SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

... But sometimes I worry my being unsure about getting married/having his kids is something he intuited and that makes me wonder about a clean slate...

Yes I sure do. I regret taking him back after the first D-day with OW #1. It is the biggest regret of my life.

Yes...and no.

Yes, I would have been glad to not have to go through yet another d-day, the 6 months of therapy, hoping, wishing, the pain and anger.

But...then no. Because I am 100% positive I would never try again now. I think if I had left without trying...there may still be a small inkling in the back of my head somewhere...the "what if?"

The "what if" is killing me. At the same time, I've talked to few people who felt their attempt(s) at R were ultimately worth it.

I like the idea of making him work for it if he wants it. But, if history serves, he won't.

In the meantime, I'm still terrified of what I'll do if he calls. I've been strong in front of him, but I feel like I'm one more incident away from having to be committed.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:08 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Oh 1000 times yes!

I would have been better off in every way if I had listened and ran after DDay #1.

I would've been younger.

I would've still had my house.

I would've still had my retirement money and savings.

I would've been less emotionally damaged.

I regret every single chance I gave him.

You've done the right thing. He has SHOWN you who he really is, his default coping mechanisms, his default ways of reacting under stress. Believe him.

If he does a complete turn around and shows you he's a changed man, then you can always remarry him.

[This message edited by phillygirl at 12:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Sometimes. On the other hand, I have 2 amazing kids who wouldn't be here if I'd left after the first time, so for myself, I can't regret it. Still, I should have left. I would've been so young (only 26!) that I still could've done anything, and life as a single mom would've been so much easier with only one child. Now I'm 34 and starting over with 3 kids after 9 years as a SAHM. And if I'd left back then, he was ready to just let me walk away, so it would've been so much easier, and I would've left with no debt. Now all of our assets (we didn't have a lot) are eaten up by the cost of the divorce (well, except for his pension, which is not insignificant) and he wishes I was dead. I definitely should've left the first time.

Edit: I think I'm saying the same as SBB, because I wouldn't undo my kids, but I can see where I should have left. I do not regret them, but I still acknowledge that I *should have left*. I wouldn't know what I was missing if I hadn't had the younger two (or any of them) but I certainly don't wish I hadn't had them. It's complicated.

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:56 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

At first he was remorseful, broke it off with her, was trying to move mountains. But as the days went on and I had a few outbursts, he started to pull away, get cruel, and then started up the A again. That's why I left.

Sure, throwing away 10 years seems like a waste. It's not as bad as it will be if you have kids with him and he chests again.

I think he's made his choice. So what if he calls and asks for another chance, it will only last until the next time you get upset, or he gets upset, or it's a full moon, or whatever.

I divorced quickly and am glad I did.

You sound like you'd like to give him another chance. What would that be like? Always second guessing what he's doing, wondering if he'll do it again, wondering if he'll go back to her.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be less concerned about the initial A than the fact that he went BACK to her! Huh?.? That would be more than plenty for me. No more chances. You've already changed your whole life (moving, job, etc.). Your instincts are good. Move on.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.

Best to you.

I do wish I had left and filed the day after dday. I knew FT would never do what was needed to R. Instead I had 3 mo of false R and 3 yrs of separation limbo.

Not exactly good for the self healing.

Should of would have..

Gma

Don't make decisions when you are depressed or not thinking rationally. People usually make bad decisions under those circumstances. If you don't know what to do, do nothing for awhile. People keep telling me you know when you know. I have asked other older 55+ yo women about their divorces years ago and they do say they wish they had gotten out sooner. But hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes you want to walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. This is what I am thinking/telling myself as we try to R.

Good luck.

I like the idea of making him work for it if he wants it. But, if history serves, he won't.

Sounds to me like he doesn't have what it would take for a successful R, then.

I, too, wish I would have immediately asked for a divorce on D-Day instead of wasting a month trying to convince him to pick me. Life is so much better when you only have honest, loving people in it.

STBX here was so thorough at tricking me that I didn't know the full extent of what he was doing. Then came the trickle truth for so long. Other people did.

For me, I had to exhaust every avenue and basically be hit on the head before I could finally end it "for real", because my mind would have searched for the rest of my life for the "could've's, should've's and what if's?"

However, once I started learning more, the door did shut, though he is so pig headed he may think he still has a chance.

