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We've talked about it and for now we won't make any decisions on schools etc as school and daycare are done in 3 days and closed for the summer. We will then evaluate how my bs is doing. We will balance that with what is best for our kids. We like that it is a small school of only about 200 students but my bs deserves to be happy and not feel like she is going to have a panic attack when she thinks about the situation. Rest assured that I will not be doing it on purpose to see the obs. He deserves the same respect as my wife as he was hurt too. We will continue marriage counselling as this is helping us a lot, especially since he also does give us individual things to work on.

[This message edited by sicktomy at 6:40 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Sounds like a good plan, sicktomy.

I totally get wanting to end the pain. I'm glad you've stepped back to find another approach to that.

My hope is that the two of you realize how close you are to becoming an ID channel show, but from the cold fury I sense, I don't think you do. Please get some help.

Sicktomy, I encourage you to find another school. The current school may be truly wonderful, but surely it is not the only good school for your children. What are the things about the school that you and your BW like? Rank them. Note the one or two things that a school must have, and the one or two things that are completely unacceptable. Then start looking, and have your kids in a new school before the next school year starts.

Please. It is the kindest thing to do for all concerned -- your kids, their kids, the two BSs. And frankly, it will up the chances of you and your AP seeing or talking to each other. I don't see how you can have NC with the situation the way

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 8:57 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

I'm going to chime in late. I think that it's great that sicktomy (and his BS) are using this board to get input BEFORE putting anything in place. It seems they are both hurting and maybe not in the best place emotionally to make decisions so asking for advice is a really positive thing. I hope that most people here wouldn't feel constrained from asking for input, even if replies are from those who are aghast at it.

Sicktomy,

I feel so much pain in your situation. I don't know how your BS stands every day not knowing when or if she will encounter the OW, and to have to handle herself in front of her children when she does. This seems like the biggest torture, not a way to live life day by day. And to encounter the hostility of the OW with her childishly sticking her tongue out at her? In front of children? This is a toxic environment for all. Probably a move would work wonders, to a new neighborhood, new school. Sounds like your maybe assign more blame to the OW and thats why you went with the "get her out" option instead of leaving yourself. Or you want to avoid your children's disruption as you now want to protect your family as much as possible. But that can't be at the expense of the other BS, other children, which I think you know and didn't really want. I think there was desperation in your suggestion. It doesn't seem like the other family has any intention of leaving even if you think it would be easier for them than you. Please bring some harmony into your home by relocating, out of the school and the neighborhood where there would still be run ins. Hugs to your BS, I hope she can get through her days and find some peace for herself, her children, her family. After all,, with all the anxiety about this situation, you hurt your children as they have two anxious, upset, fearful parents. You need to insert harmony and peace at your home and you can't wait for other people's actions to make that happen. Be proactive.

When kids are young, we parents think schools are just everything in life and if we get the school wrong, all will go wrong. Not true.

One of the "best" schools in our city turned out to have had some of the worst problems imaginable by the time my kid had graduated from a not-quite-as-good school. For an example, read online at how many pricey "Ivy League" feeder schools have had scandals with pervy teachers and faked test scores to understand that doing the best for your children may not necessarily be staying in the school everyone fights to get in for admittance.

Preschoolers won't fail in life if they learn French at home instead of in first grade.

I'm chiming in here a bit late and everyone may have left the party but....

I am many many many years out (to the point where I "noted" it was dday antiversary several days after the actual day). In my case fOP was a close friend. Her children were close to my children. Over the course of the years (both immediately after and years along) our children have been at the same school, bday and holiday parties as well as on the same sports teams (where there is consistent contact sometimes several times per week). When it was new, and raw, I considered many times how to change it. Mostly, I considered pulling MY children out of the school/party/team as I held no ill will to her children that had no reason to be further hurt by the A. I put myself in the line of fire for the most part- being at school, dropping off and picking up at parties, going to games. For me it was less difficult than sending FWS and wondering what their contact might be.

Now, years later, its not even front of mind. She is a parent of children that my kids know. Nothing more or less. Sure that took time. But I sometimes think by toughing it out I created a natural coping mechanism. How much I love my kids, how much I cared for her kids was just bigger than a need to sooth my fear and pain. As it was, all of them suffered enough.

Again, this is MY situation. I just wanted to put out there that how you are both feeling now is not neccesarily how you will feel as time passes. But pulling your kids (or trying to out their kids) could have very long-lasting impacts for them. Ones they simply do not deserve.

sunandmoon

Whatever your decision....make sure it includes you dealing with your actions by dealing with your children and spouse and not trying to force the other couple to do your job for you by proxy.

sicktomy

You have no legal grounds to keep their kids out of that school, much less the moral high ground to think they should go and you should get to stay.

