SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by ws0235 at 6:53 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

has he given any indication of what he wants/expects from you at this point?

How do you know he isn't reaching out to anyone?

there is always something you can do, that is show him that you are a better person, and you do that by working on yourself first. when i started on my journey i never believed that statement. but it is so true! by working on making yourself a safer and healthier person mentally and spiritually you can show him that you are not the same type of person that would cause him that type of pain again. and then its in his court whether or not its enough. good luck and keep working.

I have asked him a couple times if he is interested in talking about things or trying to meet with a counselor or priest or something. He said he doesn't know. Whenever I ask if I can go by the house to look for something I might have left there he leaves to go to the gym or for a walk or something.

I asked if he was seeing a counselor and he said no, and a mutual friend of ours said he hasn't even mentioned the breakup to anyone. The only other person who knows about the infidelity is his sister, and she, naturally, was very angry, and not only that but seems to think that we should never communicate again. She said "I think you should just make a clean break." Well, I don't really care what she thinks, it's not her relationship, but he listens to every word she says because she thinks she is his mom.

He was kind of friendly at first, maybe just still in shock and not fully realizing how much he was angry himself. I don't know if we have a chance or not, but I care about him and it feels wrong to be completely estranged. But it is basically in his court, and the only thing I can do is be a changed person if he is ever ready to consider working towards reconciliation. Dating someone else is really not a temptation for me at the moment.

Well, I don't really care what she thinks, it's not her relationship, but he listens to every word she says because she thinks she is his mom.

I understand what you're saying and to an extent, you are correct. It's not really her business what happens with your relationship. However, you are the one who cheated. You hurt him. So he is turning to someone he obviously trusts, whether you think it's right or not. kwim? He is making the choice to listen to her at the moment. You can't do anything about it. At this point, all you can work on is you. Do you know why you cheated? What are you doing to work on yourself?

Dating someone else is really not a temptation for me at the moment.

And it shouldn't be. Your first relationship isn't even over. In limbo at the moment? Yes. But over? Not yet. And it wouldn't matter if it was. You're 1 month from Dday. That's not enough time to fix the faulty in you, make new and healthy choices in your life, and get yourself straightened out so that you're a good candidate for a new relationship.

I absolutely am "working on myself" although I'm not crazy about that terminology. I have changed fundamentally but I know application of that change is a process, and I don't expect total forgiveness or acceptance right away.

I absolutely understand that he trusts her right now, but their odd confusion of the mother-son and sister-brother relationship is their issue to work out. I think that can be just as hurtful to him in some ways and in the long run, because he is stuck in some very infantile patterns(though admittedly not as obviously and immediately destructive as mine, but also not as likely to be interrupted).

I just added the thing about dating to clarify that it's not that I'm looking for a "go-ahead" to see someone else, and that I realize it is possible and necessary to move forward without doing that, regardless of whether or not R is on the table.

I guess I'm a tad confused. You've lived with him for 6 years. Cheated after 3 for two years then lived a year as a lie, basically.

You decided you wanted to leave him so told him to enable him not to want to hang on and now you're hanging on.

Wow.

You may be working on yourself, but I don't see it. Do you not understand it may not be about forgiveness at all but a desire not to have someone so careless in his life, which I'd think would be quite healthy for him.

Stop asking to go by the house to "look" for something. It's so unfair that he should have to leave to avoid you.

By the actions you posted here you haven't even begin to work on your stuff.

Leave him alone so he can heal and start your work. Be open to questions he may have but respect his pain. He doesn't need to run who he talks to first by you and his sister has solid advice, in this case regardless of the dynamics you feel they have.

I'm sorry you're hurting while also confounded by it. You got what you wanted, it appears.

Wow and I thought this forum was supposed to be safe place to work through things. Apparently not. That was unnecessary and cruel.

The description for this forum states, "We ask that anyone participating be respectful and non-judgemental." Can you not read?

[This message edited by ws0235 at 6:11 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

ws0235, it was meant as neither. I'm a wayward, just like you. Part of working through things is looking at your actions from all angles.

Unnecessary and cruel are excellent descriptions of the choices we've made. The actions we've taken against others.

You can disregard what I said. Can you not see how hard it must be to have you "popping" over? He has to leave his home. You're still making choices that affect him based on what you want. Part of healing is getting past "you" and starting to consider others along with you.

I respond to post that I care about. I want you to see that you have control of how you process this that doesn't rely on his response and won't vanish if you don't get the response from him you're looking for. I know it's a process.

I was not so gently reminded of that by some of my best friends I've made on this site. It took one a very persistent 6 months to extract my head from the nether regions. I was a stubborn little sucker.

UO was very respectful and she was in no way cruel.

She didn't say you were acting like a child who got her sucker taken away and like a child you are now throwing a tantrum.

I could swear that I literally saw you stick your fingers in your ears and say "La, la, la." on the computer screen even before reading your response to UO.

You cheated and you broke up with him. That means you have no right to anything to do with him. Not a darn thing. If he wanted to pack up anything you left and throw it out, more power to him. He's not a toy that you get to keep playing with.

Grow up a little. God doesn't give you the right to hurt someone. Pray from your closet, not his.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 6:30 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

ws0235, the fact that you are stung by UO's words shows that you needed to read them. One thing she knows how to do is put a fire under your ass to get you moving in the right direction. She gives it to you straight, no chaser. Because you are hurting and are not too far out from d-day, you don't see that. I've been here for 4 years and have known UO for 3. While her delivery may be unconventional, it's damn effective. She comes from a good place, just know that.

I care about him and it feels wrong to be completely estranged

Of course it does, but you don't have any say in the matter at this point. If he wants out, you have to respect his decision. You know this but you aren't ready to accept it emotionally.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 6:26 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

You know this but you aren't ready to accept it emotionally.

Ready or not she had better accept it before she winds up being labeled "Crazy stalker" and has a protective order to stay 500 feet away at all times.

Reality has a vicious streak, police don't care that "you miss him."

Better to wake up fast than to wake up with a jail sentence for trespassing.

Just saying.

Wow. ws0235, it's called a 2x4. Almost every WS I've seen come through here has had to be hit with at least one. It has taken several dozen for me. If you can't handle the kinds of questions we, as other WSes, ask, then it's very likely you won't/don't have what it takes to R.

Why do you miss him?

You don't respect him. You disrespected your relationship by cheating, you refer to his behavior as "infantile", and you "pop by" without respecting his space.

Love and respect are intertwined.

What happened to the OM? Does his absence now have anything to do with your missing your BF?

ws0235 has asked to be removed from the site and will no longer be joining us.