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My 180 went right out the window last night. I had been doing well for the past few days. I texted him to see if he was keeping his VA counseling appointments. I have this unrealistic hope that IF he tells his counselor what he has been doing the past two months, she will talk some sense into him.

Wishful thinking.

I have to get back on the horse.

Abbondad, I hear you! I have noticed that I can start the day off in a good mood and feeling great and there will be 4 or 5 times where I cycle between utter despair, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, feeling strong again, and then back to tears. Then there are days that start off crappy and I find then I get distracted and I'm fine. I think the key is to STAY BUSY. I remember right after DDAY I would read about how you should only have a few things planned to do and of course...take a shower. Now it seems like I need to have most of my day packed or busy with work and the thoughts don't consume me.

It's all in our heads. Nothing has changed, nothing is happening, no new light bulb has gone off in our WS' head...but we still experience the cycle of emotions as if something has just happened. It's all of the triggers...and for me...everything is a trigger right now.

Hang in there and plan for your Saturday and Sunday. What will you be doing? Who will you be with?

Anyone have any good mantras or sayings that help you while you are stuck in the bad feelings? I feel like it's always the bad feelings (and sometimes some good ones too) that make me want to reach out and communicate. I have one mantra from CoDependent No More: IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER, IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nothing I say or do can change this situation or how my WS feels about me.

hangingontohope7: Don't beat yourself up. Get back on the 180 horse. Just pretend that he already went to see the counselor and it didn't change a thing. More importantly, what do YOU need to heal? IDK your story, but when I focus on my WS and the things he needs to change I realize that I'm not focusing on me.

Keep your chins up kiddies and remember, there is no magic bullet out there. We will all be stronger and better after all is said and done. Remember, you didn't ask for any of this stuff to fall on your lap or into your life, but it's the way you react to this and pick yourself up that shows how amazing you are. You did not crumble even though it feels like sometimes.

Our lives go on and on and on and on whether our WS wants to be with us or not. We are amazing and they are the ones who will be left out in the cold in the end.

STAY STRONG MY GOOD PEOPLE.

Here is another good 180 Mantra:

If someone is strong enough to bring you down, show them you are strong enough to get back up.

But please, don't tell them. Show them by working the 180 correctly.

Let's hope I can take my own advice. :)

I texted him to see if he was keeping his VA counseling appointments. I have this unrealistic hope that IF he tells his counselor what he has been doing the past two months, she will talk some sense into him.

That's funny. (Well, not funny funny.) My STBXWW has this thing about her sporadic therapy--subtext, "Hey, I am going to start therapy again; there's a crumb of hope for you, cuz see? I'm gonna fix my problems. Now all you need to do meanwhile is sit tight while I continue use to cake eat."

So today she texted me that she is canceling her therapy appt.

Me: "OK."

A good 180 day so far.

(I know, it would've been better if I hadn't even responded, but she needed to know something about DS's ear infection.)

Doing quite well except we went to the financial guy tonight and I stopped at my sister in laws on the way home. He asked me where I had been and I automatically told him. Palm to the forehead!!!

Anyone have any good mantras or sayings that help you while you are stuck in the bad feelings?

I have a few I've used at different stages on this roller coaster:

"He is no longer my husband, he is no longer my love, he is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks."

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

"NC = No New Hurts."

"Breaking NC means ego kibbles for him. Let the fucker starve."

"There are no fish in this pond. This pond has no water. Fuck Off."

I used to have to fight the urge to contact him to beg him to try to fix himself and our M. That only lasted a month or two then I had to fight the urge to contact him to unleash hell.

I always felt worse after breaking NC. Sharing my emotion with him was like sharing my energy with him. He deserves no more of my energy.

NC has been a lot easier since I worked out that it delayed my healing and did nothing but give him ego kibbles.

NewMom: the only way I think I made it was because I had good friends and family who backed me up. If 180 becomes a team effort with your support system, I think it helps keep you accountable. I had 2-3 friends who told me they didn't care what time of the day... If I even think about calling him, to call them. And I did!

