I understand that there's a lingo here, but I'm terrible at vernacular, so please forgive the use of more common words in my story.
I discovered about a week ago my wife of 10 years had been having an affair. In March of this year she had laid down the law about how I had been behaving in previous months for nearly half a year, and I have to take ownership of that part of my marriage. I was struggling financially, as a business I had was failing. I was raised with the frankly ridiculous value system where the man is measured for his ability to provide for his family. I was failing and as a result I fell into a terrible depression that culminated in suicidal ideation late last year. I did not know how to ask her for help.
When my wife snapped me out of my vortex of failure and self-flagellation, I returned to being the old me. Relaxed, unstressed, not much could faze me. I shared our finances with her and we were partners again. During this re-awakening I thought we were back on track as a couple with our three beautiful kids.
So I once again was me and was the attentive spouse, doing those things that helped make her whole. I supported her in all she did. I wanted her to be happy. She took on more and more work until I thought she had really overdone it, but she seemed to thrive on it, so I helped her with it. Also, a long-time friend of hers (whom she had a fling with 15+ years ago that never went anywhere … she wanted to have the student-professor fantasy fulfilled, and he is nearly 30 years her senior) started hanging with her for a once per week or once every two weeks night at the bar just to drink and talk shop. She was tactile with me and said all the right things.
But…my intuition told me something was wrong. I crushed it though, thinking "She would never do that to me." Cheat, that is. We barely had sex in the last few months, and as a couple it was how we had always connected. Fantastic sex followed by intimate moments after. We were always so honest and open during those times. She blamed a low libido, with little explanation. I asked for 10 minutes a night of just talk between she and I, after she put her laptop away, but she would just close her laptop, roll over and go to sleep. And when she woke up, she was on her smartphone, texting away.
This went on for months. Last week I was at her workplace. We were the last ones there. She asked me to do some calculations on her smartphone for a worksheet and walked off to do some printing. I did the calculations and finished the form. I then searched for a dirty joke I sent her on my phone in text, but couldn't find it. I figured I had deleted it, so I searched for it on her phone…under the term "orgasm."
It took me about three or four seconds to realize what I was looking at. My heart hammered out of my chest and I felt the sting of tears.
I asked her to step outside of the building as our three kids were using the office computers nearby. I said, "So, I finished the calculations, then I looked for a joke I sent you on my phone but couldn't find it, so I looked for it on your phone, and…for how long have you been messing around with Stephen?"
Her eyes searched mine. She was in shock. She didn't answer for nearly five seconds so I just walked away. She chased me inside in tears, begging forgiveness. Some digging on my part and heartfelt confessions on her part revealed that yes, she had cheated, although it was limited to feeling each other through their clothing, some french kissing, and some explicit sexting. If she had gone over THAT OTHER LINE I would have served her divorce papers several days ago.
Yes, it was her old fling. What made is really kind of gross is that he's now over 60, and not in a good way, has a beer gut, is losing his hair and has old skin. Pardon the judgment, but she is in her early 30s and remains physically beautiful, aside from her betrayal. It's jarring to think she kissed him.
She isn't making excuses -- she has taken full ownership of her cheating. Her explanation is that when I admitted why I was so depressed and dysfunctional last year, and that I was looking for life insurance policies during my suicidal period so that I could provide for my family one last time, she became terrified of losing me, and she instantly thought about protecting our kids. She then couldn't talk to me about this, stayed distant despite my re-awakening, and kept looking for escape through more and more work and messing around with someone she has no future with. An escape that required she kept finding more and more distractions to continue working.
Right now she's walking on eggshells around me. She's done the no-contact thing, and apologizes a dozen times a day. She cries, and begs, and asks me if there is anything she can do that I need. Me, I'm angry as hell right now. I'm a fit, attractive 40-something professionally employed man who in my immodest opinion is a hell of a package as a partner. And she had to go and piss on our marriage like that. I would have preferred she divorce me than do what she did. No idea if we'll reconcile. We'll see. I vacillate between burning anger and abject pain and tears. I wish I wasn't here, but I'm glad all of you have made this place so welcoming and accessible.
