SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Our situations were similar.All great advice here. Keptmyword nailed it.

It's incredible how all our stories are so similar. We did not have kids but I was the dope who allowed his wife to go away for a separate vacation thinking it would be immature of me to deny her that. That hollow cold pain you felt when you found out stuck us all. And like you I was not left with an apologetic wife who was so sorry for hurting me so bad, she asked me "what did you expect" ? It's been two years for me and I can say that it no longer hurts as bad as it once did, but I am far from whole, I can't imagine myself ever trusting someone again.

(((ghostbh)))) I'm so, so sorry for your pain.

You've gotten great advice here. Pay attention to it--especially the financial stuff. I can't tell you how awful it is to stare down the barrel of middle age in financial ruins because of one person's selfishness; protect yourself from that, as much as possible. I wish I had.

But more immediately, please take care of yourself, physically. (It will help, emotionally--more than you can imagine.) If you still are having trouble eating, invest in some good-quality protein supplements and a good multivitamin. Whey protein isolate is more bioavailable than soy, and recent evidence suggests safer. It's also less expensive, and for many, gentler on the digestive system.

Be sure to stay hydrated, too. Keep a bottle of water at your side, and take small sips frequently. If you're nauseated, this won't aggravate the situation, but will keep you properly hydrated. For the most part, avoid alcohol. It's dehydrating and ...well. The false sense of well-being (or despair) it can promote don't really do anyone much good. (One exception: if your appetite is very poor, a single drink about an hour before dinner can help; I know many doctors who prescribe this for their hospitalized patients and it does make a difference for many. Not enough that I'd recommend adding alcohol if you don't typically drink, but something to tuck away in your mind for use as necessary.)

Carve out time for exercise. It doesn't have to be a huge, go-to-the-gym production. A fast, hard walk in the morning will do wonders. When anger strikes (and it will), twice a day might work even better. I just laced up my shoes, clipped the leash on my dog, and headed out the door in the morning and after dinner. My family expected it, and it did ALL of us good.

Finally, and perhaps the most difficult, is rest. I know that sleep is a precious commodity---but it is SO important, even if you find yourself wakeful, to rest. It's difficult to nip the mind movies in the bud, but developing good "sleep hygiene"---rituals and behaviors that promote rest---can help a lot.

For me, this involved learning biofeedback. I had to train my brain to calm down. It was really helpful.

Sleep will come. If it doesn't, consider using a mild OTC aid such as melatonin or diphenhydramine (Benadryl). If those don't work for you, consider talking with your doctor about a prescription sleep aid for the short term.

Then, rely on the age-old sleep-promoting tactics: avoid caffeine, exercise no later than early evening, follow a bedtime routine that "tells" your body and mind that you're winding down to sleep, have a warm bath (as the body cools after, sleep is apt to follow), and so on.

Hang in there. It does get better, and you will get through this.

Hi Ghostbh,

I'm a stay at home mom and I'm in the same situation (almost) but its my husband who is "in love" with another woman. He has zero remorse and that almost hurst worse than the ongoing affair he's had. We've been together 16yrs and married 11. We have 2 beautiful, young kids. At first I thought it was a midlife crisis and I missed all the signs. Like your situation, he spent a year being cold and sort of hostile to me. His OW is in another country where he travels to very frequently. She is also married with a child. Wen I asked if he could give her up and be faithful he said he wasn't sure. I'm flabbergasted and heart-broken. I said, "how would you feel if you we're off working and busting your butt for the family and I took a lover while you were doing right by our family? That's what you did to me." It's just awful. Not even an " I'm sorry". Take care and be strong. I suggest you get a good, though lawyer and keep a journal of all her antics and document how she has involved the kids who are still minors. Get custody of them!! They are what matters most.

My thoughts are with you.

How are you Ghostbh?

No word in the last few days.

Hope your doing ok.

I wanted to thank everyone who has provided advice and support here especially to keptmyword. Keptmyword, your responses got me through some difficult days.

My wife came home last night. She's been in NJ for 25 of the last 35 days, leaving me to take care of five kids and work a full-time job while she's living at her fuck-buddy's house.

As soon as she came home she took our two youngest daughters out to dinner and took them shopping for clothes - which the girls were very excited about. I had to go out but while I was gone she burst into my sons room (the one who won't talk to her anymore) and started yelling at him. He screamed back at her and she took the keys to his car and said this is my car and threatened to call the police on him. My son packed his stuff and went to spend the night at his girlfriends house.