Strongbutbroken,

I like this one:

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."

Of course "all you have to do" is easier said than done. ;-) What you're talking about is the eternal battle between the head and the heart. I KNOW the truth. But those damned feelings are deep and, in this case, insidious and poisonous to my wellbeing.

What I am getting a bit better at, though, is knowing when I am suffering as a result of feelings. This is when I say to myself (aloud when I am alone), "These are just feelings. And these feelings are lies. They are playing tricks on your mind, making you hope for what cannot be, what was not, and what will not occur."

"Pity me that the heart is slow to learn/What the swift mind beholds at every turn."

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

sorry i am late on posting this. It's not really related to 180 as much as when some of you were asking for some good mantras. I don't have one per say but this poem helps me.

"After A While"

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

This weekend was good. I definitely had my moments of sadness and feelings of wanting to DO SOMETHING to gain control over the situation. When you let go of the outcome you can start to doubt yourself and think...did I make this bad situation worse by not controlling my emotions after the fallout of the A? Should I have curbed my anger? Made my marriage a safer place to be than I already did? Should I do this or say that and maybe we can all be a family (things I've already said and done).

I find that these feelings seem so intense when they happen and if I just endure them then I'm fine by the time I tuck myself in at night. In addition to IT DOESN'T MATTER...I've also been telling myself DO NOTHING!

I did slightly slip up yesterday when WS texted to ask about the baby. The baby was wearing a Daddy's little rock start onsie and I replied with a pic. He responded that the baby looked awesome and he couldn't wait to see him. I said, "he is going to flip when he sees you, you are missed." That was me feeling like a softy...feeling like here we are at almost 5 months old and the three of aren't all together.

This week I'm going to see my IC and I'm starting up my AD again after being off of them for over a month. I'm also having lots of fun with my little cherub.

How was your weekend and your 180?

Popping in to offer encouragement to all of you, and a potential mantra.

I wielded humor as a weapon during my D process, and when I would want to chew out wasband or ask him about something the kids mentioned or whatever the challenge to NC might have been, I would mentally replay the scene in "Meatballs" when Bill Murray was giving his campers a pep-talk while they were being crushed by the team from Camp Mohawk -

"It just doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter.

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!"

Whatever he had to say? It just didn't matter. Whatever question was burning inside my brain? It just didn't matter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mf3Bypyk8

I had a moment like that last Sunday, when I was trying to talk to the shitface about custody. He kept digressing into, what I walked in on, that night. I refused to discuss it, I have closure, not sure why he doesn't.

I had actually asked him to help me move, and then realized, yeah...that was a bad idea. I would ask a friend to help me move, he is not my friend, and I have no desire to make him my friend, or be his friend. He is a shitty shitty person.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I miss....well...hmmm....my old life, the comfort of routine, the safeness of thinking life was good, the companionship of a friend.

Then I remind myself it was all a lie, and I don't want to live like that.

Like most of you, I do well with the 180 most days, but we are all human, and we make mistakes, we hurt, we cry, we are saddened, and we want answers to know why. Letting go is one of the biggest steps to the 180, at least for me.

First family court day this week, so we will see how my 180 goes lol

great thread and good job everyone

I have started and failed the 180 at least 20 times this year but I just got back on the wagon on Saturday at 2:30pm

I have not had even 7 days where I didn't have to see WH since DD because of work and because of false R but now I can carve out two months and I am going to do it!

I am not going to do anything but heal me and love my family and make plans for my new life

I love plans and have avoided making then for years cause WH would be in and out and change is mind and I would be hurt

thanks for all the help this year

I am going to keep posting thanks

Hi all,

Thanks for everyone who is posting in this thread. When I first read the 180, it made me cry because it seemed so geared towards presenting an improved self that the WS would want to return to. Since my then-STBXWH had zero remorse and couldn't wait to be done with me, it just felt hurtful and useless, like it didn't apply to me at all.

Since divorcing and getting stronger, I've started to see how the 180 is something you do for yourself, not for your WS. I'm still working on this and some days are definitely better than others. Seeing the posts here by members who are going through D, and are still benefiting from the 180, is very encouraging.

