK, it would have been the catalyst that made me D my WH- not the affair.

Yup, I would have gone to court...then found a new line of work!

I did not give it a second thought to get an RO against her. As soon as I found this out I went to court the next morning after it happened. The only satisfaction I got was being able to read out loud the several texts she sent after she found out that I knew she took pics. She said she would go to her grave to have him. There must have been 50-60 people in that court room. I could hear the people gasping and the judge shaking her head at MOW. MOW her head down like 4 ft away from me. The judge bent over and whispered in between MOW and I telling me "you have proof of 1 instance of harassment, you needed your H here or the actual picture and I would have granted you the RO indefinitely" the officer escorted MOW out and told me to stay inside a minute. As I walked out I felt so angry and humiliated. People were stopping me along the way telling me they believed me etc.. And that bi--- would get what she deserved. I saw MOW rush into the bathroom to hide, a cop was blocking the bathroom.

This was the worst thing that H did.

Not the A, not the lies etc...this.

It took me over a yr to get over. H had to do A LOT and still has remorse breakdowns where he can't stop crying when he triggers and has to face what he did. I let him break down, I have little emotion when he does. I feel that he needs to feel that pain. I went through it on my own. If a WS has no clue what any of that pain feels like for BS its like its doomed to happen again. I don't know..just random thoughts