we are 15 months into true r. 2 years from original dday. we've had the usual roller coaster of this crap...but all in all things are very good.
yesterday i had a major trigger.
my only real face to face moment with ow was at h's homecoming from AFG. (she was on the deployment with him, AFG is where the a occurred) she stared me down with a look that could kill as i got to give my h a hug for the first time in over a year. homecomings are amazing. at least they are supposed to be... and each one before this one was. i can see her glaring at me and can feel those feelings just as if it happened now, if i let myself. but i don't. or at least i try not to. in r i try to stay in the present and focus on my h and i and what he is doing now to heal our m and to be the man i he wants to be.
anyway... i went to a homecoming yesterday. my cousin's h came home from AFG and i was so thrilled to be there to share in such an amazing day. i wasn't sad while i was there, but later that evening describing the events of the day and homecoming to my h, i got sad. it brought a lot of those feelings back and i cried.... a lot.
he tried to be comforting at first. but then when i was still upset after the point that he found acceptable i suppose, he started to get irritated. and i am so very bad at explaining my feelings verbally i didn't know how to communicate what i was feeling. i was just sad dammit! i just wanted to be able to sit there and cry and let it out and have him hold me and tell me it will be ok i guess.... but with him getting irritated (clearly), i tried to stop crying... which only made me cry harder! does that make any sense? the harder i tried to pull it together, the more i seemed to cry. i felt like saying... "i am sad dammit, just let me cry until i am done!"
he said he felt under attack and defensive and that there was nothing he could do for me so he felt like sh*t. that is not what i was trying to do! i don't want to ever make him feel that way. we are doing well... things are progressing and they are good for the most part... it was just that homecoming really hit me hard.
we live on a military base... homecomings happen all the time he said. yes, but this is the first one *i* have been to since yours, i said. it really affected me in way i didn't expect... that i was sorry. i was not trying to move backward or bring things up to hurt him.... i was just hurting and sad dammit!!!
i couldn't seem to express anything clearly to him... and i wanted to. he was under the impression that i just *wanted* to be sad and was *stuck* in a downward spiral. i'm not on his timeline of healing or whatever, i suppose. which just got me more and more wound up. it sucked.
he ended up telling me he loves me, but was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep... that i should take some sleep medicine since i was so upset. he said before we went to sleep, "i'm sorry that you are so sad"
all that to ask, does anyone out there get what i was feeling or what happened to me? do i make any sense at all??? how to i effectively communicate how i feel to my h?
i'm sure this post is rambling... i suck at talking, writing, .... using my words in general.
thank you so much for any help... it's almost 11am here and i'm still in bed. pathetic.