SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Said a lot of the right stuff

Emphasis on "said". What's he doing?

Still fucking OW.

Three months to prove himself = three months to keep eating cake.

I think as your DD is growing and learning in her time abroad, you should kick your WH out 180 him and take a nice long time to yourself. Really take time to figure yourself out again, really learn to love you. After you get to the heart of you again, then make a decision to work with him or not. I think you need and deserve a break to simply focus on who you have become and what you want going forward. Time to clear all of the clutter and crap he has thrown at you. Now that your DD is off, you can toss aside the wife hat and just be you and take the space and quiet to reflect and make some bigger choices.

HUGS

Said a lot of the right stuff, and that little seed in my chest that hopes for R got a little bit of water and sunshine to give it a bit of life. Urge to kick him out wilted quite a bit. Is he for real this time? He's said the right stuff before.

How many times does this have to happen before you realize that YOU have to do things differently? It's the same cycle over and over again. Stop participating in the craziness. Stand strong now!!! Wait until he shows you through his actions that he has changed. Otherwise, you'll be back here saying he did it again.

Your kids are grown. I say cut him loose. He wants to have fun and romance with her and you at home to do the grocery shopping and pay the bills...

Honestly, it seems to me like many WH's would be happier with a maid, an accountant, a nanny and a hooker, but it's a bit pricier than a wife and a mistress. Unless you get caught...

ETA:

Especially if the maid, accountant and nanny are hot and will sleep with him too.

[This message edited by m334455 at 9:59 AM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

OK, so trying the 180 in earnest now. Haven't been alone with him for the most part since we dropped DD off at the airport. He said it was "too bad" that I didn't want to spend the day with him yesterday, he was looking forward to it. Went about my business, only talked when spoken to about something that required a response. Went to a friend's house after work today because I didn't want to be home when he got home. While there he called several times (which I ignored) then texted and asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner or take a walk, either just me or both friend and me. I declined as I had plans for later with another friend. Got home and had 3 emails from him inviting me to various different events he needs/wants to go to in the next few weeks. He kept trying to talk to me, I kept avoiding him, then he went to bed hurt. He doesn't seem to understand that I am still angry, and wants to act like everything is ok. Good friends invited us to go away with them for the weekend and he's upset that I don't want to do it. Actually, I want to, just not with him. I fully expect at some point soon I'm going to hear how we're never going to work things out if I continue to refuse to talk wtih him. Work out what, exactly? I realize that he probably gave OW the 3 month message too, and that she is just waiting in the wings for the end of our time to "figure things out" so she can swoop back in on him. I bet it will be more like 3 wks. Thanks to all for the support, advice, and fresh perspectives you have given me. I am trying to find my way through this mess and don't have it figured out yet, but getting lots of ideas.

Wow. Way to disprove your username!

180 must have been really hard to do, especially having just said goodbye to DD.

Did you feel like you gained some psychological space away from him just for yourself?

I think you should consider going away for the weekend with your friends without him. After all, everything is not OK, and that's his fault. Why should you give up a nice time with good friends?

If he asks how you can work things out if you won't talk to him, tell him that there is no "us" to talk about until he goes NC with OW.

He has real problems that you did not cause and can not fix. He needs to take responsibility for fixing himself (and NC plus IC would be a good start).

Give yourself a pat on the back and some kind of treat for the inner strength you showed yesterday!

Interesting that you posted this today and I just read it. Had an appt with my IC today and told her I was going to insist on NC> She said I had already done it and what did I expect would be different this time. I said, well, maybe I didn't make it clear enough but then she helped me realize that I had made it clear and why would I expect a different response this time. True that, I said. So I decided to tell WS that until he proved to me that he was trustworthy, I was not willing to work on R with him yet I had no idea how he could do that. He comes home from work all chatty, how ws your day, etc, what did you do. I told him I couldn't pretend that all was well and abouut my trust ultimatum. He continued to insist it was over and tried to hand me his cell phone and computer so that I could see they had not communicated. It's only been 3 days since they broke up, so I don't imgine she's tried to contact him yet. Plus, he deletes everything. Plus, they have had a secret email account, so it's all kind of irrelevant anyway. I said I wasnt't willing to open myself up to him emotionally naymore because I could no longer be hurt by that. Conversation ensues, I say I don't want to talk about it and leave the house with the dog. Icome back and he starts complaining that I talk to everyone but him about the relationship, OW sent me emails that she shouldn't have, I refuse to communicate with him and how are we going to work on our relationship if I don't communicate. Blah, blah, blah. He has rights too. He is going to insist we talk, etc. DId not go well for me. I don't know how to talk aout this stuff, i feel like he always sounds so reasonable and I sound crazy. And I g=felt so p roud of myself at first. Now I feel like shit.

You have no reason to feel like shit - remember, he is a master manipulator.

The reason you don't want to talk is because you are waiting to see if his ACTIONS to prove his trustworthiness last longer than a few weeks and are a sign of 'real' change (instead of a sign of him TALKING about changing).

Right now, the two of you are not working on your relationship -- he is working on himself so you can begin to work on your relationship. That's kinda how this goes.

Hang in there ... and trust your inner voice.

Ah, and there's the question. What would these actions look like? Shoving his cell phone and computer in my face don't count; they already are good enough at subterfuge that there has been no trace of activity there.

Well, since you asked, it sounds lame, but you'll know it when/if you see it.

Full transparency, not staged transparency.

Take his phone and his hard drive to be data mined. Even suggesting it will be telling...if he blanches, well, there's your answer.

Data mining will give you all the erased history, texts, photos and emails.

Also put a VAR in his car. Of course, don't tell him, just put it in there with some velcro tape. He has some kind of secret phone that he is using to yuck it up with her. This is what I mean by 'staged transparency'.

IC for him to figure out why he is such a douche'. And you must have access to the IC to check his stories, he is a known liar.

(Mr. Happy is in IC and I have full access)

Accountability as to his whereabouts like a GPS finder.

Access to all CC statements, bank statements and phone records. This way you can check his stories about his whereabouts. And they must go back farther that he states the beginning of the A.

There is a poster on these boards that is a forensic accountant. She was blindsighted by the A, but honey...with scalpel like presicion she parsed apart his doings and laid it out for him to see...HA!

Like a client once said, the internet is like toxic waste, nothing ever goes away!

His cyber history is available, ask him plainly for all passwords and all accounts.

Just because he gives them to you does not mean everything goes back to normal, there will never be a normal, ever again. The 'new normal' will come into play. And both of you will have to agree on new terms for this to work.

Do this in a calm manner. Business like. And the terms are NOT NEGOTIABLE. A OR B! Either he succumbs to your terms or all bets are off.

These are not frivolous requests. You need to know what is happening in your own life. For your sanity's sake. This is the only way for him to gain your trust and to feel safe.

And as far as 'his privacy' is concerned, he forfeited that concept when he abused 'his privacy' by being married and a having a 'girlfriend'!

Good Luck and HUGS sweet Lackingcourage!