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I am feeling such scary, all encompassing rage right now... I'm choking on it!!! Just feel HATE!!! This is so very outside of who I am.... SO far from my personality. I don't know how to cope with it or what to do with it but I feel like it is eating me alive. I survived more shit than any human being ever should have too... I came through it optimistic, strong, compassionate and loving. Only to end up here. Child sexual abuse, rape, domestic violence... None of this crushed me the way he has.

Is there something that is triggering the rage right now? Maybe getting a handle on that will help in some way? I wish that I had some advice for you as to how to handle the rage but I don't. I feel the same thing myself and just go crazy until it passes. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, that others know how you feel and share your pain. Hopefully someone with some wisdom will post soon. *hugs*

Sorry your so angry , I'm right there with you the angry phase that is .

I can't even imagine your pass struggles , I have had them but not like yours . Your very strong !

I believe it though it being worse than all of it . You put all of it out there with your WS giving them the gun and expecting them not to pull the trigger and they do!

I'm angry for you and for me I'm angry for all the BS that have to endure such pain when all they did was love and commit themselves to one person and it wasn't enough.

All I can tell you is what I do and even then it doesn't always work so I end up bashing my WH.

I listen to music from my teen years ones I know every word to and I clean( cleaning makes me direct my focus or not think at all during this )

I took up smoking ( I know bad ) but its makes me light headed and calm .

I am doing workouts not everyday but whenever I'm up and can't sleep .

I write in a journal not about the A but how I feel now days and how I miss day before , or how I think WH has changed .

I haven't gotten to a point where I can wake up happy though every morning is a battle and feel sick to my stomach and can't eat early mornings .

I admitted to my WH that I lost interest in our kids that's a toughy ! It hurts but its true I can't focus on them like I did and they feel it.

Wish I could help I wish somebody could help me , I wish god would get his revenge already

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 4:55 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

DDays: 9/3/12 ,9/10/12 ,9/12/12 ,10/01/12 ,12/03/12,more TT same events 2/24/12

3x ONS= 2CL hook-ups,1 on TDY

46 Craigslist Ads, AFF, chatrooms,

4EA w/past partners

Hon, you wouldn't be human if you didn't have rage. Look what he has done to you! You deserve so much better.

I choke on rage all the time. Outlet, outlet, outlet.

My favorite in a pinch, go outside or somewhere were your alone and and let it out. Curse you heart out, out loud, scream it, hiss it, whatever you prefer. Just don't hold it in, don't let it be all consuming. Don't let him see, that gives him power. Keep telling yourself that you won't let the shit he did to you change your soul. Just because the waywards heart is dead don't let him kill yours too. Transcend the betrayal.

Also punching bags work. Seriously, take up kick boxing. Put some fear in him, show him your strong. And most importantly show yourself your strong. Sounds like from your past you are a strong person, you just need to remind yourself of that fact.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 8:29 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]