He called me crying and said the first thing my wife did when I left the house was go up the attic - to look for the safe. Unfortunately for her, I had smashed the safe open and deposited the content into a safe deposit box a week earlier. So all she found was an empty safe up the attic.

I told my son that in her mind I am a dreadful person. She has vilified me to justify her own horrible actions. Because he has sided with me, he too, her own son, is now her enemy.

The person I married, the mother of our five children, is gone replaced by someone I don't recognize. She is an awful person.

I made another appointment to see the lawyer that I had originally spoken to. However, I cancelled the appointment when I read some really bad reviews of him online. I have an appointment with a different lawyer tomorrow.

I spoke to my brother and he told me that his divorce has already cost him $70K - that frightens me.

I would appreciate any legal advice you may have for me.

Thanks again.

--ghostbh

[This message edited by ghostbh at 6:24 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

I live in a no fault state, so any legal advice I have gotten is with this in mind...

No kidding, the thought of D costing $70,000 is terrifying! I am not sure of how old/young you are ;-)

As solus sto so aptly phrased it..." It is frightening to be staring down the barrel of middle age in financial ruins".

This situation is where I find myself..By the time D is said and done I will be 60..I have health problems that prohibit me from working full time..

Spending as little as $20,000-$30,000 on a contentious D is not even an option for me..

Also frightening is having to abide by whatever the decision is on D property/asset settlement division ..

The thought of having to divide my meager assets and pension in half is frightening to me because my WH has no savings or pension or employment, nothing to offer me in return..

My back story (situation) isn't where you want to find yourself...

I wish I had connections like in the movie "The God Father"...(Just kidding) :/

If my asshat WH had to cheat, lie and be the prick that he is, I wish he had done this 20 years ago instead of recently..

I went the route of seeing as many lawyers as I could, they all gave me the same advice..

I think it will help your cause to see many of the best family law specialists in your community as possible..

Doing this will cause a conflict of interest situation to happen for your WW when she decides to shop for and interview lawyers..

In other words your WW will have a greatly diminished pool of available D lawyers to choose from..

Document WW behavior to increase your chances of getting full custody..

Even if R fails and D happens, you will be OK...

When the time comes that there are new beginnings for you, such as a remarriage to your WW or another person, Pls put a post nup agreement in place...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:44 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

Sorry you are here brother.

As an XH(1st M) I went through an adversarial custody battle in 1992-3. I won(went all the way to state supreme court). Cost back then was in excess of 50k. The C/S she was ordered to pay would not even have covered 1/2 of that.

Not telling you that to discourage you, but to warn.

Document everything. Have a VAR on you at all times. Avoid a false DV charge at all costs. Contact friends, family and neighbors and find out who will be willing to testify. Childcare providers, doctors etc.. Meet with your atty and discuss the fact that she has already abandoned the marital home.

She's been in NJ for 25 of the last 35 days, leaving me to take care of five kids and work a full-time job while she's living at her fuck-buddy's house.

^^^^Will be crucial evidence when awarding custody. File counter D in the state where your/her/childrens primary residence is. Much more likely to get a favorable outcome.

Document, document and document some more. All communication should be by text or E-mail if possible. It WILL be used as evidence. All face to face meetings need to be documented with a VAR.

Given the ages of the children, some may be asked to testify.(Hopefully in chambers or through a therapist)

Sorry you're here brother. Buckle up. It's the ride from hell.

We are here for you!

Strength and prayers

From what you've said, you live a no fault state too.

If you D, you have to split your assets, which means you WW will have to split her inhertance with you.

Also there's the question of custody for your younger children since she want's to move out of state and has hardly seen them in a month. You may get custody in which case she'll have to pay you.

You may make out OK after all.

WW will have to split her inhertance with you

BE SURE to ask the L about this. In my state once a person has used their inheritance to pay for even one family expenditure it becomes part of the assets. Has she paid for anything, that you can prove, out of her monies already? If you can prove it, then she will have no choice but to split it with you!! (keeping my fingers crossed ghost)

Keep that calendar updated daily! All your children are old enough to be questioned. It sounds like your DD9 would actually have the most info, if she was taken on WW's fun trips! UGH!! Poor baby.

See as many L's as you can in the next few days. That way they cannot take her case, at all.

Good luck ghostbh.

Sending strength.

