SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like I'm completely coming apart right now. I can't believe I have given advice to anyone on this site. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. I don't know what I'm doing. If I were capable of giving him what he needs to heal, wouldn't I have done that by now? I keep thinking I'm doing it, and then I find out I'm not. Either that or I'm just a sociopath who can watch someone I supposedly care about bleed out. Signs of life my ass.

((EvolvingSoul))

I'm sorry to hear its not been good. I'm too new here and feel like that all the time. Never enough. I keep reading its about time. Not sure how long its been for you two, maybe tomorrow will be better. If your not doing it right , I take it your BH is telling you this, is he telling you what you can do instead? I'm sure you've done that allready, just wondering

I used to think it was about time and effort. Now I don't know what to think. We had a terrible spiral out of control argument earlier, now he's left for work and I'm just left with all this horrible uncertainty about whether or not healing is even possible let alone probable. We can't even agree on what's real.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am not sure about the nature of argument .. whether it was A related. maybe I am completely out of line here. But arent arguments part of life? why are you spiralling?

Must be something in the air. I've been feeling pretty squirrely the past 24 hours too. So what's up ES?

I realize you titled this as a "vent", however, I'm going to break this sucker down a little bit.

I can't believe I have given advice to anyone on this site.

Last I checked, supah awesome, 100% healthy, and uber-in-control were not pre-requisites to giving advice around here. It's sharing personal experiences, whether you're healed, still healing, or falling apart at the seams.

If I were capable of giving him what he needs to heal, wouldn't I have done that by now? I keep thinking I'm doing it, and then I find out I'm not.

What do you mean by this? Has he told you what he needs and you haven't done it? Have you assumed what he needs and done your own thing? Have his needs changed and he hasn't expressed that to you, so you're grasping?

We had a terrible spiral out of control argument earlier

Thus the crumbling feeling. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the end of the world ES. Run around the yard, get the crazies out, then cool your jets and put your head back on straight.

We're here when you're ready to talk.

ES, what is going on? What happened?

We had some horrible fights year 2. Didn't matter what I said or did. He needed to be angry.

If you want to talk about it here, or you can PM me.

Alright I have more or less recovered my equilibrium. Holy cow. What a meltdown. Much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Part of my trigger was the feeling of being exposed. I never want to look like the bad guy. Only recently in my personal work have I begun to acknowledge the part of my personality I call Taker. A recent poster talked about the concept of the cold, calculating part of us that can be a positive or a negative depending on how it's used. I think that's who Taker is and I have spent a lifetime trying to keep her in the shadows, even from me.

Earlier in the day BS and I had an argument where he would not be satisfied until I exposed Taker. I had to admit to choosing something even though I know he does not like it because it meets my needs rather than his. So instead of stepping willingly into the light, Taker got dragged there and boy was she pissed!

From that anger flowed all kinds of drama and dire fortune telling. You saw some of it here in the original post on this thread. I took back things I said the next morning. While I do know that there are legitimate issues that BS and I have to work through, when I'm flooded with anger is not the time to try it. Everything just went further off the rails.

I want to take back the thing I said about not being qualified to offer advice here. That was the drama talking. Thanks to you all who reached out, shored me up and offered support. So very much appreciated.

I'm giving myself some support at the moment too, by taking the time to respond to this and some other posts (great practice for the whole "stop hiding" project) and also I'm watching Roman Holiday.

Pressing on with the whole evolution thing!