Thanks!

Mine went great for four days--a record for me, I think. I was a basket case as I missed the kids so much, though.

Then it all went to hell this morning when the WW hoovered me in person. Now she is pressing her advantage by texting "nurturing" sentiments.

I am not responding. Back on the horse.

Something that helped me when I was getting wistful emails/texts from the sad clown was having all of his texts vetted by a close friend who I forwarded everything to without reading it and they only sent me the parts that needed responding to.

That way I didn't have to resist the urge to respond nor did I have to put myself through even reading the crap he was spewing.

I only needed to do it for a month or so and the improvement was astonishing. These days I skim his texts/emails and only focus on the parts that need responding to. I throw the rest away.

He can still yank my chain sometimes but as NIK (I think) once so eloquently put it:

"They know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!"

The 180 is for you. Time, space and distance will help you detach. It takes a while to clear the BS fog.

NC = detachment = healing = indifference.

He can still yank my chain sometimes but as NIK (I think) once so eloquently put it:

"They know which buttons to press because they installed the fuckers!"

Guilty as charged. And it is SO TRUE!

Just an obvious observation about the 180, its power and necessity:

My four-day NC "marathon" was very helpful in that it allowed me to look back on our relationship without rose colored glasses. This is crucial in maintaining my painful trudge forward through divorce.

However, my face-to-face meeting with my WW yesterday blew me instantly back to square one (her hoovering made it even worse).

Now today, sure enough, I find myself missing her, and "plugging her into" the home, activities, remembering all the good times--and conveniently ignoring the horrors she has visited upon our family.

At least I now see the patterns of my emotions, but it's still hard.

Back to the 180.

Hi!

My kids and I are making caramel apples tonight--just the sort of activity my STBXWW loved.

I am fighting the urge to shout at her (via text), "What the HELL could be more important than making caramel apples with your family--the most precious sort of memory to feast on when you are old!!??"

But I won't, of course.

Unfathomable what our spouses have done.

My 180 is going well. Went to Yoga after work and that always makes me feel better. Sometimes I cry at the end when you lady down, but this time I tried to turn my sad feelings into good feelings by telling myself I'll be ok no matter what.

WS brought the baby home last night and we were both very kind to each other. I was "happy" and just smiled at him and the baby. He talked to me about his job and his weekend and he had big fat tears welled up in his eyes when he talked about not seeing the baby for the whole weekend and having to work late last night and getting very limited time with DS. I said, don't worry, you two will spend all day Saturday together.

He then asked if it would be alright if he took the baby to a Zombie Walk Marathon thing this weekend...(ummmm....no!!!) and I said, sure (translation= NO!). For a minute I thought he was going to ask me to come along too but that never happened. I just continued to smile and thanked him for watching the dogs this weekend while we were out of town.

It was that little moment where I realized I wasn't invited that I could feel my heart kind of drop...like when you are on one of those amusement park rides where the elevator drops. It reminded me of how effed up this situation is.

Then he left and I went to bed to watch some TV. Maybe I'm lying to myself, but I think this is really hard on him too. When I'm 180ing, and I'm not the roller coaster raging angry b*&ch that according to him drove him away, I think it suck that he has to walk out the door and leave us there. He always kisses the baby goodbye and pets the dogs and this time he was about to come at me like he was going to hug/kiss/pat me on the back...IDK..but he didn't. Sometimes I think he wishes he could be with us. I know he does...he's just too messed up to figure out how to do it.

Anyway, the point of the 180 is for me to feel good about me no matter what he is doing, thinking, or feeling. I know I'm bound to slip up and I can feel his eyes on me when we are in the same room...I see him trying to catch my eye and I just look at the baby and smile.

When we get along like this I just see danger ahead....this is the cycle...calm, exchanging niceties, then we hang out, then we sleep together, then I get mad, then I explode, then he pulls away. I just have to work the 180 so I don't get caught up in cycle again.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 4:17 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]