SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't sleep.

Mr. Houdini - jackwad of moronism, went beserk on me last night wanting to pick up the kids tonight.

He left Sunday after a confrontation over whether or not he actually purchase prostitutes or not.

I told him he can not pick up the kids from daycare because its too much for the kids right now.

I told him we need to let things settle for the moment and we will see each other and with the kids on Saturday.

He started begging me.

I said that we have to take into consideration the kids well being, not his well being. And that having emotional dad show up and haul the kids away without mom is going to freak them out. Oldest daughter is only 6 and she's not going to understand what's going on.

He then said, so not letting them see their dad is for their well being?

I restated that emotional dad is not good.

He went beserk.

I reminded him that it was bc I his choice to sleep with prostitutes again, that created this situation. He was the one that chose to do this to his kids. And I told him he is severely depressed and its not because of me or the marriage.

I told him there's something hiding in his past a long time ago that has made him this way and that he needs serious help and treatment.

He hen begins relaying a story about something that happened in his childhood and how bad it was and how it has affected him...blah, blah.

I had been giving him crickets to hi emails. So I don't know who manipulated the situation better. Me for getting him to forget about picking up kids or him for getting me to talk to him.

Finally, got attorneys number to call from legal services.

This will help.

I just need some kind of custody papers in place so that mr. Houdini can't cart my kids off.

Is there anything I can do, that's quick, to get some kind of temp custody to prevent my kids from being kidnapped?

You could fine an emergency order for custody and child support. However, you have some pretty stringent criteria to meet. Has he threatened to take the kids away? Any threats in writing or in front of witnesses (preferable good third party witnesses like the police or a therapist or social worker).

If he hasn't threatened to take the children or has stopped supporting you, you may or may not get an emergency hearing,

Does he have a plac to take them and have visitation? If so, is he a fairly decent sort? If so, maybe hammer out a custody schedule on your own, following the baseline for your state.

While he has been a terrible husband and partner, that does not automatically mean he is an awful father and should have access to his children restricted or curtailed.

Cat

You're gonna need to tread VERY carefully here. I can see all sorts of holes you've already dug for yourself.

The fact that he hires hookers is a non-issue for the courts. Drop it. The only ball you have in that court is if he hires hookers WHILE HE HAS THE KIDS. If that's not the case, drop it.

Yes, you're absolutely right, having a freaked out emotional dad is going to distress your children. I had to deal with this, my STBX would sob & wail & scare the shit out of my kids with his hysterics. I had to get BOTH of my lawyers to get involved with this. He STILL pulls this shit with my kids, although to a lesser degree.

Whatever bullshit is in his past is something you need to not bring up again. You're going to be sorry if you do because I can almost guarantee you that he's going to tell his lawyer on you, and then YOU are going to be accused of parental alienation.

If he has threatened to abduct your kids, then you have reason to be wary. But you know what? My STBX did outright threaten to take my children away from me. He made these threats frequently and for years. He'd test the waters by disappearing with them after a fight and be gone sometimes for hours. I WOULD FREAK THE FUCK OUT! But you know what? That didn't matter to the legal system. I had no proof of his threats, no proof of the detailed plans he'd tell me about, no proof that he'd taken the kids as a way to punish me. And so I was never able to keep the kids from him. It was my word against his.

Do not count on the legal system to protect you & your kids. I have a feeling you're going to be in for a rude awakening, as I was, at the difficult hill it is to climb to protect your children. In fact, it's really not possible to protect children, you can only react once they've been harmed.

This is good honesty.

Thank you so much for the replies.

I just didn't know what to do when he asked.

Do you think that the prostitute thing would matter since I found out that he is also a registered sex offender for sexual assault of a minor?

Who is a registered SO? The prostitute or your WH/the kids' dad???

The kids dad.

But now that I think about it, I never seen that he was looking at child pornography.

I don't want to be in trouble for alienating the kids bc I do want what's best for them.

But I also don't wan someone to say that I am a neglectful parent for letting them go with their dad now knowing the SO thing combined with the prostitutes and combined with his dishonesty. (How does someone trust him when he says he would never do anything to the girls, but also says he's never had prositutes)

But it's hard lookin at this when there's so much emotion and not being bias.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing or what the right thing to do is.

I haven't actually been divorced before.