P.S. He abandoned us (snuck out in the middle of the night and went into hiding, leaving many overdue bills) before we had knowledge of cheating or any OW, lived a double life and so I didn't have full information for quite a long time, either.

Yes, I do wish I would have left sooner. In fact when I really think about it, I wish I would have broken up with him when we were first dating. I remember early on dealing with his obsessive jealousy and drinking problem. We went to a friend's wedding and he accused ME of cheating in front of a whole table full of people at the reception. Later on that night the fight continued and he managed to get himself kicked out of our hotel. I remember the front desk guy talking to me and telling me

I was beautiful didn't need to put up with his abuse. But the problem was, even though I saw all the signs I wasn't confident enough to be on my own, I suppose I didn't believe I deserved better. I could have saved myself YEARS of grief had I dumped his sorry ass that night.

But a bright light in all of this, is that all of those years made me stronger. As my IC has said, I will heal and be stronger because of my experiences.

Today would be my 6th wedding anniversary. I have been officially divorced for just over six months. I had one serious rebound relationship which wasn't good either but it did teach me a lot about myself. I have now been totally single for almost 4 months and I realize my rebound relationship was too soon. I am not looking anymore. I am living my life for me, and I am determined to not settle again. I am becoming comfortable being alone.

Would I change things? Yes and no. I wish I would have made better choices in my life. But, I also think now I have the life experience to ow know what I want and don't want. My life is pretty good now, better than it has been in years and I am happy. A year ago I never thought I would be saying that!

Thank you, Everyone. I've had a couple of bad days and reading these responses helps so much.

What I'm finding sucks about this is that my instincts tell me to continue doing what I'm doing and walk. If i can keep myself solid in that decision, it doesnt matter if he calls, doesnt, is with the OW now, wants to R, whatever. But to keep myself solid I have to remind myself of what he put me through. So I get to relive the betrayal, the horrible things he said, etc. Super fun.

When loneliness or doubt creeps in, I have to do the same thing: remember the horrible things he said in those last couple of conversations. Reflect on the lies, etc. Even though I asked for NC, in some sense, his silence and lack of support in general has been like a form of abuse. For the first couple of weeks he would just forward emails to me that showed he had cancelled this or that account, blocked my access to this online newspaper, cancelled vacation plans or changed flights. Friends and family called him to see if he was okay and he wouldn't answer or return their calls. He said nothing to my family or mutual friends.

That's why I like your advice, nomistakeaboutit. I like tough love. Yeah, from all appearances, he's made his decision. When I get comfortable with that, I feel even more solid and empowered. He wants to drop me after 10 great years, fine. I have no regrets and I'll be alright on my own.

It's just the prospect he could change his mind. That the fog could lift. But after all I have been through--not to mention my friends ands family-- so what. He doesn't just have to R with me, he has to R with about a dozen people who have been touched by this. And this was so unexpected, you're right... I think I would always live in fear and doubt. If he was capable of something this hideous after 10 good years and no one saw it coming, how could I ever feel secure again.

I think I just typed out my internal monologue of the last week :)

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:03 AM, July 7th (Sunday)]

I am in the minority when I say I am glad I didn't leave as soon as DDay.

I gave R 2 years and it didn't work out. But at least I can look back and say with all honesty and certainty that I gave it all I could, that I left nothing on the table and I can move on. There will be no what ifs or regrets.

But that is just me. If I hadn't had a child I would have been gone the night I found out about the A.

BUT, for those of you who worked through a DDay or had what was ultimately a false R, do you ever wish you did what I seem to be doing by leaving right away?

Looking back on it sure I wish I had left. I went through months of TT and a year of false R before I was ready to leave. The only "but" I have about leaving sooner is that for me going through the false R made me do some work on myself that helped me work through some pretty horrid codepedancy issue I had. My M was broken by the A but I came out of it a complete person. When I did leave I KNEW I had "left it all on the field" and I had no regrets.

Are you ever grateful that you gave them another chance, even if it didn't work out?

Yes, it took 2 years of my life but the work I did on me was worth it. I am and will continue to be a better Father because of it and honestly there was no other way for me to get through it then the long painful road I chose to take. Everyone on SI told me what was down that path but I HAD to take that path in order to get where I am now. It sucked big time but I am okay with it now.

Do you think when they are broken, they are broken no matter what?

