SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me:

I spoke to and emailed with Ms. _____ <DCF investigator>, and she recommended Ms. _____ and Mr. _____ as counselors for the boys. They are part of The Counseling and Family Wellness Center, and both are covered by our insurance. I believe Mr. _____ will be seeing <DS9> and Ms. _____ will be seeing <DS5>.

I spoke with Ms. ____ today, and her website can be found at: http://_____/

Her phone number is _____. The phone number for the practice is _____.

The address is:

______

We have our first appointment scheduled for Friday, July 19, at 9:00 a.m.

Thank you.

POS:

You sure are something else aren't you? Have you even stopped for one second to think about what you are putting the boys through? By the way you mean my insurance? I don't appriciate you getting DCF involved. Your stories and lies have gone way to far this time. I never could imagine that you would have stooped to that low of a level. So disappointing. The children are devestated by your actions

Giving him crickets, but what I want to write back to him:

Have YOU thought about what you are putting the boys through?? I don't "appreciate" (the correct spelling of that word dumbass) you doing things that CAUSED me to get DCF involved. STOP letting them curse! STOP letting them watch rated R movies! Don't dunk their heads in the toilet or slap their asses until they are red. I can't believe I even have to fucking say this to you. GROW THE HELL UP. BE A MAN AND A RESPONSIBLE FATHER. And stop saying the kids are "devastated" (the correct spelling again dumbass). YOU are devastated. STOP projecting your feelings onto the kids!! STOP saying they hate me. YOU hate me, and you are trying to force them to feel that way about me. If you think they are so devastated, why aren't you thinking about counseling for them?? You ripped this family apart for a MARRIED other woman, and you are sick twisted abusive fuck who needs to deal with his FOO issues. I don't pity you for your past anymore. GROW THE HELL UP AND GET SOME HELP. Your emotional abuse and insults do not work on me anymore. F YOU!!

I applaud you doing the right thing, both notifying him in the dispassionate way, and for taking your kids to counseling. It is not "putting them through" anything to give them someone to talk to who can give them coping skills.

FTG. What a dumbass..

And yes, crickets is exactly right.

BTW, I understand the Thank you as closing because, well... we were brought up to be polite and it seems like the right thing to do. But I reason that if I don't close with Fuck you like I WANT to, I can not say Thank you and get away with it.

Oh, and I also got to the point where I took "I" out of all communication as well. Same information without the part I did. Statements of fact. He has no right to me even in pronoun form.

DCF investigator recommends x and y as counselors. They are part of The CandFW center and covered by insurance. Mr. will see DS Ms will see Ds.

Just website. which I assume has the numbers and address??

Appt. Friday at 9.

It is not a significant difference but I feel better.

FYI- I already had the kids in counseling, and though I thought she was nice enough, I didn't really think she was qualified for our situation. The new counselors came highly recommended from the DCF investigator and specialize in high conflict divorces and both used to work at a home for abused children, so I'm hoping they will be much more helpful and understanding of the situation..

Oh, and to add to my pretend email: STOP forcing them to keep secrets from me!! You are fucking them up more than you realize, and I will NOT stop fighting for the kids' emotional and physical well being. Until you stop this deplorable behavior or drop off the planet (preferred), I will continue to fight. This IS a hill I will die on.

Thanks caregiver. That's good advice.. Didn't even realize I put "our" insurance on there till he pointed it out.. We ARE still married, so it is still OUR insurance, but whatever.. What a POS to even mention that.. But that's great advice, and I will focus on that as well in my communications with him..

And:

It is not "putting them through" anything to give them someone to talk to who can give them coping skills.

He has also said that I am "traumatizing" them, etc., because I have police escorts for all child exchanges now. I just couldn't take the emotional abuse and cursing me out right in front of the kids, so I call for an escort every time now. He really doesn't get it that police officers, DCF investigators, counselors, etc., are there to HELP and PROTECT the children. The kids aren't scared of them, but it's like he trying to force them to be..