Maybe I could talk to health and human services to get info on what I should be doing right now. What the right thing to do is.

Given that he is a registered sex offender, I would push for supervised visits and court ordered counseling for your STBX.

I agree with the previous posters, though. You're setting yourself up for a fall in how you're currently going about things (prior to explaining about the sex offender status).

I'm curious why you didn't mention that in your first post. The fact that your STBX is a sex offender would be Reason Number One that I wouldn't want him alone with my kids without supervision.

I didn't realize he's a registered SO for offenses against a minor. In that case I'd go for sole legal & physical custody, with supervised visitation for him. I mean it.

Idk why I didn't mention the SO part.

I'm so confused on the right thing to do.

I don't want to put my kids through this, but it wasn't my fault that he did this.

I think that maybe I should just let him back so the kids will be better off without visitation and I can monitor what goes on.

Maybe I can ignore the prostitutes. Maybe we should have an open marriage. So that he can do those things he likes.

Maybe I can ignore him being a sex offender. I didn't know he had a sex assault of a minor. I want to request the court records, but maybe it matters, maybe it doesn't.

But what if I don't check and get in trouble for knowing but not checking.

I'm sorry, WHAT????? How could you consider letting a registered SO who has offended against minors back into your home? What?

Because if he's here, I can watch and make sure nothing happens.

If I have to give him joint custody, I can't supervise the girls.

Gently, your thinking isn't logical or reasonable.

You cannot watch anyone 24hours a day. If that were true, you would have noticed STBX cheating.

If you can't stop him from cheating, something he obviously wanted to do, how do you expect to stop him from harming your kids if he were of a mind to do so?

I suggest (as Nature_Girl posted) that you push for sole legal/physical custody and as we both stated SUPERVISED visitation.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 8:54 PM, July 9th (Tuesday)]

Athena, I stayed with my STBX for YEARS longer than I should have because I thought the same thing. If he's here, then I can supervise, I can control, I can prevent.

I failed at that anyway. I found out after I kicked him out that he'd been lying on top of one of my girls at night in her bed when he was in there hearing her bedtime prayers. I found out after I kicked him out that he'd been inviting this same daughter into his bed on Sat or Sun mornings (we slept separately) to cuddle. While he was naked.

You cannot be a 24/7 watchdog. That's codependent, dysfunctional, and unhealthy. It's knowingly exposing your children to an unconscionable risk.

You go for sole legal & physical custody with supervised visitation. That's what you do.

Athena, I think you need a lawyer, like yesterday.

You need temporary orders for support and also to establish proper visitation guidelines.

You should be able to get an emergency hearing - especially with the sex offense in the mix. You can't risk your children's safety.

Because if he's here, I can watch and make sure nothing happens.

If I have to give him joint custody, I can't supervise the girls

That's why he wouldn't get unsupervised visitation. It would all have to be SUPERVISED.

I agree that you might not be thinking very logically or reasonably. I think you might be considered a neglectful parent to willingly leave your children with a sex offender unsupervised, especially if that offense was against a minor.

Would you leave them with babysitter that had that offense? I don't know that him being the father makes much of a difference. I'm shocked he somehow kept this past history a secret from you..

Now that you know this information, you need to be doing things all sorts of differently.. Get yourself away from him. Knowing what he was capable of, I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him.

While I do have a friend who "supervises" his child while the mother visits since she isn't allowed to be alone with the daughter, I don't think I would volunteer to be the "supervisor" if I were you. I would have someone from child protective services do it..

Do NOT take any blame for his mistakes. If he has less contact with the children now, it's his own fault. You just be the best, most protective mother you can be..

I think you need to see an attorney and a good therapist. You are obviously not in a position to be making good decisions right now.

The fact that he is a convicted sex offender with offense(s) against MINORS is a real issue. How can you trust him around your children? I mean, you have to sleep, shower and use the facilities--you CANNOT monitor him 24/7. This is exactly why you must work with a good attorney to get sole legal and physical custody with supervised visitation for him.

I would get the court records on his case. Is he on parole? Does he have a parole officer? How long ago was this and what was the disposition? I would think that while his prostitute habit isn't relevant to a divorce, it would be relevant if he were on parole.

You need good experienced people to guide you in this situation. Making yourself a martyr is not a viable option here.

Cat