I am disabled (joint problems and fibromyalgia. Double ankle sugeries, its a whole other post...) I was not married, and had just gotten my associates degree when I got pregnant. I have never moved out. I live with my parents. I cannot afford to move out (X actually used that to try to get me back last time, that without him I could never move out. Asshole.)
That being said, my mother is insane. Or something. Always has been. Growing up, she would take offense at the littlest things. She would use the silent treatment. Get impatient with me and ask "are you just stupid?" She was verbally abusive. She didn't cuss, but she was negative. I wasnt allowed to be mad. That was reserved for her. My father, who is otherwise amazing, never spoke up. Never defended me or my sister. And if we fought back to my mother, he spoke up for her, we were not to speak to our mother that way. If she was in a bad mood I would pretend to be sick or cry. I had to be weak, then maybe she would be nice.
Which isnt to say she was always horrible. She was a supportive, involved, super mom type. We were well cared for, always looked nice. From the outside she seemed great. And she was normal like half the time.
I always feel like she acted like an alcoholic but without the alcohol. She would just be crazy and mean.
I blame her for my hypervigilance. I am the most jumpy person I know. I think its from years of being afraid of her.
Fast forward to today. I am an adult, so things are different. I am diplomatic. I try to manage her. She is often fine. As long as I am doing things she agrees with. I dont know why she is easy going and nice and then cranky and negative and bitchy. She can be in a bad mood for no reason, and not even admit shes cranky.
Heres a list of behaviors-
She is super sensitive. Others are always rude or thoughtless. I have to apologize 20 times a day for stupid shit.
She is paranoid. If I didn't answer her call, it was on purpose, not because I didn't hear my phone.
She is never wrong. Or if she must be, she is melodramatic about it.
She must influence or control you. God forbid you make a decision without asking her opinion. Oh, and agreeing with her.
She is a backseat parenter. She makes constant "suggestions" for how I could parent better. Its like a daily running commentary.
She has trouble following conversations. Accuses everyone of talking in circles.
Has memory issues "That isn't what you told me!" (Yes, it is...)
Starts arguments. If you respond, says you are starting an argument.
Makes everything about her. IE- something bad happens to grandma, mom says she knew that would happen but didn't speak up because no one likes her wahhhh
Is pushy as hell. She offers something. You say no thank you. She says no, really. You say no thank you. She continues like maybe you just don't understand, let her explain. You say no, thats okay. She pushes. You say "I said no!" She gets huffy and offended.
Guilt trips my two year old when he ignores her or won't talk to her. Pooooor grandma.
Is never happy about things. Complains constantly.
Passive aggressive "what? I didn't say it like that."
No one acknowledges any of this to her. Among ourselves we know she is nuts and projects that onto whoever. We tell each other later "you're not crazy, you were calm and reasonable, it was her." I wonder how I might be different if my father had given me that validation as a child. Whatever, he gives it now.
I am tired of sweeping this shit under the rug! I want to be up front, this is NOT me, its YOU. Trying to placate her and deal with it is going to kill me.
I've been VERY codependent with her, I own that. I am trying for some space and detachment. IC is helping. But I'm losing it anyway.
Thanks for listening.
