SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Damaged71, I feel your pain. I've tried to read the responses (but I too have a 4 yr old and she interrupts frequently!) I think a lot of the advice is good, though mixed. You're still in a very volatile period. One year out isn't that long. You've been through a lot, and feeling angry, wanting to be selfish, etc. is a normal part of that.

Your wife is lucky that you're willing to share your feelings and discuss what's in your head. Personally I think you have a lot to fight for... your WS messed up big time and has a lot to lose. She knows that. Personally I think you would get a lot of healing out of some counseling. Tell her you need HER to find someone and make an appointment pronto. I think she'll do it.

It sounds to me like you need more answers, more talk time, more work to repair the hurt. Maybe she doesn't have time or attention to read books but she can show up to appointments and have conversations to address the wrongs. It sounds like your relationship is in a place where a lot of good can be done. Better to do it with a professional present to keep from doing more harm than good. Keep those conversations on track so she doesn't end up feeling beaten down and want to give up too.

For me, the sticking point is the little one that would be most affected if we split. No bad relationship is worth staying in for that reason alone, but if you have a chance at rebuilding (and you can see good in the marriage when D-day anniversary isn't reminding you of the bad) then you owe it to your little guy to try and work things out.

No matter what happens with your marriage, you will have contact with her for the rest of his childhood. As you know, parenting is hard enough when doing it together, so I think if you can rekindle the love you have for his mother, everyone is better off. Just My Opinion.

I think you are bitter because your wife is unremorseful. While you can do all the "heal thyself" work in the world, she will continue to rub you raw if you stay with her and she doesn't do the work she needs to do to fix this.

I'd set up some demands and reinforce your boundaries. Some waywards needs pushing, but they eventually get it and make the changes they need. Some will resist forever. If you don't push, you don't know which type you have.

I would do something like give her 2 weeks to read Not Just Friends, or you will consider moving out. Something along those lines. I mean, really. She had an affair and she doesn't "have time" to read a fucking book? There is nothing more totally selfish than that.

Featherweight - I feel bad for our son. He will suffer more than anyone over this. I have asked her on several occasions to set up counseling. She can't seem to be bothered by all of this and hasn't done it. We already had a MC we were seeing. We quit going because she was still in contact with the OM. I figured our participation was pointless if that was going on and stopped. All she has to do is call and make an appointment. She can't be bothered to do that and I this point I'm not doing a single thing to bridge the gap at this point. I have lived my life being VERY accommodating to everyone around me, her included. I stopped the other day and proclaimed to her I had stopped. It has only brought me grief and I have no incentive to do it.

Essentially my wife has done nothing other than go to IC to fix our marriage. (That's what she says but she was going before D-day so she is doing it just for her).

The last straw for me was this. I came back from a business trip. (I travel a lot). I was gone 3 days and she spent the evening on facebook in the other room. I complained about it and she played the victim. Last week, guess what happened? I never said a word and went to bed. I got up the next morning only to hear her complaining about her life. I told her I was done. I was done being nice for everyone else.

I told her the other day that keeping up the charade wasn't necessary. I'm not "in love" with her and she isn't "in love" with me. I also told her that I never thought it would be the way it was in the past again. Actually what she did was try to turn herself into the victim so I could comfort her. I saw her playing that card and called her on it. She stopped.

I think anything now will be too little too late. After a year of telling her I will do ANYTHING to save my marriage and her not lifting a finger, I think says it all.

Rebreather, I am in the same camp as you and have told her as much. I told her you put as much time into your activities as you did and you don't have time to read a book, sorry I ain't buying it....

ETA, I just realized what the deal is in one simple statement.

There is something very wrong with my marriage, me reading yet another book isn't going to fix it. I need to accept that.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 12:16 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I think if ultimatums dont work then get out while the gettins still good. If my fWH wouldnt have turned around as soon as he did, Id be long gone. I realized that I was enabling his bad behavior pre A and he admits it too. My fWH doesn't plan on going back to his old ways and I don't plan on letting him or sticking around if he ever does. Your a strong person to have held on so long and if your really done with her, take what youve learned and make your next relationship more fulfilling. Like I always tell people, "You don't have to put up with other people making your life miserable, you deserve to be happy for YOUR entire life." Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 7:10 PM, July 1st (Monday)]