No, there are FWS's on this site that show that isn't true. I will say that it takes a strong and courageous person to look into themselves admit their faults and actively go out and seek to addres and resolve those issues to become a better person. Not everyone can do it. Those that can't DO remain broken and keep repeating the same cycles over and over. This applies to anyone not just WS's. As a BS that had issues I had to do some digging into my own issues to overcome Codep, KISA issues, and a complete overhaul of my "picker". If there were 9 stable people and 1 broken person in a room. I ALWAYS picked the 1 broken person.

So this was a long way of saying sure I wish I had left sooner but looking back I am glad I took the path that I did because I came out of it a healthy and complete person. If you choose to leave now make sure you spend some time focusing on you. This shit sucks and you may not have any issues but you want to make sure you leave a complete person.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:36 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Sadly/Ironically, my issue is that I like to "rescue" people (and animals, come to that). So my instinct is to commit to walking away for myself, yet part of me does want to give him a second chance because I love him, I don't want to see him keep repeating these patterns and I know I'm strong enough to give it a shot. I want the chance to "leave it all on the field"...

But it seems that my gut instinct has been winning throughout all of this. I look back and still don't know how I had the courage to 180, NC, etc. in the middle of all of the initial trauma. I think, as some of you have said, I focused on his actions and they spoke volumes.

I remember looking at him when he was going through one of his blameshifting monologues (which was usually followed by a sobbing half-a apology) and thinking to myself "This guy is a mess. This is irrevocably broken." I just keep trying to remind myself of what I knew to be true in those moments.

When you cut and run this fast, you're left with so little "data". My idea of him is overwhelmed by the 10+ good years we had together, and it gets easy to forget that, despite those good years, for the last 3 weeks he was a monster.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 10:08 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

When you cut and run this fast, you're left with so little "data".

Not necessarily, just because you decide to leave doesn't mean your WS can't keep working on themselves. I probably should have added to my response that when I did decide to leave I spelled out my needs and boundaries to my STBX and promptly sat back and watched for actions as I worked on myself. So if you gut is saying leave then I say follow your gut. If your WS was going to do the work then he would do the work whether you were there or not. His work shouldn't be conditional on you staying. He should do it because he wants to be a healthy and whole person and fix what he destroyed.

So if you chose to leave you will still get "data". Is he working on himself in a meaningful way or is he proving that you made the right decision. Either way you see the action or inaction and continue on the path you choose.

Do you ever wish you had left sooner?

Without a doubt, YES!

I think we can all regret not leaving in the beginning. R is a hard painful road and doesn't always work out to everyone's expectations. We all want the totally remorseful spouse who would and does everything to fix what they broke. We all wish our marriages came out of this shit storm stronger than it was before. The facts however is that this rarily happens in most cases. So many of us are left with unremorseful, lying spouses with multiple DD's, false R, and the added pain that follows. We wind up finally having to face what we didn't want to face. We usually wind up D'd or worse, willing to put up with the abuse in order to keep our marriages together the best way we know how knowing we will never have the marriage we thought we had or the spouse we once thought they were. Infedelity is the worst possible thing to ever happen to a person, some even say it's even worse than losing a child or their parents. I have never lost a child thank God, but I have lost my parents and I can attest to the fact that it's been worse than losing them. They didn't die to hurt me, but the man I loved more than anything with all my heart purposely betrayed me in the worst ways possible.

As the TT, false R, somewhat real R, etc.. has went on it slowly kills the love that you had for this person and leaves you very bitter and angry at the selfishness of the person who was supposed to love you and protect you above all else. So yes, with 20/20 vision, I wished I had left after DDay#1. I had already filed for D before I ever even saw WH#2. I should have filed and went NC with him immediately. Instead I dropped the D because he said he was sorry and swore it was over with the OW. I listened to his blame shifting, gas lighting, and total BS for another year until DDay #2. Then stupid me listened again to the BS. Now I am faced with living this life that I no longer want because of my health and financial circumstances. He is a rug sweeping alcholic who will never put enough effort into the marriage or himself to ever make me truely happy again. For those that are younger and healthy, please don't spend years trying to fix a marriage plegged by infedelity. If there actions do not show immediately that they are remorseful for the hurt they put you through, then get out or get them out of your life. You and your children don't need someone who is half in and half out of the marriage. For those that are young and have no children, run and don't look back. You all deserve so much more. (((HUGS)))