And why would you want to cause anxiety to a BS? If you are wanting to do this, then it just may be the other BS could get a restraining order on you for harassment and you just might have to end up taking your kids out of that school.

Neither my BS or the other BS did anything to deserve the pain me and the affair partner caused and neither of them should have to deal with more pain. Our kids and their kids should not be impacted as well.

NOW you are talking sensibly.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:33 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

sicktomy,

i don't want to pile on here. I "get" that you are trying to do everything you can to right your wrong and support your WS. I also "get" that she is sick of running into the other people. I would hate that.

So.. i'm not going to condemn you for bouncing some ideas off here. True to form, the good people of SI have pointed out that it would be an unfair thing to do.

I just wanted to point out how dangerous it could be if you ever start thinking that way again. I don't know what the other guy is like. Maybe you can intimidate him, dominate him. But maybe you don't know him as well as you think. For example, people think I'm really easy going, because basically i am. But my WW's AP left the state because he was afraid of me. he literally left the state.

How do you know the other guy wouldn't try to kill you? You fucked his wife. You wouldn't be the first one murdered because of that, particularly if you started swaggering around trying to be a dick? KWIM? Doesn't have to be a big swaggering Texan to take you out. It could be a little, wimpy, quiet guy that can't handle the humiliation and betrayal anymore, that feels you took everything he has away from him, his pride, his wife, his dignity,and is ready to crack.

You don't know what other people are capable of. at least that's my opinion.

anyway, i wish you both luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:09 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

I completely understand the feelings of your BS and NC. It's a lot easier to manage NC when children/schools are not involved.

We don't have the children in school dilemma. We have dealt with NC in a somewhat similar situation over the years. Like you, we did not expose or draw mutual friends and colleages into the affair details after D-Day. Because of that, it became clear that OW was going to let people believe her "trimmed down" version of what really happened. In other words, grossly minimizing the length of the A and denying the PA.

There are functions and events scheduled at WSO's place of business, WHERE the A began and progressed from EA to PA. Our R decision was if OW shows up, we are out of there. WSO runs these events with his employees. Some of the mutual people who thought they were in the know, didn't understand and questioned our decision. Why? Because they did not know the truth.

This whole thing turned around when several mutual friends(in different instances) asked WSO or said something to the effect that whatever went on wasn't any big deal, there wasn't any sex, etc. WSO stepped forward and admitted he had an affair with OW and it was also sexual. Initially I was upset that WSO had devulged information that we had agreed not to expose. Now I am very glad he did speak up.

This made a world of difference in our NC situation. OW lives out of town, has a home here, and when visiting always manages to return to WSO's place of business(and major location of the A) OW no longer shows up at the events or functions and if we hear or see that she is coming to his place of business, we arrange not to be there.

You could say we are doing everything we can to adhere to NC. I believe OW has backed off now that she knows WSO is prepared and willing to expose/admit the truth. People thought we were overacting until some of the truth was told by WSO.

You have your children to consider which must be an excruciating part of your NC and R. I truly believe that NC in our case was/is paramount. I feel very sorry for your BS in this situation. Her anxiety and pain are real. If you didn't have children/school, what would your course of action be regarding NC and what would you as a couple be willing to do as far as changing jobs, locations, etc.? Maybe that would be a good place to start and get some clarity as a united couple in R so that you can

do what is best for our family.

The two BS's should take the kids to school/events and be sure to shoot each other knowing- "why the hell did our spouses potentially screw this up for the kids"

That was my attempt levity. Sort of- I have to drive by the highschool where my WS had sex with the principal (not the biggest deal) every day and every fall I teach mock trial to students from said highschool and said principal shows up at competition- big deal. If I let it- but Ill be damned if I let some Ashley Madison- midlife crisis havin' civil servant pretendin' lady have one more minute of my life or use one more brain cell. You can't tell your wife to put her bitch boots on & not let your and the other WS poor decisions dictate the decisions your family makes, or where you guys go, or how she feels when sees her- but were your wife and I friends- that's my .02.

I think I get what the two of you are thinking? Maybe? I'm not saying whether or not I agree with means though.

- you want to do anything to make things right with BS.

- one of those "any things" is to not have to see OW and for her children not to see her- be around her. I get that- my children have no idea- and will never if I can help it- but the thought of them being in the same room as OW makes me really squeamish for some unknown reason.

- with those two things in mind- the families need to exit each others' lives- and the two of you believe that it would be much easier/possible for them to leave the school.

It's the means to fix this mess the poor kiddos/family units that need some work. There's a workable solution? There has to be.