Just wanted to say I give you my strength. I'm so sorry you are in the situation you are in. Big hugs to you and your littles. Keep doing the right thing.

You. Are. Amazing.

I thought your email was perfect but I do love caregiver9000's suggestions.

I feel like you are more empowered now by taking these steps. Your children will also feel more empowered. Good move ButterflyGirl!!

ButterflyGirl,

I follow your story because I think you are amazing and doing such a good job with such a sorry POS. I was not really "suggesting" that you change your communication as much as sharing a detachment tool I used. You inspire me to share my own struggles... I found that taking "me" out of the sentence empowered me. Who knows why it felt that way. I just noticed that it felt like he was less likely to come back with "why did you do that? or to counter with his own version of reality. I think I might have started this when someone said that every syllable was ego kibble and well, I want that FT to starve!!

Remember that no matter what "trauma" the kids are exposed to- your ability to navigate it with dignity and support from the system and to stand up to abuse and to defend the kids is what they will take away from it. Don't let him cast doubt or criticism on your stand! He has something to hide. You are setting the example for how we want kids to deal with problems as they encounter them going forward.

Ask for help. Involve others. Stand up for yourself without having to fight the same way the bully does. Great tools for little ones to take to heart.

The only response I would send is, "The DCF made a recommendation and legally I have to follow what they say so I am taking the kids to counseling, as it was ordered by the DCF caseworker."

I can tell you from experience dealing with DCF(we call it CPS in my state) you want to do exactly what they recommend because what they call recommending is really a requirement. My XH lost visitation because he and the OW did not do what DCF recommended.

I would go even further than Caregiver... his name is not capitalized.

I do not tell the kids your father, or dad, or daddy. He is (his given name) it is another tool used to detach the kids from him. My kids were older when I was told to do this... as NW was doing her best to alienate him from the kids and blaming the kids. Which he buys, hook,line, and sinker.

But it helps my kids realize they only share his DNA, who he is ...is not who they are.

Hugs,

K

BG, when I first read this I read is as though HE wrote the first part and you the second....

I was about to post that I thought his email was completely reasonable and putting your kids first so you should be delighted - further that you were being totally off-the-wall unreasonable in your response.

I'll put my 2x4 away now shall I? I mean, unless POS is in here somewhere?

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:22 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words and support. I was very nervous to call DCF (Department of Children and Families, aka CPS), but after talking to my friend who does home visits, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. Even though the case is closed at this time since she saw more "inappropriateness" than "abuse," I really wish I had called sooner and felt strong enough to do it on my own without needing the push from my friend. I will do anything and everything I can to protect my kids from his sick "games," and I hope I can trust myself to keep doing the right thing..

I really like your suggestions caregiver, and any detachment tools you have are more than welcome! I gave him ego kibbles to eat for FAR too long, so any ideas to make him starve now are appreciated..

Peridot, the counselors were recommended to me because I asked for a recommendation. She would not have given me the names if I didn't ask.. When the kids came home saying that they refuse to talk about ANYTHING that happens at dad's house since I'm trying to take them away from him, I got more annoying with my calls trying to find out what was happening as I hadn't heard back anything yet. The lady was very nice and understanding and told me that she couldn't legally do anything as she didn't have enough for abuse, but that I should go for more custody. I was already calling my insurance and looking around for a counselor who specialized in the crap we have been going through (and they weren't able to help me very much), so I asked the DCF investigator if she knew of anyone. I told her who we use for insurance, and she said she would call around for me and ended up sending me an email with 4 names to choose from. I emailed her back thanking her and plan on thanking her again in about a month or two if things go well with the new counselor. I figure it can't hurt to make make a good impression on her in case I need her again in the future..

StrongButBroken, your post really made me smile. It's like an impartial third party validated me that I'm putting the kids first and he's being completely unreasonable.. I talk quite a bit about this website to a friend, and he said something like, "Don't you think everyone is just telling you what you want to hear?" And I can prove it to him that the answer is NO!