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islesguy (original poster member #38090) posted at 2:52 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
This is a question for those who are in recovery. How do you cope with knowing that nothing will ever be the same in your relationship or that nothing will ever be what it should have been for the rest of your life. This is something that my betrayed spouse and I have really been suffering with. No matter what, even if she somehow can find a way to move forward her future will never be what it should have been. No matter what it is that we experience, there will always be the feeling that it is should have been better. I am not asking how to make it what it once was because I know that is not possible, I am just asking how others cope with this?
Me: WH
My BS has given me every opportunity to prove myself to her and I have failed again and again. I lied to her for well over 20 years and did nothing to help her. I made promises to her again and again that I would step up and still have not.
SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 3:20 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
No matter how remorseful a WS is, no matter how much they have improved their brokenness, there is still the fact of the betrayal (and the physical infidelity if it was a PA) at the base. Someone here on SI refers to it, "You cant unf### the donkey". The realization of that was another dagger to my heart.
You may be mourning the "what could have been" of your M. I do.
People talk about making a new, better marriage. I'm just not able to see beyond the realization of what has happended to my M yet. I meant my vows, and thought WH did. And I'm mad that it feels like I'm not married- kind of feel like I was secretly divorced by WH and just found out.
Time. They say time will help us, and that we will heal...
This has changed me to my soul, so no, my life will never be the same. My marriage, if I can heal enought to start a new one with WH, can't possibly be what I had envisioned for myself. It's been a shock to discover that WH didn't hold our M sacred. It sounds like that is where you are too.
Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 3:24 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
Funny these thoughts brought me to the board this morning. After a fighting weekend with WH, I was looking for answers also. I had problems understanding the phrase "new marriage". I knew in my head, it would never be the same, yet I had hope there would be some type of loving relationship left. I am in an angry phase, but, I feel its like loosing a loved one. Shock, anger, sadness, fear, loss. THen you recover somewhat, different then you were, but starting to pick up the pieces. Being able to laugh at a joke again. Then... I say What the F.....did you do to us? I can laugh at a joke again? Good grief. These were things you chose to do. Its ridiculous . 
cancuncrushed ( member #28156) posted at 4:53 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
after reading your post I did have an ahh haa moment. I have been struggling with holidays and vacations. They are painful for me and no longer enjoy them.I realize now that I am a hopeless romantic. Thats why I loved holidays and vacations. I decorated like crazy, cooked like crazy, and made sure each gift was thoughtful. I loved being together. Same for vacations. Spent months researching. Picking the perfect place for us as a couple and for our children. I am no longer that person. I was hoping it was a stage. I dont believe so anymore. . The eagerness is gone. I am now trying to train myself to be by myself. Enjoy myself. The key word. I expect nothing. I am protecting myself from a huge blow if disappointment comes my way again.
heartbroken2012 ( member #38089) posted at 7:45 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
This is an interesting post. I can relate
No matter how remorseful a WS is, no matter how much they have improved their brokenness, there is still the fact of the betrayal (and the physical infidelity if it was a PA) at the base.
Things will never be the same. I will never love WH like I did, and never think of him the same. I mourn my old husband and old marriage.
BS(Me)
WH(Him)
OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012
huRtZ413 ( member #39214) posted at 7:47 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
feel the same miss my old husband we fought and he paid too much attention to the xbox but he didnt cheat
this new guy got rid of all his distractions and wants to spend all day with me but hes a cheater
me_BW
him_WH
I'M ON THE FENCE
tearingaway ( member #28618) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, July 1st, 2013
Goofed. Thought this was a response to the BS. My apologies.
[This message edited by tearingaway at 10:06 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
lemony.2008 ( member #20125) posted at 1:40 AM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
Thought you were the betrayed, sorry!
[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 7:48 PM, July 1st (Monday)]
Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron
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