Yes, we are dependent on and have used my wife's inheritance to pay for college tuition's, income taxes, property taxes, credit card payments and to purchase cars.

--ghostbh

Another question. Should I go for custody of the kids? I had my mind set on doing this - staying in the house and being with my kids. However, I kind of think that's what she wants - she wants me to take care of the house and kids while she's with fuckbuddy in NJ. If she gets custody and the house, shes's stuck in the house with kids and away from fuckbuddy who works and lives in NJ. And fuckbuddy probably wants nothing to do with kids. Kids will take the responsibility free fun time away for them.

Any thoughts on this?

--ghostbh

Do you want custody? Who cares what she wants. She is irrelevant.

Curious though, is it a concern that you can't do it or a sense of I'm gonna stick her with the kids that makes you ask.

Given the circumstances, I'd say you've got a very good shot at custody. Think how pissed she'd be writing the C/S checks.

Hopefully though, your motivation is what's best for the kids. Her behaviors don't indicate she has that in mind.

Do you?

strength

Document this. Document everything. Every penny you can, what she's spent on trips to have the A, the time she's taken away from the kids. Keep a journal and document. Keep all communications through text or email so you have documentation. It also gives you a chance to consider your response- if it's not about kids or money, ignore her.

Interview as many lawyers as you can. Find a shark who will fight for you and the kids.

While my wife had an EA it is amazing how it all sounds so similar here. Over and over and over. Long time members have more advice than me. I understand the weight loss, sleeplessness, etc. Force yourself to eat. Exercise to burn off anxiety. Visit friends. Do not isolate yourself. Do not take any blame.

Should I go for custody of the kids

What do YOU and the kids want? Base your actions on those who count.

As 5454 said take her out of the equation.

Also, what if you give up the house and kids, and she never pulls her head out of her ass? And continues this behavior? Do you really want YOUR children to live in that environment? The house? again, up to you and your kids.

YOU are a GREAT DAD! But you only have ONE shot at getting full custody. And that is right now!!! It would be the slimmest of chances later, if you change your mind. Well, maybe not so slim if she continues to act this way. But don't subject your kids to any more than they have to.

A little story (if you please): My beloved Uncle, the sweetest man on the face of the earth, had a bitch of SO. She took their young son, just to crush my Uncle. Anywho, the things that child saw and heard, and then told his Dad, broke our hearts. She did finally give him to Uncle, b/c he was slowing down her fun!! But that child was most certainly mentally scarred for life. And when my Uncle passed away, the poor kid had to go back to her.

Spare them those mental images, if at all possible, ghost.

And glad to hear the inheritance is now part of the assets. Bet she will never see that comin'!!

Good to hear back from you, Ghostbh.

The advice you have received is excellent.

I will reiterate the action of documenting everything. It is very important and will be useful. The use of a VAR is advisable but what can be obtained on it may not be admissible in court. Be sure that when you see her that you do so in a public place where there are people around and within view of security cameras.

Now, your state may be be "no-fault" but may still have some adultery laws left over from long ago. My state is also no-fault but we do have adultery laws in the books that are rarely enforced but are still there none-the-less. Even though adultery convictions are rare these days, you can still use the "idea" of filing adultery charges against your wife and her adultery partner as psychological leverage. The idea of their shitbag behavior becoming part of public record via the filing of charges may possibly help soften her up a little.

Also, most states will allow you to recover 50% of any marital funds spent on the affair - meaning she would have to pay you half of what she spent on conducting the affair. That means anything from joint accounts, trust funds, those secret credit cards, etc.. I'm sure she would not want to have to produce copies of the itemized billing statements of those secret credit cards and disclose all the shit that she bought to impress her affair guy. My XWW had three credit cards she got behind my back and ran up nearly $20 thousand dollars in debt. She never even mentioned me having to pay half of that "marital debt" because she didn't want me to know what she had spent it on.

I'm sorry your going through this. I went through the very same shit. My wife turned into an unrecognizable entity. Keep in mind that she's got an incredible amount of shame that she desperately NEEDS to dump somewhere. It's called projecting. And who is it easiest to dump/project on? Someone she trusts - like you and your children. She sure as hell can't trust herself because she's willingly and wantonly delusional.

Remember again, none of her bullshit affair has anything to do with you or the marriage you had with her.

Honesty and integrity are on your side and the truth always prevails so wield that with strength and confidence.